iLlUsIoNaRy IlLuSiOn.....!!!!!!!!

Free Fall

2012-02-04T03:31:00.000-08:00

Caught in a whirlwind of erratic thoughts, I struggle to cease the melancholy tune playing at the back of my mind......Phew! A year just flew away leaving behind a trail of indelible voids in my life. It shuffled me up high in the air furnishing my frail arms with a pair of wings and on my merry flight, it just snipped off my pinions, striving to escape the free-fall I encapsulate my claustrophobic soul with an impermeable sheet of emotions that wrecks me from inside. I close my eyes to a long tunnel of darkness, I move on and on into it, waving to the pool of happy plasticine smiles, with my heart going green with envy, envious of their ability to keep their head at its place, for the driving force that kicks them to stay alive, for the warm blood of passion running through their veins. the eerie murkiness of the journey doesn't seem to fade, I tread on with my self imposed cape intact through the tunnel awaiting for the sudden rush of light...waiting for the hallowed angel to break the shell and light me up to a new horizon, fly me off to a land far away from the farthest ground and enable me wipe off my drenched eyes....As another year knocks into my door, I lay back and ask myself one question...what tomorrow holds for me? I don't know whether there will be colors on my white scape, if I would kiss the pinnacles in life, I am unsure if I was born to be special, all I know this year I would walk on the edge and ring the bell of luck.
*Amen*

Confessions of a cello-holic

2011-11-25T08:39:00.000-08:00

Dipped in the intensity of my liking-sharing-caring act, i tend to ignore the utterly annoying sign of putting the cellphones (read ur facebook/gmail/corp mail/ zooming around with 3G speed stuffs and Gawd knows what all) off for the next two hours and push yourself into a so called reclusive world without a cellphone...JEEZ! In no time, i landed an airhostess with a dazzling plasticine smile instructing me to put my soul off for the next 2hrs...FINE!! there yu go...out of my 3G world I tried to look around with a 2 dimensional view and randomly started surfing through a travel magazine, an article about a nature resort in an exotic island did catch my attention for a few seconds, it claimed to traverse you out of the chaotic cacophonous metropolitan city into a quaint beautiful villa where you enjoy the luxuries in the lap of nature unplugged of electricity/ phone calls/needless to say internet at a price of a bomb....this made me sit back and wonder, how would life be without my mean machine-my cellphone?? Ironically, i do realize the level of my addiction, I also agree, I rather prefer to lie down play soccer on my phone than go sweat it out in real, and my hanging out with friends mean more on con calls/vid conferences, anyhow, I am aware it aint that good, but trust me just to go on a voyage of self discovery in some far off island I cant overlook the nostalgic moments i shared with my fav gadget, My normal days starts waking up to a tuneful Linkin park music alarm set on my phone, i check mails, i have replaced my daily chore up picking up the newspaper from my door and enjoying over a hot cuppa coffee over checkin over the news site on my cell with a cup on the other hand....then all through the day I pin for applications from a vast pool in the adroid, all my friends stay in my pocket and are just a ping away ;) I can spend days on a go setting my status updates/liking and commenting all around n yeah! I make calls/text too, I am now drawn to a pool of thoughts in sepia mode, of how I spent my teens texting sweet nothings to my girl friend(s) (thanks to the student pak where 100 msgs were free for a day) forwarding lame jokes, surfing thru errrr..umm...educational content and sharing with friends, clicking snaps endlessly to get a perfect pic for the networkin site profile, changing ringtones every other day, setting upo cool callertunes and what not....then came the 3G where the phone is not just a call machine..its a lifestyle, I store and travel with my world, the ocean of applications/knowledge/people are just a tap away
I love it, I live it! Its a part of me....i enjoy being Bz on 3G, rest everything comes secondary ;)
Monochromatic monotonous lives be damned
Amen
time to fling some enraged birds to drive the fat pigs away and keep myself occupied till I can tap back into my fb world
Ciao
~~Pradeep~~

With love, xyz

2011-07-06T09:33:00.000-07:00

I was walking barefooted on the freshly mowed grass caught in a drizzle, with the soft breeze blowing into my drenched hair ,singing lullaby into my tired ears, the million twinkling stars above my head tripping me into a delusionary mish-mash of thoughts…..walking beside me was another soul holding my hands gently and helping my unsteady legs to a smooth gait, we sit on the wet grass, breathing in the aroma of fresh soil after a lash of rains, talking and talking for hours about nothing in particular, In those few moments words are exchanged, some laughs shared…some accusations…and some words of flattery…On the whole you are having a nice time and living each of the passing moments, but the ironical part comes into live when you just snap out of the reverie, all you could do is relish those bygone moments as thoughts. A moment , you were tasting the kiss of paradise, whoosh the next moment you are dragged out of your illusion with a kick of reality, craving for the time to reverse. Did I go wrong in treasuring the moment or was I destined for short trips of happiness…..? Why are we, humans such suckers for short lived glories…? why do I keep searching for the treasure hunt at the wrong place, I wonder why don’t I take a big U turn in my life and just welcome the current time with hugs and smiles rather than living-re living the bygone....why am I groping in the darkness of my solitude at this point of time looking for a familiar touch when my mind and soul have reconciled with themselves and are yelling at my bleeding heart to wait for the sunshine patiently…..I have zillions of questions floating in my mind, the answers to which I don’t comprehend….I haven’t lost hope…I do believe the pariah is right within me, I need to bring it to life but….why are my eyes welling up??...what am I looking for? My vision is too blurry to have a clear scape of what’s waiting for me…..the pain is too excruciating to get onto my feet and walk backwards and clear the grit of my past….why cant I just let go?...why am I crying? Why can’t I just go out of my confinement and dance in the rains anticipating for a change in season….why cant I love myself again???....why cant I sway a magic wand to make myself beautiful all over again??.....why cant I reverse time….
Come back!...come back to me….let me relive those moments again,,,
<3

My apostles

2011-03-08T06:53:00.000-08:00

To my beautiful gurlie pal, who has stayed up on me all night listening to the gibberish I had to rant cribbing about my college, boy friend and all the global gyan i had to share, who has spent almost 18 yrs with me laughing , sharing punishments at school & living a beautiful eccentric lives of our own…. she who brings out the child in me, nurtures it by giving it a healthy dose of fun & laughter….
To my sugary sibling who has come a long way from a petulant little kid to becoming my source of strength for lifetime, who would just not let me grow up, & has now grown an uncanny habit of holding on to silly collectibles that reminds her of me, my sister- who kisses me goodnight & cuddles me to sleep while I would be in welling up my eyes, missing my mum
To my new Mum (in-law), an epitome of syrupy sweetness who has done more than enough to break the stereotype that our mind sketches of the word "saas", a woman who just wont budge from showering her love & affection in the form of dollops of butter added generously to the sumptuous parathas she makes every time i pay her a visit, who accepted a 22yr old rebellious brat as her daughter-in-law with a bear hug & a wide smile…
Lastly to my mum--for bringing me to life, whose contribution in building the figments of my life is in such tremendous quantity that no matter what I pen in favor of her , would be an understatement to her selfless existence in my life..someone who has shed tears in tons fretting over my future, who has done everything & anything it takes to make the smallest of the small dreams come into life for me, who can sketch out the current state of my mind in a jiffy, who would still treat me like a 5yr old & buy me soft toys on my birthday, who will innocently listen to all the nonsense I have got to yap, who would accompany me on my endless window-shopping sprees, ....who knows me by my pulse like no one else does....the woman in my life who can fight with the entire world to bring a flicker of smile on my lips, a woman who has brought me up like a princess, spoilt me silly, & has done zillions of sacrifices to keep the tiara on the princess’s head intact
I raise a toast, & bow my head to the wonderful ladies, who make my sepia life worth living with zest by adding a palate of vibrant pink into it….I am proud of being a woman myself for being worthy enough to spread the word of love & affection as these woman have in my life & many others…......I dedicate the special day, week, year & life acknowledging my beautiful life as a woman.....Celebrating the spirit of womanhood, I wish one and all a very happy women’s day, Hope we all continue adding magic to this dull world by our beauty, compassion & love
:)

all about wooo "MAN"

2011-01-15T22:49:00.000-08:00

Phew!...finally I have a moment to myself, to clutch my pink pen & try cast a spell on myself that would sway me to an unconquered territory inside my muddled up thoughts, Finally I revert to my first & "only" love after a huge gap. Sigh! such a relief, I wanted to pen a unique piece to exhibit my grand comeback, but Alas!..all I could think of as of now is to script another male bashing blog entree :P Now that sounded straight out of a biatch's mouth, umm I guess, rather than pretending to be a FCP all over again, let me try something different today, let me sing in the praises of men, Grrrr, over with my usual pleasantries, let me straight hit the chord, MEN!!..men!!..ME-n MEN!!!!!!!!!!......you love them, you love bash them up, you love to flutter your eyelashes to pierce their hearts with your manicured finger nails, you love to love them, you love to hate them, Jesus! some special out of the bugger lot you cant imagine your life without, so here it goes, dedicated to the special ones(read one) that has been instrumental in moulding my life in a certain interesting way with a pink perspective...
1 my boss f*&@s my life, I had a verbal abuse session with my best friend, my boy friend's ex(es) refuse to f@#$ off, the traffic gulps a piece of my steaming brain, bloody PMS, someone hints at my burgeoning hips when I am just about to gulp a kilo of my favourite ice-cream....grrrrrrrrrhhh!!!!!!!!..........*enters the hero* *hugs* *pecks on cheeks*....addresses me as "his" "small" "baby".....**anger melts** **blush** blush** sigh! Blush*
2) you may over hear me saying, I am independent, can take care of myself, smart, Cosmo girl, and blah! blah! and more Blah! But at the core of my heart, I always want someone to take charge of things & lead me, & Men are biologically programmed by their inflated Male egos to guide their ladies when I can just sit back, relax as a pillion in my life & trust the special 'him' to walk me through, even though his roaring self esteem may not allow him to ask for directions when he is lost, but still its his headache to stay on-track B-)
3) the view ahead is myopic, on the top of it you are colour blind, what a disastrous combo, unless, YEAH!! unless you have your sugar to wrap you in his strong arms, nudge you in the right direction, & let the optimistic ray of warm sunlight fall on you.PEFECT view!!
4) I like butter scotch, he likes the same without butter, I cant stand strawberry, he cant stand without munching on few fresh ones, I dream in candy shades, he sees through crystal clear lenses, my pink tinted fantasies rule my throbbing heart, the gray scaled world rules his mind. together we procreate our unconventional world of differences, that serves the regular potion of nourishment to both mind & heart..
5) Had a long tiring day (plus the events mentioned in pointer 2), to rejuvenate my senses, all I have to do is...to reach out for his smiling, dimpled face followed by LOLing at the silliest of silly PJs cracked by him ,that you can find all over the santa-banta kinda sites. which is any day better than a stick pole sitting at home giving you global gyaan about things you have attained a PHD on (the last line makes no sense, but still felt like adding it :P)
6) contrast to the general notion that girls go for henpecked hubbies is totally a myth, how would you feel when you are shouting at the top of your voice, calling him names etc, & he listens to you intently without moving an inch,,boring!! isnt it....I personally prefer some one who can fight back, react to my witty sarcasms by wittier sarcastic comments, someone who is a wooo...MAN not a WOOman :D
7) I am a responsible individual, matured, responsible..woteva!!
.AHEM!! Ahem!!....* the kid inside me pops out* *its welcomed warmly with a big open heart, mushy kisses, & is elated, sometimes feels on the 7th heaven as though he received his favourite candy without even asking for it :)

Well!well...well..enough of carrying a halo over my head, lemme just satiate my zingy tongue by amending the post by adding yet another cliché—you love them...you hate them...n even though sometime you may wish to, but they just wont let you ignore...

Have a great weekend girlies with that special someone of yours, don’t forget to screen your devilish horns with a sparkling halo over your head ;)

Mind trip

2010-09-21T10:38:00.000-07:00

Not even in my wildest dream had I ever thought I would be seeking solace in the tiny space of my blog from the maddening crowd of thoughts frightening the daylights out of me.....Never thought I would reach out for my laptop and frantically start sketching out my mind when my heart bleeds to talk...talk the mind & soul out to some unbiased pair of ears...At the time, when the feeble walls of my misty dreams are collapsing, all I can do is pen out like no one's reading or maybe the entire world is ears to patiently decode my silent tears.....I gulp down the bile coming up my throat,stifling to evade this chaotic commotion of my mind....Bewildered...Provoked...dragged into a smoky haven..forced to wear a plastic smile, when all I want to do is shout..cry out loud...ITS MY LIFE!!...let me be ME!!...Good bad...Ugly..I love it..Its amazing to play myself...i beseech the almighty to let me live in my Illusion....Let me enjoy the dark smoke that will gulp me down someday...Let me be the writer...the writer of my own fate..
Amen!

All Pink'd up :)

2010-03-21T10:27:00.001-07:00

14.02.2010
Throughout my teens I mooned over the Shakespearean saga of eternal love, the tuneful melody of violins playing in a far fetched land & the rosy images of mills & boon…I sigh every time Raj (of DDLJ fame) stretches his arms out to accommodate his lady love of life Simran into his huge heart filled with the beautiful lullabies of love….However cliché it may sound, the flowery images of delicate love stories that uncannily ends with a ‘happily ever after’ message made me believe that there is some Oh-so charming knight in shinning armor out there waiting to unleash the princess in me & take me to a world away from the hustle-bustle.
(That was one of my silly dreams prior to my obsession to dark arts/vampires (now that will make another post), anyhow concentrating on the present topic of living in a fairy tale….)
As I grew up in a small town, I suddenly found myself trapped amongst a herd of so-called corny romantics…with the Titanic, Romeo N Juliet…DDLJ fever still warm in the hearts of my fellow classmates…who at a tender age of 13-14 claimed to have found their soul mates...14th Feb post Dil to pagal hai movie release, was awaited by these amateur lovers with hearts & stars on their eyes…for me the day meant cribbing with my single BFFs over life being unkind to me for not granting me the elusive beauty of life=love….the Raj or the Jack who would rescue me from sinking into the sea….sigh!...n I would stuff myself with loads of ice creams & goodies, even though life was as complete as it can get without the presence of Oh my Gosh! Louuuve ....Soon, I grew out of my teens & when the oh la la! Tequila margarita replaced the innocent candy floss & ice cream: P a part of me matured into an adult who always tried to believe in living for the present to the fullest becoming some ‘hard to get’ stiletto chic chick that my profession expects me to be ….while the other part refused to grow out of my roots that still crave for those cloudy dreams in pink to come true, In the course of time I saw, I met, I thought, I re-thought…..no matter how many times my brain tried to coax my heart perpetually repeating…’jeez! Grow up...give him a chance…he “seems” to be the one”…but somewhere deep down the lyrics of my love life never seem to match to that of the music of the violins that I dreamed of being played when I fall in love…..I sometimes wonder……. I aint any princess….I aint weaving some fairy tale…I am just another girl who grew up reading loads of ‘ happily ever after’ stories….whose Mom just cant stop herself from pampering & dressing her baby girl all in pink with flowers to let her believe she is a princess  I am just an average girl whose hair always look limp … who cant stop drooling at the aroma of dark choc pastries….who laughs incessantly remembering an old joke at odd hours & odd places :D….someone who cant stop crying like a baby when things are not right..I am just another girl, who also “sometimes” (emphasis on the word-sometimes) blushes when someone is sugary sweet to her…. Should that stop me from spreading my imaginary wings & flying in the land of utopia…..??
As on today-14th feb 2010—I guess, life has been trying me, & last few months has been a constant conflict between my heart & brains… but once again it taught me many great life lessons and taught me to appreciate what is truly important and what is just fluff and frills. First time in my life rather than killing time watching chick flicks on V-day, I walked into a card store filled with red hearts roses…n a red blush on my cheek….first time I stayed awake till 12midnight to receive a call…first time I felt like a girl :P…but there were no violins playing...he is no Raj, no Jack..no Romeo….he never had the chance to save me from dragons & monsters…he is no prince with a pristine white horse..I am no beautiful princess living in a castle either…but sometimes people unnoticeably walk into your life, you communicate, you exchange thoughts & you right then realize that they were meant to be there….even though the cupid doesn’t put much effort…the magical spell is still felt…they teach you a lesson, or help you figure out who you are, your priorities in life….& how you see yourself in future….I don’t believe in fluke…everything that happens has a reason…….so for me…things may have slightly change…& for sure has made me a better person  but I am still the princess of my own fairy tale….if not the pink candy world…I am happy with the smoky hustle bustle of today’s world….life may not be a happily ever after kinda story for all, but I believe living life with no excuses & loving your prince/princess charming without regrets & conditions straight out of fancy novels can make all your coming Valentine’s days loaded with hearts & roses  n as far as my love story is concerned…who knows next year same date, my PC may grab a chance to save me from sinking into the sea after the ship crashes to prove his love (PS-he better does, cause I dunno to swim )
Happy V day all of you 

so be it !

2010-02-03T10:12:00.000-08:00

1st jan 2010
Happy new year to me….another year just flew by, yet again leaving behind a trail of beautifully articulated moments in my life where I LOL’d, I sighed, I smiled,I shed those precious pearls…I gasped, and few that just made me wonder in awe…..After a huge gap of time, on the occasion of new year, I revert to my first love –“writing” to seek refuge from the frighteningly random thoughts that’s monopolizing my life lately & the occasional bouts of ups & downs … I wonder what do I write in this little space, There are so many words stifling in my mind that itches to come out,umpteen images in my heart waiting to be shown, so many colors urging to reach the canvas but do I have an honest listener?? Who do I address to?? What do I paint my colorless life with?? Do I have a pair of patient ears to listen to my endless yap, without judging me? Do I have the comfort of strong arms swaying me away from my creepy dark thoughts?? But Why do I care….when its totally completely, my own space…Its my life.. I deserve the right to mould it into any form I want to, since when have I become so needy to ask for someone to pull me out of the shell I have created for myself? Since when have I started living on others terms? Why do I need someone to be happy? Why do I have to hide my tears, gulping down the gush of anguish that comes up as a lump in my sore throat occasionally, without the fear of being exposed to the big bad world?....Why cant I let my hair loose & dance to the beautiful tune that the world around me is playing & just be free & happy,,,?? Why cant I go back time, when an ice-cream melted every hurdles in my simple life?? Why cant life be minus the wrath, the complicated emotions, competition, guilt, pain ………………why cant I wait for the warm rays of sun to kiss me on a wintry night of dark thoughts & furnish me with an enlightened life….They say ‘life is a sweet pain’…why cant I just gulp down the venom & laugh at the destiny that awaits me..
~Amen~

10 reasons to feel good after your break-up

2009-12-07T09:23:00.000-08:00

1) 1) You don’t have to pinch your face to bring out that pink blush when he confesses his love to you in the most corniest way, thinking he has turn the world upside down for you, proposing in the most romantic way that the world has ever seen….(when you are just wondering—“Are these lines picked from Moulin rouge?..Or is it notebook…duh!!)

2) 2) You can just give yourself a break from listening to his perpetual brags of how he tamed a wild anaconda, how he swam through the engleesh channel…. & pretending you are with a HERO!!!!!!!....sigh…keeping the constant “awwww” expression on your face, with occasional ‘oh my God...really???...my! my!...n blah blah!...(bull shit!...the jaw badly hurts, keeping that phony expression intact)

3) 3) You don’t have to smile coyly with gratitude when he picks up the grossest gift available on planet earth which probably your irritating neighboring spinster granny would have worn it eons back & still would have counted as outdated & fugly…gross! (Worse still, when he expects you to put on the next time he sees you…spare me the horror...Jesus!)

4) 4) You don’t have to pick up a salad with low carb, low fat, and low cal dressing, when he is proudly gormandizing on French fries, burgers, & hinting at your burgeoning hips & suggesting you names of gyms, health clubs.....(i wonder we never point out their ugly blackheads on their even ugly face, their dark circles, their not-so-john Abraham kinda-body, disheveled hair …then why the hell should be a look-alike of kate Moss..I believe many would agree on this—‘a butterscotch ice-cream tastes way better than any guy’s saliva’ :P)

5) 5) You can give your deceptive tongue a rest by not giving the ‘honey!..I have a very bad headache’ excuse….or ‘I dint mean to hurt you baby…I am just cranky these days, blame my PMS not me’ & the biggest one ‘you are everything, that I had ever imagined in my dream guy, I am so lucky’ ( a few extra notes of mahatma Gandhi printed paper, a posh 4 wheeler, & regular trips to sexy night clubs wouldn’t have harmed much though)…& not to mention.. “Baby!..U r so good at it”eiwww!...

6) 6)You don’t have to tickle yourself to laugh at his fucked up jokes which sometime seems like he has forgotten the punch line….but all you can say is gosh!...u r so witty!...wink! wink!...

7) 7) You don’t have to act dumb to boost his "MALE" ego, (not my fault if I am born as a smart n sexy chick…n by the way baby, I know who the finance minister of India is, the answer of ‘x’ to the power zero, & even who wrote the book midnight’s children)

8) 8)You are freed from the oh so boring events of meeting his ass friends who just cant stop praising him like they are being paid by him on per hour basis to lie & rot in hell for committing one of those 7 deadly sins of lying incessantly…phew! but U are expected to keep nodding your head in disbelief & steal glances of pride with your lover boy ….I wonder, if he is this good, then why is he not with Katrina or kareena? why on earth is he stuck with me...

9) 9) You don’t have to burn your ears by listening to the endless sagas about his momma...his mommy is this…that…n what not…but why are we talking of ethics & culture at this context, I wonder if his mommy approves of everything he does under the sheets?? :P

1010) You can reach out for the dark chocolate pastry resting in your fridge at 3 am without raising any jerk's eyebrows.

There are 3.5 billion potential fishes out there…..all you have to do is turn, focus, bat eyelid, smile….game on! :D

(All the incidents/characters featured on this article are purely non fictional, any resemblance/similarity to any person living or dead(hopefully :D) is deliberate, without a pinch of regret, thank you n FO)

I aint a bitch, I just keep falling for dogs every now & then….

Spice less monotonous life be damned

~~~peace~~~

No “man’s” zone ;)

2009-09-16T23:38:00.000-07:00

Some great (or may be not so great) woman once quoted—“Forget love, I'd rather fall in chocolate”…..the speculations that she attracted could have been like this—“what a typical girl”…”what a phony creature”...Common every one wants love…is it?? Isnt it?? I wonder…..we meet some one worth meeting, we get close in few meetings, those meetings turn to be an eye opener to expose almost everything about your partner, thereafter there are less meetings cause the curiosity/charm is lost…less meetings=less interaction=loosing interest that implies we start detesting each other like anything…n ultimately we turn to our first love-chocs(butterscotch milkshake for me;))..The world is filled with great many people; I have had a chance to meet a few in my 20 years of lifetime & had my share of going weak at knees, sighing,nauseating abhorring n blah! Blah!..so I hereby list a bunch of guys we get to see in our day today lives, the pros n cons of dating em..…categorically speaking...

1^st category-

The pimpled face geek-

pro- wowww…he is so smart!~~~sigh!..batting eyelashes~~..hez got a knowledge of everything/anything under the sun.

Con- ur frens say—u r seeing him?? HIM??...HIIIMMMM??...r u kidding??...

2^nd category-

The rich spoilt brat-

Pro- welcome to the hip! Chic! Life!!…more parties…more gifts...More fancy car rides to sexy restaurants…more—what not..

Con-1) one fine morning u may wake up explaining him—‘darling...its not the moolah!...i love you for what you are…n then wonder “what is he exactly?”

3^rd category-

The hot bodied model-

Pro- do I even need to fill this space? :p

Con- on your very first date you get to hear-“Ur place or mine”?? if not anybody’s then f$%k off! NEXT PLZ!...

The rock-rocker/hip-hopper/rap-rapper-

Pro- its so “IN”

Con- after listening to a poorly recorded cd when you are just tempted to pluck out your ears n kick their butts for the bad cheeky lyrics & worse dressing sense—u just say-- woah! Amaaazing man!..dude! u r the next Billy Joel!..i swear..u r gooooooooooiiinggg a longggggggg way” n so am I K(in the opp direction though)

The fitness freak -

Pro- feels good ;)

Con- the moment you are done ordering that extra portion of double toned milkshake with ice cream…n about to gormandize a HUGE chunk of extra cheese burger..u get a sweet suggestion.. ‘Honey!..There is a nice gym opening nearby, why don’t u…..?? “U think I am fat? @#$&^*&(

The old is Gold…nope diamond man!-

Pro- inheritance….money…inheritance…money…

Con—yeah…yeaah.....aaeaaaaahhh…ahhhhhhhhhh… …YEAH????...u done? so soon??

The religious guy-

Pro- your parents love him: O

Con- “the kind of ‘shraddha’ I have for you, makes me worship the divine being that thrives in you, lets get ourselves entangled in a thread of love keeping the sun…the moon as a sakshi to our expression of love & passion…eeewwww!!....marrying you??? To wear sari bindi, kangan,chuddi for the rest of my life.....naaao way…but who the f$%k is shraddha n what about sakshi?...

The dandy dud…errr…I mean dude

Pro- get discounts at salons for double booking.

Con- “Dahling!..u r such a nut…u don’t know the difference between beige & offwhite..? n puhleez move away from the mirror, its time to touch-up my hair…”

The poetry in motion-

Pro- sigh!...sooooooooooww romantic..sigh!..

Con- ‘ the aroma in the air is singing an eulogy to our love,

Beckoning us to plunge into the sea of sins

The flutter of the butterfly, the language of the dove

Will testify the Elysian love I have for you….

I jest not…you are the reverie I wake up to..the voice I slumber to…the touch I crave for….”

OH my god!.what was that???.Can I have an interpreter..a dictionary..anythin??....

the defensive guy from defense-

pro- you receive salutes from people, you are treated like a lady :D

con(s)- expectations are so high that, sometimes people forget their real worth,

no contact with the outer world,you are pushed to stay in a dark dungeon where you have to shut yourself off completely, phew!...

pseudo sense of pride--jesus!....the irony is u are not "THE" man

you have to keep your ears n what not available to them to listen to their perpetual brags about how they won a war, how ethical, cultured their family is, how great their lives are....

a good girl being a rare sight at such places, things sometimes take a very desperate & needy turn :D which is like yuck!!!.....

Well…well..well…this is it…till date…but I will leave the section open and keep updating it

I wonder, in which category do I fall in a similar kinda list made by guys :p

The forbidden fruit!...;)

2009-09-03T06:21:00.000-07:00

The lights went dim…the whiff of freshness in the air grew stronger……umpteen violins started playing a tuneful music in the backdrop……… I gaze at my own reflection in the mirror….stark imperfections stare back at me…I smile at it….I love it…I am falling in love with myself all over again…the benighted sky up above looks beautiful to me...the gloomy clouds bring in an air of sensuality awaiting for the divine touch…the soft drizzle kisses the soil with utmost passion….the green foliage dance in joy to reciprocate the love of rain…..the enthralling touch of nature enamors me……I wonder….I introspect….I ask myself the million dollar question……..Before I could answer, the land below my feet is swept off….is it something in me that has changed my vision of life…or is it the mysterious night outside that has cast his irresistible spells on me??.....I am stupefied seeing my own instincts….I am all game to dive into the pool of passions heightened by the downpour outside….the roaring waves ahead me look splendid reflecting the enigmatic turbid sky….I wonder…are the waves crying out a loud joyous lullaby of passion..Or are they playing the sonorous drums to alert the denizens of this sinful earth to not taste the ‘forbidden fruit’….its tempting…its alluring…..its confounding…its blurring…should I??..Should I not??..Why must I...why mustn’t I?..How does it matter anyway??????.........my stark imperfection blurrrrrrrrrssssssss…………..the thunder storm outside my dark room sends a jolt of current in me…there is no point in mulling over matters that we have little control on…I see a streak of red color in my jaded life..I appease myself by repeating…rules are meant to be breached…promises are made to be broken….liaisons are built to be crushed…forbidden fruit is planted to be uprooted, tasted n relished the venom inside to touch the sinful facet of your earthly life………
I suddenly snap out of my reverie….the rain outside has stopped…the sky has turned depressingly crimson….i anticipated for that picturesque moment to come back…I hold back for 2 secs…2 secs seemed like ages,…is it the after effects of having munched the forbidden fruit…is it the venom?...how long do I have to wait…..should I? why should I?...or why should I not?..how does it matter anyway...I am a human…a sinned angel..I err…I also indulge in beautiful mistakes to treat my senses….but now the time has come…I have to repent…I have to pay for my deeds….for diving into the pool of passions & plucking out the forbidden fruit…for letting the poison of life rolling down my guileless eyes……..
~~Amen~~~

A fading dream(2)

2009-05-31T03:26:00.001-07:00

I grope in the dark to reach for the moony visions u left in my eyes
For that lost dream, my blinding soul, bleeds & cries…
I go back to re-live all that you have ever said to me
For they keep coming back to haunt me….
I only wish you could sense the rumbling of your own heart, & embrace the fairy-tale love that’s now fallen apart…..

I never knew the vividness of our love until you walked past me to a farther land
For I believed you would come back the next day to claim my love & hold my hand…
I see you in my dreams, I hear your voice inside me, and I feel you through the air I breathe
My heart writhes in pain with no one to swathe.
I only wish you hadn’t impregnated the beautiful illusions into my mind
& had released me from the unbreakable bond of desire that has got us entwined…

I try to be a stoic, flushing out the dark image that pulls me to you, that needs your comforting touch that yearns for a pleasant musical word of love
For I am tired of being stripped off the bygone life that was deprived of the murky side of love & the grimy phase of lost love…..
I only wish I could accept the love that loves me than chasing the love that once loved…
I only wish you could read the silence on my lips & the vacant gaze on my eyes…
I only wish you could love me back &bring back those shiny illusions or make & never leave me this vulnerable…
Or bring the time to a halt to cease the pain of the tears of blood that can never be wiped…..

the moment of truth...!

2009-02-24T07:26:00.001-08:00

My mum says, ‘life is about lending yourself, making compromises, defying & then adjusting to the situation. The sooner you accept the irony, the better you cope in the times of crisis’ .like a rebel, I always was, I kept contradicting her every time I was asked to act in a specific fashion constricting myself into the mould of societal norms. But sadly, never could I see an utter defiant, petulant & self opinionated person like me fitting into it. Partly because, way back in school, I never had the need to make myself change to be accepted, never was I expected to be politically correct to be adored, I was a rule-breaker, I was a nuisance then, slipping outa the class, roaming around the town with my shriek 2-wheeler with friends, gormandizing junk food, having brawl fights with the guys in my class ,n bullying over the less popular people was what I did the best in school but yet I was loved by many a people. Hailing from a small town , & born to a family who are as affectionate as they come, & having grown in a way...Without any restriction whatsoever …I was like a happy butterfly spreading its colors to the world, I had no clue about the satires & grieves that life thrusts on u, I usually kept myself occupied by weaving unattainable dreams in the broad daylight. Shifting & shuffling between many bizarre career options, from defense to engineering & many in between, I tried my best to be practical by deciding to pursue fashion design course in future. All I wanted was to look hep, drive a swanky convertible & brush shoulders with the la di da stars of the society. The whole of Cuttack believed that I would make it big in this field somehow. Post 12th grade, I started filling in forms to get into the premium institutes offering fashion designing…….The first jolt of disappointment was unleashed when I saw part of my 5 years old dream taking a backseat when I was rejected by the best institutes of India-NIFT & NID in the final round of the selection procedure. Through bouts of confusion, & with the encouragement from my dad ,my chemistry teacher & my drawing teacher, I finally decided to enroll myself in pearl, Chennai, I was apprehensive about the place & the fact that I was gonna be among the first batch of pearl, Chennai..This was definitely not what I had envisioned for myself. But somehow, I managed to convince myself to survive it for the next 4years. I left behind my home, my people, my language, my love, my childhood, my life…..n started my journey of pearl with huge packed bags on the day of my 18th birthday, 29th July 2006 to an unknown land of aliens, filled with people I can less relate to, to a world which looks flashy from far…. I still am trying to figure out whether it was supposed to be my best or my worst birthday ever……………On entering the premises of pearl, I was unperturbed to meet many different people from different places. I suddenly felt introvertish when I saw the people with whom I was gonna spend the next 4years of my life. I dint feel the need to socialize, I just had one thing in mind whether a stubborn person like me would survive the hostel guided by rooooolesss n regulationssss…..the way I am…I feel claustrophobic, when I am asked to do things in a manner it should be done, I might as well have turned up doing the same if I were on my own…but I don’t want people telling me, what to do & what not to..Even my parents have never bothered to do so; I am not used to being ruled by dictators. While doing the first assignment in college, on my first day in pearl, I realized the paper was wet with my tears, those two drops taught me to be stoic, taught me to wipe them away & accept the new life…..unlike earlier times, I didn’t call up my mommy to tell her how much I miss her, even when I was dead sure that she too was welling up her eyes missing me, I suppressed my craving to reach out for a pair of strong arms of any friend of mine to hug me tight…. I rather continued with my assignment…………………As days passed, I was lucky enough to be staying with my sister, rather than in a hostel, after one year of slogging day in & day out, I got to get a clear picture of what the life of a designer is…its not all that flamboyant as I had imagined. the language barrier in Chennai, where a non chennaiite is often touted as ‘hindiaa’ or ‘northie’ & sometimes treated indifferently, mocked just for the petty fact that u don’t speak their local lingo & are adamant to call the national lingo-Hindi as your own, taught me to love my country even more…I relate to hindi much more than I do to oriya…specially when people address me as a north-Indian not just an Indian, when people here prefer to cheer for Srilankan cricket team when playing against India, & when almost whole of my class was in ignorance during the period of mayhem in Mumbai attacks, but got a week off when there were chaos in Srilanka. Everything made me feel more responsible towards my country, which I will definitely work it out someday when I am in position to do something. Thanks to Pearl, Chennai.Foundation year passed through thick & thin then started the actual career route, where the rules of slogging were defined in prominent letters. Unending assignments, meeting deadlines, groupisms, less friends, no family……..2nd year brought along the air of true fashion designing. I suddenly came across a new word ‘professionalism’...Which has hell lotta deep meaning associated with…but if you stick to it, you definitely reach the peak of success in this field…I always did what I liked, designing was a passion for me, never did I feel the need to market it & sell a part of me (my idea), I couldn’t bear the thought of selling my art for money. But I had to accept the irony.2007 post august was the darkest period of my life on personal grounds, psychologically; physically & emotionally I yearned for a support to pass through this, which obviously I didn’t get….rather the ill habits that had conjured in me over time ,took a toll over my academic life or to be precise my attendance,….I was debarred temporarily….I still remember the day when I was making merry for giving a very good submission, correctly at that very moment I was summoned by the dean who broke the news……that was the first time, I was so vulnerable in front of my parents that my condition, my mistake made them cry..N for the first time I spent my new year & Christmas shut out from my school friends in utter despair…..post this phase, everything fell back to normalcy…To be honest, how much I abhor to be in this place, city, surrounding, I cant miss to acknowledge the fact that this 3yrs of my life have posed a very crucial period of my life, if I hadn’t been bitched about, hated by my colleagues for my unpredictability & sharp mood swings…I wouldn’t have ever learnt the flaws in my character traits & never realized the importance of behaving professionally. if I hadn’t been in company with superficial, ooh la la time pass friends, I would never have understood the meaning of honesty, trust that’s involved in the making of a relationship as pure as friendship, I used to take my school friends for granted, but now they are a part of me, if I hadn’t stayed away from my parents, crying all through the night craving for their hugs n kisses, I wouldn’t have learnt to stand independently & take care of myself…moreover the distance sharpened the relationship, & made me realize how lucky I am to be born to such parents who are ready to stifle their own wishes to fulfill the tiniest dream nourishing in the eyes of their selfish daughter…if I hadn’t been betrayed by the person whom I considered my God, my future, my life, I would never have become an atheist, a self dependent, more confident…& this taught me to fall in love with my own self…n made me discover that I find solace in writing, giving vent to my emotions through words became my new passion, If I hadn’t been a victim of prejudice, I would never have realized the stark difficulties of life, now I am geared to face the big bad world, If I hadn’t been discriminated on the grounds of language & place, I wouldn’t have thought of trying to become an asset to my own country…3yrs already over..just one more year to go to graduate… I don’t know what the future awaits, but I don’t want to be among the rat race, the only ambition I have as of now is to be contented n happy…I don’t want to grow old to find out that I have missed all sweet happy things of my life running after gold…My mother was always right, life is indeed about making few compromises, making you flexible n most importantly accepting both good n the bad....you can’t always wear a pair of pink tinted glass& expect the world to walk according to your terms. Now when I see myself on the mirror, I see a new, improved, matured Ipsita…who no longer wells up her eyes for petty reasons, no longer expects unexpected things, who loves her people to the core…values relationships, people, & tries to be at least a good human being, if not an ideal one….. its like opening your eyes after a spicy dream that has few a smiles n few tears….this is life…a cuddly dream or a nightmare…you are a part of it…you have to live it with a smile, that’s the best you can o for your own goodwill.

the "In" factor

2009-02-24T07:20:00.000-08:00

The perfect 10 body, flawless complexion, shining mane glory topped with the graceful moves that can make any guy skip a beat....yeah! Yeah!! They got all! From name, fame, physical appearance (psst-they are also fortunate enough to be wrapped in arms of guys we can only gawk at)...admit it!..every morning when we stare at our mirrors scrutinizing our flaky skin, unmanageable hair, extra bulge...we wish to wake up, the next day, as one of those beautiful models/celebs who adorn the front pages of every fashion magazine, & manage to slip into the size that we could only dream of, by crowing about things that forces our lips to mutter a ‘sigh’. Moreover, it elevates our agony when we hear their statements of maintaining that look ,confessing to be big time foodies......Right- we all want to personify the oh so “in” anorexic size zero kate moss image. kareena is the latest addition to the size 0 rage which is catching up very fast in India along with the other western countries. i, myself being a girl, feel guilty every time I put anything in my mouth, be it healthy, unhealthy whatsoever. You feel like a thief, if you treat your tongue in public. you ll be disillusioned with people from left & right, east & west staring at you with eyes showing....’jeez-have-a-look-at-your-burgeoning-hips-before-gorging-on-that-pc-of-cake’ look. Well to be honest, this is one of the reasons why I avoid eating at junk joints; i prefer packing them up for home ;).Imagine, having a burger in public, u need to open your jaws like a huge heavy dinosaur to have a portion of it. There is nothing more embarrassing than this. lol. the clothing brands are doing their very best by pilling up plus sized garments on the racks of every good retail shop, but only a handful of people manage to get in there, because they are displayed on a completely different section of the store with huge..yeah large posters of plus sized women pasted confidently on the walls of the store, that scares off many women of that size, to go in there, so, they prefer, shopping in the normal section which have got normal & plus sizes in the same section.
There was a time when curves were the most prized physical attributes that one could ever have. The voluptuous curvy bod depicted in the Indian sculptures & mythology was the true representation of feminine beauty, whereas petite was taken to be a result of malnutrition. But now, the mantra is .’xxxs size rocks’!!!...my take on this current trend is, that one should keep the near to perfect image to models, comon!! they have 100s of people around them every second to take care of their bod, skin, nutrition, garments & what not, an average person like you & me dont have that kind of time, money & energy to spend on doing those, then why do we have to expect the results so extreme as that. Trust me on this, they are painted with loads of imported make-up, concealers to screen their zits, to look on tv,mag as they do. Even they complain of acne & dark circles. we shouldn’t constrict ourselves to that glossy illusion, rather we should focus on the positive factors in us. yep!!! thats what I tell myself everytime I catch my lips salivating at the smell of a freshly made double choco chip cookie, & eyes staring blatantly at the oh-so hot model adorning the poster displayed at the showroom next to the cookie shop. Well, again, I should believe that, models should look like models, a mom should look like a mom ,a corporate female should look like one, , while a fashion designer can look like anything she wants to ;-)

yeah!! yeah!!.....woteva!

2008-12-29T09:43:00.000-08:00

I had dreamed of becoming the Alice of Alice in wonderland fame, when I could barely pronounce the name right, but unfortunately that didn’t happen, because by the time I grew up, my priorities had changed, & now I prefer a pair of fangs dripped in blood over daisies adorning my hair.
I had dreamed of belonging to the league of the ‘oh-my my’ beauties with low cerebral matter after bagging few names in local lil miss contests, but again that wasn’t my piece of cake cause, to replace my full fat double toned butterscotch milkshake topped with double scoop ice-cream with a cluster of fancy green grasses (read salad) was totally out of question. So my delusion of romancing hot bodied guys, throughout my youth & later aging with a rich NRI…& the coveted career of air kisses vanished into thin air.
The beginning of my actual academic life imbibed in me the dream of hanging a stethoscope around my neck; little did I know that I would grow up to get just pass marks in biology, & nauseate at the sight of blood & moreover the movie ‘anatomy’ didn’t motivate me much to pursue the medical career.
My combative nature had induced many people to advice me to become a lawyer, but heylooo!!...to earn a handful of bills at the cost of becoming the centre of all demeaning, degraded jokes was too much to ask for.
I had envisioned myself voicing for the leading dance-gana type actors of bollywood. Damn! The producers of Indian idol saw more potential than me in an effeminate nasal singer (if yelling-“tadap tadap ke” counts as singing) who not only gave visual pleasure by dancing in florescent green tee with red pants but also was plucky enough to merge his amazing yelling talents with mimicry of artists who you wont recognize unless named. My bad, was no good at anything other than matching octaves…so this dream got squished...
Finally in time I realized I could articulate lies, fabricate stories, & probably can bitch my way up to paparazzi….so fashion designing seemed to be a promising career. Although I am pursuing the same, still dwelling on the fear of dying a spinster if I continue this career meant for not-so-straight guys.....
Well…well…as of now…I have whims to grow up as an authoress/columnist/novelist….& this entire piece is a living example of how close I am to my destination..Amen!! :p :D

a fading dream

2008-11-13T08:45:00.000-08:00

Deep down my heart, amidst the sublime beauty of my glossy oneirism,
There was one name; there was one word of bliss looming around my lips
Without any second thought, I plunged into a well of prism
That then brightened the untouched parts of my soul….
Little did I know about love, uncertain I was about our future…
I was with you; & was naïve, not to realize that every piece of happiness comes with a toll

I was susceptible…I was hooked…I was in love with the love that grew with your plasticine language of eternal liaison…but how did I overleap the icy gaze behind your sugary words?

Deep down my heart, amidst the cacophony of our silences
I wished to believe, that the distance will bridge & the insecurities will dissolve to claim the love that once was illustrious
In no time, the deceptive mirror split to pieces
That hurts till date
Little did I know to emote my emotions…unsure whether to take the first step
I yearned to catch a glimpse of the pink life, but couldn’t charge at anything other than my egotistic fate

Neither of us initiated the first step to redeem the sanctity of our relationship, I appeased my vulnerable soul to get over the past delusion & move on to a new light…but How am I to entomb
Those clandestine moments of love…those whispers of commitment?

Deep down my wrecked heart, amidst the perils of lost love
I tried to close my eyes to the flying images of our first kiss… your touch, the melody of your melancholy voice …
I tried to search for the music in my life, the words in my books, the light in my eyes, the soul in my body & you in my love
I was no more as myself, the dainty bud matured to a stoical effigy
Learned to smile behind the dark cries, learned to lead a life with superficial pleasures

I will live on… refusing to fall in love again, defying the world to prove my feelings for you…
There e can be no one but you…I will wait till eternity fades....I will love you till I live to be me….

a walk with solitude

2008-10-05T10:59:00.000-07:00

Desolated….wistful….lost in an individualistic cloud of thoughts sewn together by the nostalgic past….. As I struggle hard to keep my tears from rolling down, a beep in my cell phone diverted me, the msg sender accused me for being way too occupied with the “rocking” life I was leading, as a novice designer, & not keeping in touch with old friends….I couldn’t think of a suitable reply to satiate him, so I dint bother to punch in the reply option…By that time, the train that leads to my house was pulling in. I stumbled through the platform to catch a seat; it wasn’t very crowded, since it was a late evening on a weekend. I settled myself on a window seat…the deafening noises of my thoughts were subduing the whispers that sounded like some alien language spoken by the people around….
As I was moving, the images of my last trip to my hometown, which I had some couple of weeks back, started floating in my mind…..
The scorching summer…was cowed by the soft drizzle, welcoming the grand arrival of the monsoon that was shrouded by the striking clouds & green foliage-yep the elusive month of June...woah!!!I had been waiting for this particular day for ages; finally I found myself back into my mother’s lap...my home town after a longggggg semester of blood & toil... Nothing can beat the fun that comes packed with summer vacation. I strutted through the railway station with a bag full of random plans & ‘to do’ list to keep me happily occupied throughout my stay. As I stepped into the streets where I had grown up… I saw myself as a kid hopping around, cycling; gormandizing guilt free junk food in the places that mark my childhood….I felt a strange tingling in my heart…I wished to do all of those again with my school friends to reminisce the past…same street...familiar place...most importantly I could hear the language which I had grown up speaking, all around me. Everything was exactly the same as it was a few years back when I had to leave this place…
I got back home & frantically started phoning everyone & anyone I could remember...to tell you, I was all the more excited because, my work involves me to slog 24X7 with very less holidays, but in summer they are generous enough to grant 2months off. My happiness knew no bounds when I met my closest friends, all I could think of at that particular moment, that nothing has changed at all , only to realize the next moment that I, had been blinded by a pair of colored shades that saw what I wanted to & refused to notice the life that’s actually on a gray scale…..the subjects of talks & activities which once loomed around corny satirical jokes, our own take on crappy movies, mockery on fellow classmates & teachers, penning thesis on the disadvantages of our educational system, gorging on street food like gluttons, throwing guffaws of laughter for no reason was now replaced by praises of prospective gf’s & bfs, college-adult one liners, course studies, future plans, sophisticated cuisines, & mechanical smiles..….my so called 3AM friend’s phones were either busy or on a no answer mode round the clock, wooing sessions & extra classes, additional courses dominates a students vacation.…I felt.. 2years can be long enough for a person to change but short enough for others to get accustomed to the changes they notice in their loved ones, It all about career & future..Not even one has a single second to spare & smell the aroma of blooming flowers around. Every one yearns to be in the race of time & hardship & come out as a sole winner. Settling for something mediocre is all the more offensive than losing…may be I envision happiness from a different perspective, that’s actually a mirage, which seems real from far…& shatters when I try touching it…I am always accused of being a person who hardly emotes her emotions verbally…I couldn’t never tell either of my friends what I have in mind..rather I expect them to decipher it for me…but guess…our wavelengths had distanced too much to even receive a faint signal….
I may not be very professional in my work to turn out to be the brightest & the richest star in the fashion field…I may not be a player to have numerous hunks swooning around me charmed by my beauty….I may not have the heart of gold & transparent soul…I may not be an seraph who is oh so perfect…honestly speaking..It’s all because I don’t intend to be any of these…I chase neither luxury nor virtue...I chase my unblemished emotions, which is sometimes squished by my people who are dimmed into the pseudo pleasures offered by the world today, & the same who were once the treasurers of my life…
2months flew, attending family functions & participating in movie marathons..& of course fretting incessantly for not doing any productive work…in no time I got back to my glitzy life…I should be happy...Not many persons get to live their dreams..I am doing what I wanted….I am pretty ok at my work...I have colleagues who teach me every single moment, to be a b**** to excel in this field… I learn to live while being hated by many…I have a few great ‘men’ in my life… I have a promising career ahead, touch wood! …rocking life??...yeah…superficiality coated with syrup, topped with diplomacy, lies & prejudice in a sweet way of course….if this is how you define…yeah absolutely!..I have a rocking life…but the only thing is too much of sugar makes me nauseated….
I suddenly notice that I was about to reach my station…..I walked out of the train into a pool of unfamiliar gazes…
I don’t believe in the existence of God…I don’t believe in miracles…or destiny…but I do wish to believe that my past days will come back & beckon me to live them all over again………

Being an Indian...

2008-08-17T09:48:00.000-07:00

15th august,
Another day under the shadows of the independent India has dawned on us....the sun shone brighter than the usual, today, to anticipate the feelings of patriotism & freedom.
Independence...freedom...doing what your heart says, without being imposed by others, being accepted & accepting the way things are....breathing in the whiff of happiness & self gratification...wait! Hold on for a sec!! Happiness?? Contentment?? Don’t these words sound unfamiliar to your ears? What do you think are we really liberated???
Every person has a different meaning that tags along this day, for some its just another national holiday meant for the politicians to take the age old vows they had been taking since last 61years, for some, its a day off to catch up with a movie or friends, while for school kids its presumed to be a fun day loaded with lots of events, shows & singing the national anthem with full on energy. I do miss being part of the hyperactive bunch drooling over the ladoos meant to be distributed after the function gets over. But unfortunately the period has passed, & it’s high time for me to have come out of the shield where Independence Day meant nothing more that howling patriotic phrases, tossing flowers, & nibbling on coveted ladoos.
I am always accused of being cynical by nature; I always crib about the not-so-bright aspects of being in India, & I sometimes even feel, I would have been better off, if I was brought up on a foreign land with a silver spoon. I hereby confess that the luxurious-high tech life, with ‘devil may care’ attitude of the people in west attracts me in great deal.
But today, Its independence day, tune into any channel, you will be greeted by our musical maestros, political cavaliers, & the golden pillars of our country speaking ,singing & uttering the magical words eulogizing the glories achieved by our country.
but since I am out from the days of roaring feverish jingoistic words, I thought of going deep into myself to answer the above question from my perception- that are we really liberated n contented being an Indian in the throttled up jet age...???
I took a stroll down the street, to find the kids running around sporting tricolor paper flags....kids....with immaculate emotions do their level best to mark this special day unaware of its deep rooted purpose of celebrating the day, by having fun, getting a day off from school, & spilling out their frisky instincts on every thing around them...n most importantly they are celebrating their freedom from homework, irk some lectures, & schools....if not for every day, but yes they seem happy & liberated today..
On moving a little further, as every body seemed to be in real hurry to reach don’t know where. The traffic comes to an abrupt end when the signal turns green. A woman rushes to a nearby car holding dozens of paper tricolor flags...faces rejection at first...but an Innova owner gets out of his car, approaches the lady to spend few coins to provoke a sweet smile on her lips...that gesture dint really improved her lifestyle...but did buy her a moment of happiness....
i wonder......
So diverse are our dreams......our mindset, our dilemmas & glories,...how unlike each one is from the other....six decades back, we were fledging republic struggling with our newly attained identity of a free & independent nation. the entire nation shook with the rampage initiated by our own people, to throw away the foreign ruler, & pledged to get their ashes buried in an independent India...one dream, one destination, a single vision with uncountable eyes .....today, the word skeptics say that the word “we” is replaced by “I”...n we are far from the ideal sketch of India conceived by our great leaders of the past...I agree to this to some extent, but not entirely....I mean, what is expected of us,??? to change the entire nation & transform it completely into some idealistic country with little flaws, by swaying a magic wand?? But what’s again “ideal” defined as??? To be an active competitor in the rat race of escalating to the apex of technological, nuclear

advancement.....somewhat like the US?? Or to make it a nation of uniform wealth with no mayhem whatsoever?? sounds like a delusion to me...I completely agree, today’s youth have somewhat gone astray, with their stereotypical lives, aping & doing things robotically without any passion...but think the other way round, we might not have reached remotely nearer to that dream which shone in the eyes of our past leaders, we may not have one destination, we may not be doing any solemn good to our country....but we have kept ourselves entrenched to the primeval land of India, we shed tears & held each other & resurrected our lives after being attacked sporadically by terror groups, we roared in ultimate bliss by creating history in the first ever twenty-20 world cup series, we see the faces of our own sons in Dhoni, Yuvraj & others..we couldnt bat an eyelid, when Abhinab Bindra kissed the gold & saluted our tricolor flag .....our heart wrenched when our own bollywood diva- shilpa shetty was a victim of racism, & cheered when she walked through it all, & created a new name for herself & her country on a global arena....we are the only country who boasts of an array of filmstars who can not only make the tough stone to break into tears..but can mesmerize every foreigner by the ethereal beauty & masala entertainment, if not the creator of microsoft, we house tata, birlas ,mallaya & ambanis who are not very far from being at the top most level ever reached by anyone. We are in a regular spree of producing geniuses from IITs & IIMs...we are the proud bunch to claim the eternal love exhibited by the erudite architects who built the Taj Mahal, to have the nightingale in the form of lata mangeshkar, to boast of ethereal beauties like meena kumaris & aishwaryas.....to have an eclectic range of tastes served on our dining tables with vigor, we are perhaps the only one to prefer our mom’s made dal-roti over pizzas & noodles, to make hullabaloo spiced with dance & music for umpteen days during festivals, weddings, engagements & what not...to cry & laugh together as a family over the dinner table....the only one to drool over blonde babes & brawny hunks...but favor to settle with salwar-kameez, sari clad ladies & specy dal-chawal consuming gentlemen....to address every person from rickshaw puller to vegetable seller as chacha, dada..etc.....to burst into moans & cries when shahrukh or Amitabh faces any unexpected catastrophe on screen, but we drink our tears of blood when encountered a similar situation in real life...we are Indians, we are sensitive, we break down very easily but the next moment we muster enough strength to turn the tables & fight back, we exhibit extreme emotions, we belong to the families of brave blood which created an uproar decades back...we have kept the diverse flavor intact....if not the best...we have the dream to be better than the rest...& have the devotion to be up there...we are, I am, proud to be born as Indian...n yes!!! I am happy, proud...& if not completely liberated...I celebrate the bundle of joys hidden behind my dependence over certain things that sum up to make be independent...to make my country independent...

aN oXyMoRoN...!!!!!!!

2008-07-21T06:53:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, a minute seems like an hour.... as everybody around my vicinity elopes into a deep slumber, I count the number of times the pendulum of my wall clock moved to & fro, 234...35...36...37... I stop the count for a moment to switch the mushy music playing on the background to a mushier one...As I lay on my back gazing at the ceiling, I wish the white to be of midnight blue color & be placed high above, adorning itself with millions of twinkling diamonds... I break into a smile anticipating the quixotic lyrics of the song playing... one part of me desires to get lost feeling each of it, while the other struggling to make me grasp the fact that dreams are made of emaciated glass,....
...I get off the bed to catch a glimpse of me on the mirror, I see stark imperfections staring back at me...I wish to be turned into an immaculately beautiful Cinderella by the touch of a magic wand...but why do I have to value vanity over my beautiful imperfections?
I flip through a magazine to pass the muted & dawdling time.... I only wish I could be what I wished to become...wishing to land up in an arena where wishes are nurtured... but alas! I didn’t realize that there exist uncountable heads but less actual living beings....
The night’s so still that I could actually hear the rhythmic beat of my heart....I get into a deep pensive mood when my mind tries to wander through the less conquered spots of my soul..i wish I could travel time back & withdraw some of the harsh words uttered by my ruthless tongue, & get back the unsullied emotions some had for me...but how can I ever appreciate love in my life, if I dont face hate & rejection??....when one part of me yearns to break the shackles of the life, fly all over with a pair of golden wings & breathe in the aroma of solitude & freedom in a grand way...while the other wishes to revisit, the lap of my childhood, where a single moment of joy was multiplied by dancing like no one’s watching you, a drop of tear flown from the innocent eyes was wiped down by three strong pair of hands, where real freedom was screened by the dependence on people who personified selfless love, when relationships were simpler & easier to maintain.......& to relive the moments of endless & thoughtless yapping sessions, guilt free ice-cream binge, jumping over puddles in the rain, bickering over petty issues then forgetting all of it the next moment, forgetting pain by a simple hug, beautifying the Barbie doll, without giving any significance to your own appearances...
The world’s moving slow today... the clock strikes 2...& no sign of sleep on my eyes...I peered through the window, to throw a gaze into the night sky, & lend my ears to the eerie silence lurking outside my window......as one part of me presumes the darkness outside to be an indication of the arrival of solitary days that will sweep the distant dream away from my feet...while the other part appeases, while taking it to be the time before the verve gushes in to my soul in the form of sunbeams.....

*BeEp!!! bEeP!!!**

2008-07-07T07:44:00.000-07:00

Could there be any more irritating phrase than the most used “what’s up”? I agree it can be a handy cue to initiate a conversation, but trust me, no matter, how much ever happening a person’s life is, his response would never ever change from a cold monosyllabic reply with a wry smile, I mean what does the asker expect, other than this, You cant blurt out in response to ‘sup’ that your college life is sucking all your leisure time, ur having a rough time with your time-pass friends, u dumped your partner cause you realized soon that he/she was a bloody moron & so on...all you can say is ‘sigh! nothing much, lifez on’ & put him on the same place by asking him back ‘what is up with him’ & be prepared to hear the same reply ...this way the vicious cycle continues....
talking of the new emerging virtual life, When my inbox is generally filled with irrelevant job opportunities, lame discounts & shopping offers, my orkut scrapbook gets flooded with ‘sssup’ msgs in no time. Since at times I, login more than once in a day,i find the same insomniac guys (whose residential address could have been better if changed to google-orkut,) who I would have talked to,a few hours back, will scrap me the million dollar question ‘what’s up’ all over again. During those times, i wonder, what could have possibly happened in a couple of hours for me to narrate them all , I should better revert trailing my neighboring aunt who not only finds 24 hrs a day short to speak about the world but, rather is humble enough to be sharing juicy details about the colony peepz ongoing affairs,spicy inside stories, her ‘secret’ recipes, & ofcourse the wellbeongs of tulsis,parvatis & komalikas of her theaterical life revolving around these characters,with the vegetable/fruit/junk sellers. I prefer not to dwell on it for others good...apart from this conversation initiator, theres this F-word which is the new anthem for the gen-x, these days, i hardly find anyone with a formal brit lingo, as they say, a booze session cant be complete without following it with some heavy moves amongst other drunkards, & a pizza cant be tastier without putting in a dollop of fats, it seems a sentence cant be complete without using the ‘f-word’ more than twice or thrice. There exist people who have little grammar sense, using expletives articulately without making much sense out of it. It’s the word that makes them feel trendy & give them a pride of belonging to the ‘in’ peer group. i still don’t get it how does one feel like an American from using the word which means copulation in every f#$%ing sentence, & by addressing people irrespective of gender as ‘man’, this term gets into my nerves, I am a woman for Christ’s sake! Some dork fans of rappers even go to the extent of calling men- dawg!! another most annoying thing is, the use of the word ‘sexy’ which is used not only to describe the image of poverty stricken, plagued by mal nutrition female bodies with tons of grease paint, but also to inanimate objects like glitzy cell phones, swanky cars & what not. The world’s getting smaller, so people are limiting their vocabulary it seems. anyway, no hard feelings to any connoisseur of this ‘in’ hip-hop lingo, but the last thing i would like to dub is that a crow can never be metamorphosed into a beautiful pearly white swan irrespective of the amount of talcum powder he uses..:D.errrrr....ummmm,,,.it would be better on my behalf to shut the f&$k up before, the ‘dawgs’ get offended, & spurt ‘f$%k u”s straight on my face by showing their middle fingers...

ThE rEfLeCtIoN!!!...........

2008-06-01T07:11:00.001-07:00

I walk into myself, to feel the withering of the psyche
I gaze into my own reflection that seems disparate...
The reverie appears to have faded, which is no rife
And the clouds unmoved, beckon my soul to migrate....

I walk into myself, reckoning the broken mirror
I gather the shattered pieces....
But the vague pieces pierce through the lifeless skin making a furor
The cry went unheard; the cacophony was confined to the pieces....

The call of dusk seeps in...I gulp the tears of blood
I give myself up....
I linger for a faint beam to see my own conduit of life...
I implore for a change in the current weather of dryness after the long night of darkness....

I walk into myself, with a whiff of life, with a new hope, with dried tears & cold smile...
I strive to touch the beaming rays of vigor...
But my quavering hands didn’t reach the lighted pile
I grasp the stoic truth, with its rigor

The call of dawn seeps in, there is light in & out...
I yearn to give myself...
I linger to merge the new delusion into my life... all in vain
I see & hear an unsullied day...but incapable of feeling it...
I walk into myself, to find myself walking the walk in solitude deprived of life...
~~~IPSITA~~~~

tHe FoRgOtTeN..!!!

2008-05-27T07:37:00.000-07:00

A dull day at the college, few moments spent in unhealthy arguments, few words shared that would have been better left untold, made me long to evade this ghastly world which refuses to go according to the terms of humanity....I dint want to go back to my so called ‘home’, decided to take a stroll into my soul, where am I heading? ....after a few seconds of disquieting thoughts of the previous few days happenings... that was playing in my mind, I manage to get a window seat in the bus, trying to overcome
the distress of being under the sun throughout the afternoon in Chennai in the month of May. Looking out the window, a billboard caught my attention...it claimed the product on display was for the rebellious “gen-X” n the same addressed our realm as “Youngistaan”... it made me wonder, how do they/we define this very term ‘gen-x’, in this ultra low-waist jeans & undergarment peeping generation, which direction are we exactly going? Taking a path that surrounds one own self from all sides?? No matter how bad it was...I am at least contended that I got to learn one huge thing from the experience of my professional career...yep! Selfcenter=hatred=jealousy=sadistic attitude=loosing everything to score marks= “being professional” In a phony attempt to be “professional”, we are walking....infact walked past the line of humanity, there’s no love or compassion, there are false resolutions that are made to be broken, there is hardly any friendship left, there are colleagues for whom we have to put stress on our facial muscles to forcibly initiate a smile, there’s no time in this world to enjoy a cuppa cappuccino by oneself & introspect, there’s enough time to build air castles & elope with a delusion of being superior from others...there is no occasion to enjoy the first rain, there is no patience to sit & get delight from the sea waves...but we have all time to a grab a drink or light a cigar & shake a leg amidst all drunkards....we have come ahead of time, all we need is to be “THE BEST” anything mediocre is worse than losing. We don’t really care to be what we want to rather; we wish to pull the leg of the person into drain, who dares not to follow the herd. According to our preamble we have ‘freedom of speech’ but dare you speak something that’s true (but eclipsed), you will be outcaste in no time. in order to be tagged professional u have sing in praises of your teachers, or better still if you can manage to nod at every stupid pupil’s lame statements who are ideal students because they manage to spend enough time & energy in buttering the teachers. We celebrate virtual freedom, & live lives in a glass house, where we can only see the outer beauty can never hear or reach for it, ....this is gen-x where there’s only one prominent word in the vocab i.e. “I” not “we”....we will be successful in future, if not happy....although i have been accused of being an “unprofessional” a term that i never really understood before, I derive a strange pleasure from breaking petty rules, following my heart even though its wrong from someone else’s eyes & being myself...even if that sometimes results in being thrown out of the crowd.
Gosh!!. There is a little drizzle outside...this is a rare sight in Chennai, the climate’s changing here...suddenly i feel a sense of bliss within myself...the memories washes away with the rain...as small drops of water tries to get through the window to get me drenched...I foresee a change...I see a good purpose for everything that happens....bliss persists...even though it demands an extra step to bring in that lighted side screened behind the dark clouds

buzzzzzzzz......

2008-05-14T10:06:00.000-07:00

I step out of my dean’s cabin, with a “rakhi sawant lost the dance show” look on my face, cursing the $&%^&^ computer guy, who by now was celebrating his victory of confiscating yet another of those irresponsible student's life (yeah! u r right..the cellfone) for just forgeting it to tune into silent mode...

Time seemed to run in reverse, i felt like a child whose favorite candy was snatched by some green eyed ogre..,,the beautiful images of emergency situational talks like “ what should i wear for party”...”sssssssssup” “honey, u r chooo chweeeet” “hehehhehehhe” “u know, they are going around” talks flashed my mind...n how can i miss those striking moments, when my lil devil came to my rescue to avoid an idiotic conversation or an awkward situation,for instance say if you are stuck in a place filled with people straight from fashion street Paris-Milan, dressed in ill fitted kurta & unkempt hair, with slippers on...how do you think you can ever escape those “eeeeks! is that an ugly martian???” looks from the people around.....or may be you are stuck in the local streets of cheee-nai wearing a trendy miniskirt & tank top, standing in between hundreds of eye popping white lungi, kancheepuram gold stud peeepal...how would you ignore those “ aiiiyooo” looks from the peepz....yeah! u got it right!! here comes the dude! the player!..our very own besto friend cellphone to rescue, pretend to text, pretend to talk to shahrukh khan & get away with any situation, however bad it may seem to you

how can i miss out this...the “miss call” funda, call it the easy way to save your balance, or the sweet way to let someone know that you “miss” him, its the best thing of owning a cell phone i feel, oh! i so very miss giving miss calls...

Gosh!! 2days of my life without talking my talk, & facing the blatantly embarrassing, awkward situations directly on my face...? save me!!

as i was walking back home..i wondered..how was i surviving three years down without the mean machine, there is something at a time we arent even that well aware of its existence, then suddenly outa nowhere u are introduced to a new gadget, u love it, pet it, n without realising u are so addicted to it that u cant imagine your very existence on this planet without it, u feel incomplete without it.....& you....(ringing sound)...jeez when am I gettin mine back??...look at this people cant even keep themselves away from their mobiles, while crossing the roads..!! bloody cell-addicts...

~~IPSITA ~~~

MuTeD

2008-04-13T05:11:00.000-07:00

Still wondering...what’s wrong with me ??is the world pacing up, or am I walking slowly?

I remember walking on the street by myself in the evening. The crowd around me was in sheer hurry to reach itz destination, cars honking, buses over crowded, peddlers waiting for the signal to turn green so that they can rush into their homes where their loved ones shall be waiting for their arrival. It was probably one of those moments when my mind turns mute, stops responding, the sounds of the techno nature fills in my ears....i was totally lost in the crowd around me...like a carcass body, i was unable to see, feel, hear anything..except for the noises around... i have taken this road umpteenth times before but still it looks different today....i walked in, the road looked familiar to me.... similar to the road which I used to take few years back...miles away from the place I am in currently....the same road which was taken by my school vanl, where I spent uncountable moments yapping about nothing at all...mocking people who barely have anything to do with my life....laughing insanely without any reason...

It suddenly reminded me of my kindergarten days...when all 4 of us from my family would start an expedition in full spree to absolutely nowhere,laughing, talking over the small sibling fights...

ummm.... anyhow...life's completely different now.... I have to complete my assignment as fast as i can...i remember asking for a black sheet of paper..not again!! Black! Again some Goth topic...do i really like gothic stuff?? Guess not...well anyhow 2yrz down the lane, i was a pink freak

.then a pasta packet...I never liked them before...but yeah..my taste has changed over a period of time....I will manage it for tomorrow’s dinner......but yeah..forgot..i have classes till late, so wont be in a condition to cook my dinner. So ready to eat would work...

Life seems so slow when things don’t happen the way u had expected...the road which i could have walked with my loved ones is walked by me in solitude, maybe i was too busy looking high up into the sky to relish the sight of beautiful birds flying to celebrate their freedom...or was looking down kicking the small pebbles lying on the road, that made me miss the moments that could have only felt in normal view line...

on my way back, i saw the 4 yr old daughter of my house maid, a familiar face..i passed a smile, that provoked an innocent smile on her lips....

I walked back home, waiting for a beaming face to open the door for me...

Just realized that...what it might seem to you might not be how it is in reality....

i hastily searched for my keys...opened the door, switched on the lights, pondering over the submission that’s due next Saturday. i had waited for an entire week to get an offday today.. Cant wait for tomorrow to move in to the place where i don’t belong...where i am nothing more than ‘Ipsi’...where i pass fake smiles to all, have forgotten how it looks when one smiles with the heart....but this is where i always wanted to be...this is what i have chosen for myself....the world's on mute...n is definitely acting deaf ears to all my queries....one more day of my life has come to an end......& i recall nothing but the naive smile of that baby girl....

life is beautiful...but unfortunately...i have never been a good admirer of beauty..

~~~~IPSITA~~~

fRoM mY eYeS..!!

2008-03-27T23:23:00.000-07:00

The fragments of my illusionary life are wrecks sublime....

Yearning to be discovered until I plunge into the layers of bliss,

I see, I hear, I feel a bewitched elevation that leads me to a world...so unknown

With conviction in heart, desires in eyes...I walked the walk...talked the talk...n headed towards a nameless destination...

Reality unfolds...I break out of my illusion

I open my eyes...I envisage the trail so uncertain...yet promising....

The journey begins with the dawn that assures verve of innocence...

Longing to be screened by the eternal love of his blood...

I see, I hear, I feel the whiff of purity that emerges from the glistening gaze of the fresh bud

That promises a life that matches my imagination

The inquisitiveness seeps in to the life of the budding bud...

& sink in to a world where incongruity rules and reason fades into oblivion

i see, i hear, i feel...the beauty reaching its peak,

The blooming flower assures to paint the days ahead with the colors of passion

Wishing to conquer the world with the power of beauty...

& quenching the unbearable urge to give vent to my expectation..

I see, I feel, I hear...the emotions guiding the unruly heart beat...

Love is in the air, i am afraid that this ecstatic start can abruptly end without any revelation...

The best phase of this journey.

.wishing to get lost in the aura of compassion..

But the reality seizes by the throat..

The lines that one articulates are the only culmination...

The fragments of my illusionary life are wrecks sublime...

Yearning to be shrouded until I plunge into the layers of empathy

I see, I hear, I feel the dark dots merged with the emotions so immaculate...

The innocence is lost in the world of shadowy musings

Blinded by the unfounded inferences borne out of the fallacies....

Turning into a zombie, a puppet of shadowy flesh, coveting for a life in compensation

I see, I hear, I feel, with the tears flowing thru the veins of my lifeless carcass body...

I gape at the sordid cesspool, feeling the dreams as I introspect....

Coveting to move on & on & on screening my exasperation

The journey that displayed an array of vibrant colors

That taught me to walk with adulation

The expedition of knowledge, faith, emotions... starts to dawdle

I see, I hear, I feel the contention in the brooding eyes...living in a neutral state of being..

Desiring to float in the air with the conscience that had guided throughout....

The dusk nears down...ready to close the eyes & merge in the white world that awaits....

The journey doesn’t end here...

i see, i hear, i feel...a life ahead of life located in the ecstatic land of utopia..

~~~IPSITA~~

tHe SiLeNt NoIsE...!!

2008-03-07T22:28:00.000-08:00

Woken up by the eerie night...

She stood still to glance at her own reflection

She sees the fear, the unfamiliarity, the unquenchable thirst, yet she stays out of sight

She undoes her mask, lingering for the revelation

A voice, so mellow, hums the hymns of her life...the silent noise.

A voice, so thunderous, guides her to her soul....the silent noise.

A voice, so lucid, illustrates a new her................the silent noise.

She hears those voices...

Wondering...r these real??

She hears those noises...

marveling..how should she feel??

a voice that guides her....the silent noise

a voice that keeps her company in her solitude...the silent noise

a voice that grasps her when she falls...the silent noise

It’s her soul speaking...

Urging her to fling the bellowing past...

its her inner desire murmuring...

Dieing to scroll out a reason to smile at the appalling past

a voice that enlightens the murky path...the silent noise

a voice that tries to kill the swarming pest of sorrows that drapes her life....the silent noise

a voice that introduces her to her own reflection....the silent noise!!...

~~~IPSITA~~~

LiFe--4m My eYeS...!!!

2008-02-26T08:34:00.000-08:00

The waves singing the lullaby of nature...breaking the deafening silence by hitting themselves aesthetically to the huge rocks that is adorned by the crawling crabs, some moving restlessly while others basking under the evening rays of the crimson colored sun...the chirruping of the flying birds doubling the beauty of the evening sky that seems to have merged with the sea far away.... Beaches have always been an attraction for me since i was a kid, overlooking the fact that as a kid I used to have nightmares of drowning in an ocean.but honestly..They just take me away from myself; I just love to feel the cool breeze flowing me & the melancholy voice of the waves hitting the shore...sometimes the ambiance becomes so still that one can actually hear the sound of his own breath...i have this habit of getting lost in my own web of thoughts when I am on a beach, so today rather than spending time with myself & ending up with tears at the end, I decided to kill time by watching people...totally relaxing it is... the lovely sight of kids hoping around...lovers whispering sweet nothings onto each other’s ears, families relaxing & clicking each others pics, aged people- some lost in their own mysterious worlds while some engaging all their senses into discussions on topics that no one but them would enjoy to indulge in...Group of ladies tattling & enjoying their hearty meal of junk food, fitness freaks jogging around...the balloon walas trying their level best too woo kids to persuade their momma’s to buy them some lovely balloons from them...the vendors publicizing n fighting with others to prove that no 1 sells better panipuris, sundel, candy floss in town than them...less fortunate people begging around withstanding the straight faced people that includes most of the above mentioned...

there was something that kept me glued to the place...there was a kid around 7 who belonged to one of the balloon walas...he was begging &crying, although i couldn’t understand his language but from his gestures I could make out that he was trying to say that he was awfully hungry. One of us handed him over a packet of brown bread...he was soooo very elated...i seriously cant describe those shining eyes filled with happiness...he then straight went running to his mother to show her what he got for himself....n she equally anticipated in her son's happiness ....

on the opposite road there was a veryyy cute baby must be something around 5..a French, accompanied by his mum...dressed in lovely clothes...he was running all over carrying a round blue balloon with his mum chasing him...seemed to be a perfect lovely image.... This made me wonder:...how diverse each of one us is from the other...why do we have to do things that we do...why cant we have it the way we expected to have happened...if

dreams are to be broken...then whatz the point in dreaming...there are so many hindrances that block our paths & prevent us to reach our destination...

I never intended to land up in a field where one is expected to sell his own ideas, creations that I would rather prefer to keep it to myself...how can one think of earning money from things that you enjoy doing in life, by displaying them & giving others the right to judge them,, n showcasing your personal creation over someone who is not you....how can one turn into a plastic puppet so as to get a momentary pleasure by achieving some materialistic luxury...why are we expected to keep running when we are totally aware that, while we are busy chasing worldly pleasres we might overlook the small joys that once used to liven up our souls n minds......

I thought over it;which made me realise that there are certain common reasons associated with everything done by an individual....there are things that we have to do..inspite of not really wanting them to...all I can do is to accept life as it shows with a smile..coz u never know...what you goin to see the next day....

Well my mini vacation to pondycherry came to an end...it was time to return back, sleep,..& get up early the next morning so as to catch the first bus to Chennai....

~~~IPSITA~~~~

mE aGaInSt....!!!

2008-01-11T01:28:00.000-08:00

Lost I am in the shadows of my past,

Yearning to screen myself from me

The apparition crawled over me leaving me all aghast

Wishing to evade myself from me

My times of yore haunt me

Longing to depart my soul from me

I screech & scream!!!......

Coveting to speak my heart...but whom do I share my vicious past with...???

without squishing my blood’s panoramas about me....??

Lost I am amidst the confounded crowd....

They scorn at my weary soul

The elves of this world accuse me aloud

They despise me & seldom let me touch my goal

The dreams that adorned my eyes shattered

Leaving my dark deceased soul all withered

I cry & yell......

Longing to share my grieves...But whom do I talk to???...for mates don’t trust after being exposed to my naked soul...

Lost I am in the meadows of abhorrence

Longing for that hallucinatory life

The loving remembrance is a past & so is my reverence waiting for the love to conceal the memories of my dark life

My murky life had a new vision to aggravate my state

The love disowned me after trifling with my soul...

I shriek & rebel.....

Wishing to be loved in spite of my gloomy doom...whom do I ask 4....knowing that the love is not mine to command....

Lost I am in this new transformed world

Tired of being a puppet of shadowy flesh

Like a wingless butterfly forced to place exactly into the new mould

i wish to liberate from the bondage mesh

i am confined to a glass dungeon for my dark past

I see all, without feeling anything, desiring to inhale some air at last....

I fight & demand....

Craving to b free...begging to get back my life...waiting for a miracle to take place..But whom do I ask to????? I have woken up to my solitude...

Have lost all faith..have noone 2 answer the questions....for an atheist never believes in miracles....so there I am all again lost

Lost in the dying world...

Yearning to be lost....

Away from me.....

~~~Ipsita~~

tHe HuMmInG wInD....!!!!!!!!

2008-01-05T07:14:00.000-08:00

The humming wind promised me a striking dream
The smile assured me the life I desired
The voice kept me in full beam...
The illusion perfected the world I treasured...

The humming wind promised me a transformed life
The melody made me lost in ecstasy
The words that were uttered were no rife
The life ahead looked quite easy

The humming wind promised me an eternal liaison
The gaze of honesty dissolved my worries
The breath of freshness gave me utter elation
The strong hold of love transformed me into a garden of roses

I was lost in me....the blissful life was a step away.......I was ready to shut my eyes to feel the new life...
But nature had a different game plan...
I hold my breath...I hide behind my soul as reality unfolds...
Oh! Almighty divine being...i have been deceived...lost all faith in myself..my dreams...& everything that keeps me ticking....

I woke up to my own shadow, wishing to be lost in the mirage of my life....
A world that is anonymous to me...
I woke up to a dying life that can never thrive...
An unpleasant reality that was never in favor of me
I woke up to a sordid verve.....
A smile lied to me
The eyes deceived me...
The melody slaughtered my soul...
I woke up to all my woes....

But why do I still long for that illusion..the life,,,the beauty I cherished...
Why do I still believe in that lost love....the warmth of affection that was never mine??
Why do I still trust in....
the humming wind that promised me a striking dream??

nEw-"U"

2008-01-05T07:08:00.000-08:00

1/1/2008
Yippee...!!! Its new year again...loads of fun...Frolic...party...& eclectic food to celebrate the year so as to give a blissful start to the year ahead....Happy New Year to all of those reading this piece...
Unlike other days, I marked the day by roaming around aimlessly as well as on a bingeing spree with my family....that was fun except for the fact that I am so stuffed as of now...that I have no option but stick to this lappy....so I thought of penning down something that was ticking the back of my mind since the time I came home for my winter break...I was wondering, whether the world where I was born & brought up at changed all of a sudden within a span of a year...or is it me who’s imagining things....
While conversing with a very dearest friend of mine I was put in a really awkward situation when she said something that really baffled me because I had never expected her to say something like that.... on asking how she spent her vacation..in no time she replied—“ it was seeccksyy” ahem!!ahem!!! She took a long journey to be at her friend’s place, who stays with her dad, who’s mostly busy going for tours & attending meetings
...& they spent the days watching porn flicks which they got it for rentals from a nearby shop & relishing rums & beers & went for guy-watch & paid daily salon visits
...she had her share of fun when her parents were contended thinking that their child is busy preparing for her coming sems at the hostel...
.well to give a brief character sketch about her as she was when I had last seen her i.e. a year back
—I would say every person would have come across such a girl in their lifetime for sure...a person who has never really stepped outside the world of integration-differentiations, molecules- atoms, dynamics..etc etc..who treats her parents like someone who has just descended from heaven...who would never hang out at some zing-zang restaurant with all of us & whose idea of entertainment would be to visit some temple..advice people( specially to those who would never pay heed to any of her words no mater what) narrate each & every titsy bitsy details about how her day went & all....salwar-kameez clad never stepped into salon kinda look...a female chauvinist who was ready to pounce on any guy who makes a pass on us...& an avid believer of satyavadi harish chandra..thinks telling white lies would drag her straight to the doorway of hell
I am in short of words to describe her.. Someone who‘s from the black & white doordarshan zamana....
Well this was “XYZ” (name withheld) a year back...& present day she is---umm I am speechless...

I truly am in for of the article that came in times this Sunday which was titled as “bad is the new good” which listed the kinda changes that the youngsters are undergoing in themselves as well as on the surroundings to achieve what they want to...& become a free bird...they no longer have to be the slaves of society..age old adages which bound them to the customs & beliefs which they wanna run away from, to stay in a world that’s their own...From a school going child to an aged being everyone’s tied to the decrees of the so called world where we live in...Now the gen-x is coming outa the barriers & has defined
a new lifestyle that is written in accordance to their own terms which means liberating & doing what they want to...not what they are expected to..

Citing another example—“ABC”( name again withheld)(hint—my beshtest friend he is) a studious, ill fitting formal shirt guy who was always treated like a non-sexual entity (no offence intended), had no guy pals of his, was the victim of all nasty nuisances that were created by the classmates of his, a typical simpleton who would easily break into tears for some reason or the other....a mamma’s boy who would go out every evening sitting in between both his parents on the scooter driven by his dad (was quite a scene, I must say), was always laughed & mocked at..but truly an honest friend to be with..that was him a year back....knock!! knock!! Present day— I would like to start by eluding a conversation that he was having with a really arrghhh behenji kinda girl...she says “oh my!! Tum to mere peeche hi pad gaye”..then comes his answer in a melodramatic way “ itni sundar ladki ke peeche kaun nahin padega”.....eeekkksssss....yuck!! I have never heard anything more cheesy n crappy than this dialogue...anyhow, today, clad in denim boleros, straight fit trousers sleek glares, sexy wrist watch, he moves in swiftly with his spoilt idiotic guy friends(followers to be frank...so they could incorporate some of his stupid moves in their lifestyle),, he claims himself to have become quite a ladies man, & have started calling me babe (I wish they had emoticons here...i would have inserted the angry one), he has graduated himself to call himself a MAN (spoilt brat) who flirts in & out with every second girl...makes sure to hit the gym regularly, has made beer his best friend & tries to put in every fashion elements in his wardrobe....
As the times paper say, that today’s youngsters have no compunctions to openly emulate!
There’s a freedom in being labeled bad that good gals & guys never get to taste. Shah Rukh Khan’s “yenna rascala” in OSO has a strange liberating quality that appeal. If you are good, people around have expectations of you.in trying to live up to these as well as your own self image as a good person, you operate under immense pressure all the time. But once you are labeled as a “rascala” you are a free bird..no one excepts anything from you & you live your life on your own terms...on a serious note, today we have come a long way, & there is no such thing as good or bad..being true to yourself is the operative phrase.not loyalty to others. what maters is how we perceive your lives, its important for us to be aware of your deep instincts & desires as well as be loved by all/most inspite of their foibles, ones ought to have a courage to stand up & face the mirror...
Well, today I feel sooooo relieved...all those guilt of my past petty misdemeanors vanished all of a sudden...i could feel the soft pleasant breeze...since it’s the beginning of yet another wonderful year...we learnt a new defining relationship between good & bad. A fine balancing act that tips the favor towards good at some point while towards the bad the other, depending upon the circumstances. For this is how the new man is...no angel..no demon...just plain HUMAN........

reality check!!!...........

2007-10-07T22:44:00.000-07:00

Like any other day..i woke up late last Thursday hoping for our classes to get suspended for some reason or the other…but such a thing happens once in a blue moon..my hard luck!!…I got out of the bed grumbling & nagging…I had to take a local train to get to my college due to heavy traffic during the peak hours…while commuting i have a tendency to lose touch with reality & sneak it to my fantasies..…it so happens that once I was walking so unmindfully that I was unable to recognize my parents who were standing a feet away from me taking my name loudly…but that day..something really caught my attention….while waiting for my train to come I saw an underprivileged family sitting at the platform fighting amongst each other over some plain boiled rice that was preserved in a colored polythene…
The family comprised of a young couple & their 2 kids…the girl around 2 & the other toddler was some months old I guess…the unkempt man was wearing a pair of ragged grubby shorts…his hairs were messy as if never been washed…& what I could see & count that he was mentally unstable as well from his body lingo…& was that he was least bothered about his kids…. the lady was clad with a single thin chiffon sari was breast feeding her younger baby…the elder daughter..a pretty thing she was..so very cute & bubbly she was..trust me on this--i felt like adopting her that very moment....(but of course I couldn’t cause I am too young for that) she was so lovely..she was hopping around holding a broken piece of toy…n at times she used to kiss & hug her younger sibling..very sweet she was..i just loved her…the younger baby was another baldy cutie pie...the weather was so humid & hot…for which the baby seemed uncomfy n irriatable…but later it slept peacefully…as I mentioned earlier the man was demented( one could easily say that watching his body lingo for a couple of moments)..That bristly man was picking the boiled rice from the polythene & was holding a blunt razor kinda thing with his other hand…& he was trying to slot in that razor into the soft skin of her daughter whenever she tried to sneak her hands into that polythene…afterwhich she used to throw a loud cry…but her parents stayed unperturbed by her cries…this was the entire scene….u know what made me observe them for so long…is the glint of happiness that showed in the eyes of that girl..i mean precisely she had nothing…she was not fortunate enough to meet the bare minimum requirements….but she hopped..played…shouted…laughed….sometimes a stanger teaches u a lot what a known 1 is unable to express….i seriously got the gesture which answered me loud & clear…to the question that I keep shooting at my dad as to why I cant be given the latest cellphone to flaunt or the costliest lappy which added features as compared to current 1 I am using…
My train came…that girl saw me staring at her…I threw a smile at her…I was reciprocated with the cutest smile I had ever received in my lifetime…she made my day…the day went really well….
I have no idea what to write next…but yeah!!...i remember a saying which I came across long back..which goes like--- You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.

unplugged!!!....

2007-10-04T23:18:00.000-07:00

My mom often quotes-- life is incomplete without tears…then why is it difficult for me to accept life the way it shows…why do I keep chasing my worldly dreams that provides a pseudo momentary pleasure…why cant I just let it go..n do whatever i really want to without being judged. why cant I let my heart cry without bothering about what impression I am gonna put on others if I do so…why do I keep staring blankly searching for something that I am not familiar with… …I claim myself to be a no nonsense kind of person…then why do I want to liberate myself of these bondages & follow my heart…? I am not depressed….but why am I so lost…..what do I long for every time I shed tears over petty issues without ever realizing what am I really crying for… to be honest these questions have seriously muddled my life…& one thing that keeps bugging my life is that how do we judge people…as an individual..i think I am really good at it..in in fact I am very fast at predicting a person’s instinct as on what his next step gonna be..coz I am quite an observer I guess..but to be honest is it correct to judge a person from his gestures,..,talks or previous deeds or conducts??? Shakespeare once said ‘nothing is good or bad, only thinking makes it so….” Why can’t we follow this…? why do we tend to be harsh on people who have a bruised past..is it their fault ?? cant we just put blame on the situation that went wrong?? But who are we to decide whats wrong n what is right…infact..to put it this way..is there any adjudicator or judge who can filter n split our conduct/deeds into good & bad…personally I don’t believe in any kind of idol worship..i don’t visit any temple..i never join hands or vow my head in front of an idol…for me my God is my conscience..he is someone who I can relate & communicate with…he is no alien to me.,.hez a part of me…but the point is we are human beings no superpower we possess..why have we turned so mechanical…on a personal scale why cant I relish my butterscotch ice-cream without thinking about calories…why cant I kiss my loved ones without bothering about the crowd around me ….why am I preferred speaking sweet pleasant white lies over stark unpleasant true facts…why do I have to respect n socialize people who literally wish 2 stab my back…why am I presumed as being rude & unruly when I am a private person & wish 2 keep my emotions to myself…why am I judged by my appearances..why cant someone fall for me respecting my thoughts rather than craving to get lucky with me…why cant I be taken as something more than a pretty commodity… on retrospect why did I take up consuming alcohol, when I had sworn by my dad not to…he has been the 1 & only person in this planet who understands me to the core…& an epitome of courage & patience….has been an ideal to me very supportive & will always be…why cant I be an ideal daughter 2 such an ideal father….why was I not there with my best friend who loves me like anything without expecting anything from me in return, when he needed me the most…during a trial period of his life…he is always there for me whatsoever…but why cant I be a good friend to a wonderful person who I can say have understood the real meaning of life in a very young age…why did I betray the trust of someone who trusted me to the core…why did I act in such a self-centered way…why do I lose temper & put up really senseless acts when my chemistry teacher who happens to be the only teacher in my career who I really look up to….n a well-wisher of mine that he .is always with me till date to guide & advice me…a wonderful but bit sensitive human….in spite of acknowledging these points…why did I behaved in such a childish manner the other day when he said something he had the right to….why do I hurt my only sis by undermining her & pinpointing her weak points…who kisses me goodnight when I miss my mom…..gets really petrified when I am down with fever or something…& had sobbed a lot when I had to leave home for academic purpose….
what happened to the promises that I made long back to myself ….why have I become so unstable & disconnected from my loved ones
intentionally & unintentionally my acts have hurt lot of people who are acquainted to me…the only dilemma that I face is I really cant express the amount of love & respect I have for them…who do I blame..the situations that intrigued me to mask my emotions…or the mechanical life that has turned me into a plastic doll…i am tired of being a fake…these unanswered questions have taken a toll over my life…life interrogates me…but i have no answer…I would let my tears communicate for me…as they say- tears are words the heart cant express”

DiVaLiCiOuS!!!!....

2007-08-23T07:01:00.000-07:00

“every woman knows all about everything.” --Rudyard Kipling

Gosh!! It feels so good being a woman…I was flipping through the magazine of India today when I came across this article which stated a handful of reasons as to why men envy women..or better still if I put it in this way…how are women superior..if not superior..how special they are as compared to the other sex…it just made me sit back & think of some wonderful elements of my life that I njoyed/njoy being a woman…
Dating back to the childhood days…every mamma wants her daughter to look at her best..frilly baby pink frocks..ribbons..ballerina shoes…cute beaded anklets,,,even as a child we had lot of options to pick from.. Again it’s a fact that in schools n even in the families..the guy child is always held responsible for any nuisance act commited,,,for teachers & parents think baby gals are sweet haloed creatures unlike the eternal born devils-guys..citin an example—i remember I was quite a notorious thing in school but since I was decent in academics n other curricular activities, I had kinda okay repute in school, I remember in my 6 or 7th grade..our class had this really frail short..snobbish kinda class monitor, but I must say he was outspoken n was kinda oversmart, & was appointed as class rep after going through a series of buttering n “u r always right ma’m” sessions with our then weird ‘straight outa som e other planet’ class teacher…on a particular day the entire class was punished where we were supposed to complete an assignment without putin our bums on d seat unless we are done, n he was there to make sure everyone does their works effectively without creating any hassles, a history assignment it was, it was obvious from my side to start messing around to kill time..i threw my books aside & sat down peacefully without giving a damn to that sicky creature,, seeing me lot of others had gathered enough guts to do the same..the class went out of his control, & I was the one who was talking & shouting at the top of my voice, this gesture of mine was more than enough for him to lose his temper..the very next moment our class saw a real good memorable war, we exchanged punches, kicks & slaps..lol..that was really funny..but since he was the one who started first..n being a gal it was obvious 4 me 2 fite back & take revenge..all I needed was some women supporters, which I got…& the next step was to xplode the bomb targettin him..& the result was he was badly thrashed by the teachers..carried a black mark throughout & his position was given to some1 else on the grounds of misutilising power & striking fights with angelic..softspoken persons..lol!!..that was a real memorable event in my life…girl power!!
Hmmm..now coming to the teenaged period….the best period in a gal’s life, lovely dresses accessories make-up bling-bling lookin stuffs n lot of other things..all u need is a little bit of mix-match n voila!! U are ready to rock!!!!..but poor guys they dnt have much options thse days..an ugly looking gal can look hot with some tricks..n can turn a few heads but not the same with guys..its a proven fact that guys stare at women…whereas women stare at other women..its an age old tradition which is stil continuing…& in a relationship, guys are expected to make d 1st move…they have 2 shed all their inhibitions to ask a gal out n should be even prepared to hear a ‘NO’..gals hardly face such circumstances...lot of discotheques provide ladies nite out n al that with free drinks n al..n guys..they need a partner wid them 2 enter the premises..

Then when it comes to having family, she plays the role of wife, daughter, mother effectively. Women play any role thrown at them with seemingly effortless ease.her salary goes straight into the shopping malls..clothes..jewelleries etc..in other words she likes to spend on herself…& n her hubby’s salary is expected to be spent on beautiful clothes & diamonds 4 his beloved spouse,,,that means more of clothes & accessories 4 us!! We love desserts we can relish them anytime & everytime..it produces endorphins..n makes us feel good…when it comes to men..they enjoy their boozing sessions with their men folks..but they drop their beer bottles at times to be with us, .then the most most important facet of being a woman is that they have the power to give birth & create life, men just get to stand by & watch...
Coming to the next stage..its an irony that kids are attached more to their mammas.. Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house..mothers are divine beings..4 which we can numerous adjectives another women…& then it’s a fact that A woman has the last word in any argument…Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument….
Honestly speaking!! I would b dead if I weren’t a woman!!!..

d mYsTeRy unfolds......

2007-08-07T04:59:00.000-07:00

Its said that.... During a typical lifespan, a human spends a total of about six years dreaming…(which is about 2 hours each night)..its a mysterious & fascinating world where rules & limitations of this pragmatic world/reality don’t apply. as a child I had always been one avid dreamer, who loved fantasizing & live in a totally different world , but as time rolled on I got in touch with a very weird passion that I incur, i.e to decipher dreams & connect it with the practical side of me & relating it to the pragmatic life I lead which includes countenancing the day to day situation. We live in this so called sordid cesspool where every single person wants to ram out others just as a part of their survival strategy….the darwin’s theory of the survival of the fittest still holds good, metaphorically speaking. Being in this rat race, we neglect the call from within, the call that foretells our future..our intuition. Dream analysis assists our senses & introduces us to a world that’s factual but looked on with a different perception from the same eyes….I believe dreams binds our body mind & soul....it brings out a totally new person out of us…it’s a method of self exploration that helps in contacting ones conscience..& discover oneself ..& it helps in to get oneself familiar with the deep desires..there are lot of times I have had experienced nightmares there was a time when I saw myself running amidst mysterious woods…holding something snugly across my chest…gasping & panting…being followed by a creepy dark creature who strangely though bear a halo…the next moment I see myself trying to pace up…but I m kind of held back by some unseen forces…the very next moment that ghostly shadow overtakes me taking the object that I was holding…in a helpless state I saw myself left abandoned…I suddenly woke up to a call that informed us of the sudden demise of my granddad…dreams certainly tells a lot… just after my admission to a fairly good college of high repute…I was always woken up by a murky monster who used to create a cacophonous ambience with its dreadful laughter whose voice just grew heavier & hoarser every passing moment…. I had a series of such dreams till the commencing of my classes… it stopped after that…I later realized that initially I had an inhibition in my mind of being unheard & unrecognized amongst the herd of people around me in my new environment….that so defines the dreams that I used 2 experience..every human is unique in some way or the other..so are our dreams.. No two individuals can have common background, emotions, or experiences. Every dream is connected with ones own "reality". Thus, in interpreting your dreams it is important to draw from your personal life and experiences..i personally feel…lIt provides people with an insight and is a means for self-exploration. In understanding your dreams, you will have a better understanding and discovery of your true self…its just like any other hobby which rejuvenates your senses yet helps you to know yourself better…I keep this space open would keep updating it..so dreams speaks a lot about us..we just ignore the call at times....go ahead indulge in a revitalising journey of unravelling the mystery of Ur lives......