Free Fall

Caught in a whirlwind of erratic thoughts, I struggle to cease the melancholy tune playing at the back of my mind......Phew! A year just flew away leaving behind a trail of indelible voids in my life. It shuffled me up high in the air furnishing my frail arms with a pair of wings and on my merry flight, it just snipped off my pinions, striving to escape the free-fall I encapsulate my claustrophobic soul with an impermeable sheet of emotions that wrecks me from inside. I close my eyes to a long tunnel of darkness, I move on and on into it, waving to the pool of happy plasticine smiles, with my heart going green with envy, envious of their ability to keep their head at its place, for the driving force that kicks them to stay alive, for the warm blood of passion running through their veins. the eerie murkiness of the journey doesn't seem to fade, I tread on with my self imposed cape intact through the tunnel awaiting for the sudden rush of light...waiting for the hallowed angel to break the shell and light me up to a new horizon, fly me off to a land far away from the farthest ground and enable me wipe off my drenched eyes....As another year knocks into my door, I lay back and ask myself one question...what tomorrow holds for me? I don't know whether there will be colors on my white scape, if I would kiss the pinnacles in life, I am unsure if I was born to be special, all I know this year I would walk on the edge and ring the bell of luck.
*Amen*

Confessions of a cello-holic

Dipped in the intensity of my liking-sharing-caring act, i tend to ignore the utterly annoying sign of putting the cellphones (read ur facebook/gmail/corp mail/ zooming around with 3G speed stuffs and Gawd knows what all) off for the next two hours and push yourself into a so called reclusive world without a cellphone...JEEZ! In no time, i landed an airhostess with a dazzling plasticine smile instructing me to put my soul off for the next 2hrs...FINE!! there yu go...out of my 3G world I tried to look around with a 2 dimensional view and randomly started surfing through a travel magazine, an article about a nature resort in an exotic island did catch my attention for a few seconds, it claimed to traverse you out of the chaotic cacophonous metropolitan city into a quaint beautiful villa where you enjoy the luxuries in the lap of nature unplugged of electricity/ phone calls/needless to say internet at a price of a bomb....this made me sit back and wonder, how would life be without my mean machine-my cellphone?? Ironically, i do realize the level of my addiction, I also agree, I rather prefer to lie down play soccer on my phone than go sweat it out in real, and my hanging out with friends mean more on con calls/vid conferences, anyhow, I am aware it aint that good, but trust me just to go on a voyage of self discovery in some far off island I cant overlook the nostalgic moments i shared with my fav gadget, My normal days starts waking up to a tuneful Linkin park music alarm set on my phone, i check mails, i have replaced my daily chore up picking up the newspaper from my door and enjoying over a hot cuppa coffee over checkin over the news site on my cell with a cup on the other hand....then all through the day I pin for applications from a vast pool in the adroid, all my friends stay in my pocket and are just a ping away ;) I can spend days on a go setting my status updates/liking and commenting all around n yeah! I make calls/text too, I am now drawn to a pool of thoughts in sepia mode, of how I spent my teens texting sweet nothings to my girl friend(s) (thanks to the student pak where 100 msgs were free for a day) forwarding lame jokes, surfing thru errrr..umm...educational content and sharing with friends, clicking snaps endlessly to get a perfect pic for the networkin site profile, changing ringtones every other day, setting upo cool callertunes and what not....then came the 3G where the phone is not just a call machine..its a lifestyle, I store and travel with my world, the ocean of applications/knowledge/people are just a tap away
I love it, I live it! Its a part of me....i enjoy being Bz on 3G, rest everything comes secondary ;)
Monochromatic monotonous lives be damned
Amen
time to fling some enraged birds to drive the fat pigs away and keep myself occupied till I can tap back into my fb world
Ciao
~~Pradeep~~

With love, xyz

I was walking barefooted on the freshly mowed grass caught in a drizzle, with the soft breeze blowing into my drenched hair ,singing lullaby into my tired ears, the million twinkling stars above my head tripping me into a delusionary mish-mash of thoughts…..walking beside me was another soul holding my hands gently and helping my unsteady legs to a smooth gait, we sit on the wet grass, breathing in the aroma of fresh soil after a lash of rains, talking and talking for hours about nothing in particular, In those few moments words are exchanged, some laughs shared…some accusations…and some words of flattery…On the whole you are having a nice time and living each of the passing moments, but the ironical part comes into live when you just snap out of the reverie, all you could do is relish those bygone moments as thoughts. A moment , you were tasting the kiss of paradise, whoosh the next moment you are dragged out of your illusion with a kick of reality, craving for the time to reverse. Did I go wrong in treasuring the moment or was I destined for short trips of happiness…..? Why are we, humans such suckers for short lived glories…? why do I keep searching for the treasure hunt at the wrong place, I wonder why don’t I take a big U turn in my life and just welcome the current time with hugs and smiles rather than living-re living the bygone....why am I groping in the darkness of my solitude at this point of time looking for a familiar touch when my mind and soul have reconciled with themselves and are yelling at my bleeding heart to wait for the sunshine patiently…..I have zillions of questions floating in my mind, the answers to which I don’t comprehend….I haven’t lost hope…I do believe the pariah is right within me, I need to bring it to life but….why are my eyes welling up??...what am I looking for? My vision is too blurry to have a clear scape of what’s waiting for me…..the pain is too excruciating to get onto my feet and walk backwards and clear the grit of my past….why cant I just let go?...why am I crying? Why can’t I just go out of my confinement and dance in the rains anticipating for a change in season….why cant I love myself again???....why cant I sway a magic wand to make myself beautiful all over again??.....why cant I reverse time….
Come back!...come back to me….let me relive those moments again,,,
<3

My apostles

To my beautiful gurlie pal, who has stayed up on me all night listening to the gibberish I had to rant cribbing about my college, boy friend and all the global gyan i had to share, who has spent almost 18 yrs with me laughing , sharing punishments at school & living a beautiful eccentric lives of our own…. she who brings out the child in me, nurtures it by giving it a healthy dose of fun & laughter….
To my sugary sibling who has come a long way from a petulant little kid to becoming my source of strength for lifetime, who would just not let me grow up, & has now grown an uncanny habit of holding on to silly collectibles that reminds her of me, my sister- who kisses me goodnight & cuddles me to sleep while I would be in welling up my eyes, missing my mum
To my new Mum (in-law), an epitome of syrupy sweetness who has done more than enough to break the stereotype that our mind sketches of the word "saas", a woman who just wont budge from showering her love & affection in the form of dollops of butter added generously to the sumptuous parathas she makes every time i pay her a visit, who accepted a 22yr old rebellious brat as her daughter-in-law with a bear hug & a wide smile…
Lastly to my mum--for bringing me to life, whose contribution in building the figments of my life is in such tremendous quantity that no matter what I pen in favor of her , would be an understatement to her selfless existence in my life..someone who has shed tears in tons fretting over my future, who has done everything & anything it takes to make the smallest of the small dreams come into life for me, who can sketch out the current state of my mind in a jiffy, who would still treat me like a 5yr old & buy me soft toys on my birthday, who will innocently listen to all the nonsense I have got to yap, who would accompany me on my endless window-shopping sprees, ....who knows me by my pulse like no one else does....the woman in my life who can fight with the entire world to bring a flicker of smile on my lips, a woman who has brought me up like a princess, spoilt me silly, & has done zillions of sacrifices to keep the tiara on the princess’s head intact
I raise a toast, & bow my head to the wonderful ladies, who make my sepia life worth living with zest by adding a palate of vibrant pink into it….I am proud of being a woman myself for being worthy enough to spread the word of love & affection as these woman have in my life & many others…......I dedicate the special day, week, year & life acknowledging my beautiful life as a woman.....Celebrating the spirit of womanhood, I wish one and all a very happy women’s day, Hope we all continue adding magic to this dull world by our beauty, compassion & love
:)

all about wooo "MAN"

Phew!...finally I have a moment to myself, to clutch my pink pen & try cast a spell on myself that would sway me to an unconquered territory inside my muddled up thoughts, Finally I revert to my first & "only" love after a huge gap. Sigh! such a relief, I wanted to pen a unique piece to exhibit my grand comeback, but Alas!..all I could think of as of now is to script another male bashing blog entree :P Now that sounded straight out of a biatch's mouth, umm I guess, rather than pretending to be a FCP all over again, let me try something different today, let me sing in the praises of men, Grrrr, over with my usual pleasantries, let me straight hit the chord, MEN!!..men!!..ME-n MEN!!!!!!!!!!......you love them, you love bash them up, you love to flutter your eyelashes to pierce their hearts with your manicured finger nails, you love to love them, you love to hate them, Jesus! some special out of the bugger lot you cant imagine your life without, so here it goes, dedicated to the special ones(read one) that has been instrumental in moulding my life in a certain interesting way with a pink perspective...
1 my boss f*&@s my life, I had a verbal abuse session with my best friend, my boy friend's ex(es) refuse to f@#$ off, the traffic gulps a piece of my steaming brain, bloody PMS, someone hints at my burgeoning hips when I am just about to gulp a kilo of my favourite ice-cream....grrrrrrrrrhhh!!!!!!!!..........*enters the hero* *hugs* *pecks on cheeks*....addresses me as "his" "small" "baby".....**anger melts** **blush** blush** sigh! Blush*
2) you may over hear me saying, I am independent, can take care of myself, smart, Cosmo girl, and blah! blah! and more Blah! But at the core of my heart, I always want someone to take charge of things & lead me, & Men are biologically programmed by their inflated Male egos to guide their ladies when I can just sit back, relax as a pillion in my life & trust the special 'him' to walk me through, even though his roaring self esteem may not allow him to ask for directions when he is lost, but still its his headache to stay on-track B-)
3) the view ahead is myopic, on the top of it you are colour blind, what a disastrous combo, unless, YEAH!! unless you have your sugar to wrap you in his strong arms, nudge you in the right direction, & let the optimistic ray of warm sunlight fall on you.PEFECT view!!
4) I like butter scotch, he likes the same without butter, I cant stand strawberry, he cant stand without munching on few fresh ones, I dream in candy shades, he sees through crystal clear lenses, my pink tinted fantasies rule my throbbing heart, the gray scaled world rules his mind. together we procreate our unconventional world of differences, that serves the regular potion of nourishment to both mind & heart..
5) Had a long tiring day (plus the events mentioned in pointer 2), to rejuvenate my senses, all I have to do is...to reach out for his smiling, dimpled face followed by LOLing at the silliest of silly PJs cracked by him ,that you can find all over the santa-banta kinda sites. which is any day better than a stick pole sitting at home giving you global gyaan about things you have attained a PHD on (the last line makes no sense, but still felt like adding it :P)
6) contrast to the general notion that girls go for henpecked hubbies is totally a myth, how would you feel when you are shouting at the top of your voice, calling him names etc, & he listens to you intently without moving an inch,,boring!! isnt it....I personally prefer some one who can fight back, react to my witty sarcasms by wittier sarcastic comments, someone who is a wooo...MAN not a WOOman :D
7) I am a responsible individual, matured, responsible..woteva!!
.AHEM!! Ahem!!....* the kid inside me pops out* *its welcomed warmly with a big open heart, mushy kisses, & is elated, sometimes feels on the 7th heaven as though he received his favourite candy without even asking for it :)

Well!well...well..enough of carrying a halo over my head, lemme just satiate my zingy tongue by amending the post by adding yet another cliché—you love them...you hate them...n even though sometime you may wish to, but they just wont let you ignore...

Have a great weekend girlies with that special someone of yours, don’t forget to screen your devilish horns with a sparkling halo over your head ;)

Mind trip

Not even in my wildest dream had I ever thought I would be seeking solace in the tiny space of my blog from the maddening crowd of thoughts frightening the daylights out of me.....Never thought I would reach out for my laptop and frantically start sketching out my mind when my heart bleeds to talk...talk the mind & soul out to some unbiased pair of ears...At the time, when the feeble walls of my misty dreams are collapsing, all I can do is pen out like no one's reading or maybe the entire world is ears to patiently decode my silent tears.....I gulp down the bile coming up my throat,stifling to evade this chaotic commotion of my mind....Bewildered...Provoked...dragged into a smoky haven..forced to wear a plastic smile, when all I want to do is shout..cry out loud...ITS MY LIFE!!...let me be ME!!...Good bad...Ugly..I love it..Its amazing to play myself...i beseech the almighty to let me live in my Illusion....Let me enjoy the dark smoke that will gulp me down someday...Let me be the writer...the writer of my own fate..
Amen!

All Pink'd up :)

14.02.2010
Throughout my teens I mooned over the Shakespearean saga of eternal love, the tuneful melody of violins playing in a far fetched land & the rosy images of mills & boon…I sigh every time Raj (of DDLJ fame) stretches his arms out to accommodate his lady love of life Simran into his huge heart filled with the beautiful lullabies of love….However cliché it may sound, the flowery images of delicate love stories that uncannily ends with a ‘happily ever after’ message made me believe that there is some Oh-so charming knight in shinning armor out there waiting to unleash the princess in me & take me to a world away from the hustle-bustle.
(That was one of my silly dreams prior to my obsession to dark arts/vampires (now that will make another post), anyhow concentrating on the present topic of living in a fairy tale….)
As I grew up in a small town, I suddenly found myself trapped amongst a herd of so-called corny romantics…with the Titanic, Romeo N Juliet…DDLJ fever still warm in the hearts of my fellow classmates…who at a tender age of 13-14 claimed to have found their soul mates...14th Feb post Dil to pagal hai movie release, was awaited by these amateur lovers with hearts & stars on their eyes…for me the day meant cribbing with my single BFFs over life being unkind to me for not granting me the elusive beauty of life=love….the Raj or the Jack who would rescue me from sinking into the sea….sigh!...n I would stuff myself with loads of ice creams & goodies, even though life was as complete as it can get without the presence of Oh my Gosh! Louuuve ....Soon, I grew out of my teens & when the oh la la! Tequila margarita replaced the innocent candy floss & ice cream: P a part of me matured into an adult who always tried to believe in living for the present to the fullest becoming some ‘hard to get’ stiletto chic chick that my profession expects me to be ….while the other part refused to grow out of my roots that still crave for those cloudy dreams in pink to come true, In the course of time I saw, I met, I thought, I re-thought…..no matter how many times my brain tried to coax my heart perpetually repeating…’jeez! Grow up...give him a chance…he “seems” to be the one”…but somewhere deep down the lyrics of my love life never seem to match to that of the music of the violins that I dreamed of being played when I fall in love…..I sometimes wonder……. I aint any princess….I aint weaving some fairy tale…I am just another girl who grew up reading loads of ‘ happily ever after’ stories….whose Mom just cant stop herself from pampering & dressing her baby girl all in pink with flowers to let her believe she is a princess  I am just an average girl whose hair always look limp … who cant stop drooling at the aroma of dark choc pastries….who laughs incessantly remembering an old joke at odd hours & odd places :D….someone who cant stop crying like a baby when things are not right..I am just another girl, who also “sometimes” (emphasis on the word-sometimes) blushes when someone is sugary sweet to her…. Should that stop me from spreading my imaginary wings & flying in the land of utopia…..??
As on today-14th feb 2010—I guess, life has been trying me, & last few months has been a constant conflict between my heart & brains… but once again it taught me many great life lessons and taught me to appreciate what is truly important and what is just fluff and frills. First time in my life rather than killing time watching chick flicks on V-day, I walked into a card store filled with red hearts roses…n a red blush on my cheek….first time I stayed awake till 12midnight to receive a call…first time I felt like a girl :P…but there were no violins playing...he is no Raj, no Jack..no Romeo….he never had the chance to save me from dragons & monsters…he is no prince with a pristine white horse..I am no beautiful princess living in a castle either…but sometimes people unnoticeably walk into your life, you communicate, you exchange thoughts & you right then realize that they were meant to be there….even though the cupid doesn’t put much effort…the magical spell is still felt…they teach you a lesson, or help you figure out who you are, your priorities in life….& how you see yourself in future….I don’t believe in fluke…everything that happens has a reason…….so for me…things may have slightly change…& for sure has made me a better person  but I am still the princess of my own fairy tale….if not the pink candy world…I am happy with the smoky hustle bustle of today’s world….life may not be a happily ever after kinda story for all, but I believe living life with no excuses & loving your prince/princess charming without regrets & conditions straight out of fancy novels can make all your coming Valentine’s days loaded with hearts & roses  n as far as my love story is concerned…who knows next year same date, my PC may grab a chance to save me from sinking into the sea after the ship crashes to prove his love (PS-he better does, cause I dunno to swim )
Happy V day all of you 

so be it !

1st jan 2010
Happy new year to me….another year just flew by, yet again leaving behind a trail of beautifully articulated moments in my life where I LOL’d, I sighed, I smiled,I shed those precious pearls…I gasped, and few that just made me wonder in awe…..After a huge gap of time, on the occasion of new year, I revert to my first love –“writing” to seek refuge from the frighteningly random thoughts that’s monopolizing my life lately & the occasional bouts of ups & downs … I wonder what do I write in this little space, There are so many words stifling in my mind that itches to come out,umpteen images in my heart waiting to be shown, so many colors urging to reach the canvas but do I have an honest listener?? Who do I address to?? What do I paint my colorless life with?? Do I have a pair of patient ears to listen to my endless yap, without judging me? Do I have the comfort of strong arms swaying me away from my creepy dark thoughts?? But Why do I care….when its totally completely, my own space…Its my life.. I deserve the right to mould it into any form I want to, since when have I become so needy to ask for someone to pull me out of the shell I have created for myself? Since when have I started living on others terms? Why do I need someone to be happy? Why do I have to hide my tears, gulping down the gush of anguish that comes up as a lump in my sore throat occasionally, without the fear of being exposed to the big bad world?....Why cant I let my hair loose & dance to the beautiful tune that the world around me is playing & just be free & happy,,,?? Why cant I go back time, when an ice-cream melted every hurdles in my simple life?? Why cant life be minus the wrath, the complicated emotions, competition, guilt, pain ………………why cant I wait for the warm rays of sun to kiss me on a wintry night of dark thoughts & furnish me with an enlightened life….They say ‘life is a sweet pain’…why cant I just gulp down the venom & laugh at the destiny that awaits me..
~Amen~

10 reasons to feel good after your break-up

1) 1) You don’t have to pinch your face to bring out that pink blush when he confesses his love to you in the most corniest way, thinking he has turn the world upside down for you, proposing in the most romantic way that the world has ever seen….(when you are just wondering—“Are these lines picked from Moulin rouge?..Or is it notebook…duh!!)

2) 2) You can just give yourself a break from listening to his perpetual brags of how he tamed a wild anaconda, how he swam through the engleesh channel…. & pretending you are with a HERO!!!!!!!....sigh…keeping the constant “awwww” expression on your face, with occasional ‘oh my God...really???...my! my!...n blah blah!...(bull shit!...the jaw badly hurts, keeping that phony expression intact)

3) 3) You don’t have to smile coyly with gratitude when he picks up the grossest gift available on planet earth which probably your irritating neighboring spinster granny would have worn it eons back & still would have counted as outdated & fugly…gross! (Worse still, when he expects you to put on the next time he sees you…spare me the horror...Jesus!)

4) 4) You don’t have to pick up a salad with low carb, low fat, and low cal dressing, when he is proudly gormandizing on French fries, burgers, & hinting at your burgeoning hips & suggesting you names of gyms, health clubs.....(i wonder we never point out their ugly blackheads on their even ugly face, their dark circles, their not-so-john Abraham kinda-body, disheveled hair …then why the hell should be a look-alike of kate Moss..I believe many would agree on this—‘a butterscotch ice-cream tastes way better than any guy’s saliva’ :P)

5) 5) You can give your deceptive tongue a rest by not giving the ‘honey!..I have a very bad headache’ excuse….or ‘I dint mean to hurt you baby…I am just cranky these days, blame my PMS not me’ & the biggest one ‘you are everything, that I had ever imagined in my dream guy, I am so lucky’ ( a few extra notes of mahatma Gandhi printed paper, a posh 4 wheeler, & regular trips to sexy night clubs wouldn’t have harmed much though)…& not to mention.. “Baby!..U r so good at it”eiwww!...

6) 6)You don’t have to tickle yourself to laugh at his fucked up jokes which sometime seems like he has forgotten the punch line….but all you can say is gosh!...u r so witty!...wink! wink!...

7) 7) You don’t have to act dumb to boost his "MALE" ego, (not my fault if I am born as a smart n sexy chick…n by the way baby, I know who the finance minister of India is, the answer of ‘x’ to the power zero, & even who wrote the book midnight’s children)

8) 8)You are freed from the oh so boring events of meeting his ass friends who just cant stop praising him like they are being paid by him on per hour basis to lie & rot in hell for committing one of those 7 deadly sins of lying incessantly…phew! but U are expected to keep nodding your head in disbelief & steal glances of pride with your lover boy ….I wonder, if he is this good, then why is he not with Katrina or kareena? why on earth is he stuck with me...

9) 9) You don’t have to burn your ears by listening to the endless sagas about his momma...his mommy is this…that…n what not…but why are we talking of ethics & culture at this context, I wonder if his mommy approves of everything he does under the sheets?? :P

1010) You can reach out for the dark chocolate pastry resting in your fridge at 3 am without raising any jerk's eyebrows.

There are 3.5 billion potential fishes out there…..all you have to do is turn, focus, bat eyelid, smile….game on! :D

(All the incidents/characters featured on this article are purely non fictional, any resemblance/similarity to any person living or dead(hopefully :D) is deliberate, without a pinch of regret, thank you n FO)

I aint a bitch, I just keep falling for dogs every now & then….

Spice less monotonous life be damned

~~~peace~~~

No “man’s” zone ;)

Some great (or may be not so great) woman once quoted—“Forget love, I'd rather fall in chocolate”…..the speculations that she attracted could have been like this—“what a typical girl”…”what a phony creature”...Common every one wants love…is it?? Isnt it?? I wonder…..we meet some one worth meeting, we get close in few meetings, those meetings turn to be an eye opener to expose almost everything about your partner, thereafter there are less meetings cause the curiosity/charm is lost…less meetings=less interaction=loosing interest that implies we start detesting each other like anything…n ultimately we turn to our first love-chocs(butterscotch milkshake for me;))..The world is filled with great many people; I have had a chance to meet a few in my 20 years of lifetime & had my share of going weak at knees, sighing,nauseating abhorring n blah! Blah!..so I hereby list a bunch of guys we get to see in our day today lives, the pros n cons of dating em..…categorically speaking...

1^st category-

The pimpled face geek-

pro- wowww…he is so smart!~~~sigh!..batting eyelashes~~..hez got a knowledge of everything/anything under the sun.

Con- ur frens say—u r seeing him?? HIM??...HIIIMMMM??...r u kidding??...

2^nd category-

The rich spoilt brat-

Pro- welcome to the hip! Chic! Life!!…more parties…more gifts...More fancy car rides to sexy restaurants…more—what not..

Con-1) one fine morning u may wake up explaining him—‘darling...its not the moolah!...i love you for what you are…n then wonder “what is he exactly?”

3^rd category-

The hot bodied model-

Pro- do I even need to fill this space? :p

Con- on your very first date you get to hear-“Ur place or mine”?? if not anybody’s then f$%k off! NEXT PLZ!...

The rock-rocker/hip-hopper/rap-rapper-

Pro- its so “IN”

Con- after listening to a poorly recorded cd when you are just tempted to pluck out your ears n kick their butts for the bad cheeky lyrics & worse dressing sense—u just say-- woah! Amaaazing man!..dude! u r the next Billy Joel!..i swear..u r gooooooooooiiinggg a longggggggg way” n so am I K(in the opp direction though)

The fitness freak -

Pro- feels good ;)

Con- the moment you are done ordering that extra portion of double toned milkshake with ice cream…n about to gormandize a HUGE chunk of extra cheese burger..u get a sweet suggestion.. ‘Honey!..There is a nice gym opening nearby, why don’t u…..?? “U think I am fat? @#$&^*&(

The old is Gold…nope diamond man!-

Pro- inheritance….money…inheritance…money…

Con—yeah…yeaah.....aaeaaaaahhh…ahhhhhhhhhh… …YEAH????...u done? so soon??

The religious guy-

Pro- your parents love him: O

Con- “the kind of ‘shraddha’ I have for you, makes me worship the divine being that thrives in you, lets get ourselves entangled in a thread of love keeping the sun…the moon as a sakshi to our expression of love & passion…eeewwww!!....marrying you??? To wear sari bindi, kangan,chuddi for the rest of my life.....naaao way…but who the f$%k is shraddha n what about sakshi?...

The dandy dud…errr…I mean dude

Pro- get discounts at salons for double booking.

Con- “Dahling!..u r such a nut…u don’t know the difference between beige & offwhite..? n puhleez move away from the mirror, its time to touch-up my hair…”

The poetry in motion-

Pro- sigh!...sooooooooooww romantic..sigh!..

Con- ‘ the aroma in the air is singing an eulogy to our love,

Beckoning us to plunge into the sea of sins

The flutter of the butterfly, the language of the dove

Will testify the Elysian love I have for you….

I jest not…you are the reverie I wake up to..the voice I slumber to…the touch I crave for….”

OH my god!.what was that???.Can I have an interpreter..a dictionary..anythin??....

the defensive guy from defense-

pro- you receive salutes from people, you are treated like a lady :D

con(s)- expectations are so high that, sometimes people forget their real worth,

no contact with the outer world,you are pushed to stay in a dark dungeon where you have to shut yourself off completely, phew!...

pseudo sense of pride--jesus!....the irony is u are not "THE" man

you have to keep your ears n what not available to them to listen to their perpetual brags about how they won a war, how ethical, cultured their family is, how great their lives are....

a good girl being a rare sight at such places, things sometimes take a very desperate & needy turn :D which is like yuck!!!.....

Well…well..well…this is it…till date…but I will leave the section open and keep updating it

I wonder, in which category do I fall in a similar kinda list made by guys :p

The forbidden fruit!...;)

The lights went dim…the whiff of freshness in the air grew stronger……umpteen violins started playing a tuneful music in the backdrop……… I gaze at my own reflection in the mirror….stark imperfections stare back at me…I smile at it….I love it…I am falling in love with myself all over again…the benighted sky up above looks beautiful to me...the gloomy clouds bring in an air of sensuality awaiting for the divine touch…the soft drizzle kisses the soil with utmost passion….the green foliage dance in joy to reciprocate the love of rain…..the enthralling touch of nature enamors me……I wonder….I introspect….I ask myself the million dollar question……..Before I could answer, the land below my feet is swept off….is it something in me that has changed my vision of life…or is it the mysterious night outside that has cast his irresistible spells on me??.....I am stupefied seeing my own instincts….I am all game to dive into the pool of passions heightened by the downpour outside….the roaring waves ahead me look splendid reflecting the enigmatic turbid sky….I wonder…are the waves crying out a loud joyous lullaby of passion..Or are they playing the sonorous drums to alert the denizens of this sinful earth to not taste the ‘forbidden fruit’….its tempting…its alluring…..its confounding…its blurring…should I??..Should I not??..Why must I...why mustn’t I?..How does it matter anyway??????.........my stark imperfection blurrrrrrrrrssssssss…………..the thunder storm outside my dark room sends a jolt of current in me…there is no point in mulling over matters that we have little control on…I see a streak of red color in my jaded life..I appease myself by repeating…rules are meant to be breached…promises are made to be broken….liaisons are built to be crushed…forbidden fruit is planted to be uprooted, tasted n relished the venom inside to touch the sinful facet of your earthly life………
I suddenly snap out of my reverie….the rain outside has stopped…the sky has turned depressingly crimson….i anticipated for that picturesque moment to come back…I hold back for 2 secs…2 secs seemed like ages,…is it the after effects of having munched the forbidden fruit…is it the venom?...how long do I have to wait…..should I? why should I?...or why should I not?..how does it matter anyway...I am a human…a sinned angel..I err…I also indulge in beautiful mistakes to treat my senses….but now the time has come…I have to repent…I have to pay for my deeds….for diving into the pool of passions & plucking out the forbidden fruit…for letting the poison of life rolling down my guileless eyes……..
~~Amen~~~

A fading dream(2)

I grope in the dark to reach for the moony visions u left in my eyes
For that lost dream, my blinding soul, bleeds & cries…
I go back to re-live all that you have ever said to me
For they keep coming back to haunt me….
I only wish you could sense the rumbling of your own heart, & embrace the fairy-tale love that’s now fallen apart…..

I never knew the vividness of our love until you walked past me to a farther land
For I believed you would come back the next day to claim my love & hold my hand…
I see you in my dreams, I hear your voice inside me, and I feel you through the air I breathe
My heart writhes in pain with no one to swathe.
I only wish you hadn’t impregnated the beautiful illusions into my mind
& had released me from the unbreakable bond of desire that has got us entwined…

I try to be a stoic, flushing out the dark image that pulls me to you, that needs your comforting touch that yearns for a pleasant musical word of love
For I am tired of being stripped off the bygone life that was deprived of the murky side of love & the grimy phase of lost love…..
I only wish I could accept the love that loves me than chasing the love that once loved…
I only wish you could read the silence on my lips & the vacant gaze on my eyes…
I only wish you could love me back &bring back those shiny illusions or make & never leave me this vulnerable…
Or bring the time to a halt to cease the pain of the tears of blood that can never be wiped…..

the moment of truth...!

My mum says, ‘life is about lending yourself, making compromises, defying & then adjusting to the situation. The sooner you accept the irony, the better you cope in the times of crisis’ .like a rebel, I always was, I kept contradicting her every time I was asked to act in a specific fashion constricting myself into the mould of societal norms. But sadly, never could I see an utter defiant, petulant & self opinionated person like me fitting into it. Partly because, way back in school, I never had the need to make myself change to be accepted, never was I expected to be politically correct to be adored, I was a rule-breaker, I was a nuisance then, slipping outa the class, roaming around the town with my shriek 2-wheeler with friends, gormandizing junk food, having brawl fights with the guys in my class ,n bullying over the less popular people was what I did the best in school but yet I was loved by many a people. Hailing from a small town , & born to a family who are as affectionate as they come, & having grown in a way...Without any restriction whatsoever …I was like a happy butterfly spreading its colors to the world, I had no clue about the satires & grieves that life thrusts on u, I usually kept myself occupied by weaving unattainable dreams in the broad daylight. Shifting & shuffling between many bizarre career options, from defense to engineering & many in between, I tried my best to be practical by deciding to pursue fashion design course in future. All I wanted was to look hep, drive a swanky convertible & brush shoulders with the la di da stars of the society. The whole of Cuttack believed that I would make it big in this field somehow. Post 12th grade, I started filling in forms to get into the premium institutes offering fashion designing…….The first jolt of disappointment was unleashed when I saw part of my 5 years old dream taking a backseat when I was rejected by the best institutes of India-NIFT & NID in the final round of the selection procedure. Through bouts of confusion, & with the encouragement from my dad ,my chemistry teacher & my drawing teacher, I finally decided to enroll myself in pearl, Chennai, I was apprehensive about the place & the fact that I was gonna be among the first batch of pearl, Chennai..This was definitely not what I had envisioned for myself. But somehow, I managed to convince myself to survive it for the next 4years. I left behind my home, my people, my language, my love, my childhood, my life…..n started my journey of pearl with huge packed bags on the day of my 18th birthday, 29th July 2006 to an unknown land of aliens, filled with people I can less relate to, to a world which looks flashy from far…. I still am trying to figure out whether it was supposed to be my best or my worst birthday ever……………On entering the premises of pearl, I was unperturbed to meet many different people from different places. I suddenly felt introvertish when I saw the people with whom I was gonna spend the next 4years of my life. I dint feel the need to socialize, I just had one thing in mind whether a stubborn person like me would survive the hostel guided by rooooolesss n regulationssss…..the way I am…I feel claustrophobic, when I am asked to do things in a manner it should be done, I might as well have turned up doing the same if I were on my own…but I don’t want people telling me, what to do & what not to..Even my parents have never bothered to do so; I am not used to being ruled by dictators. While doing the first assignment in college, on my first day in pearl, I realized the paper was wet with my tears, those two drops taught me to be stoic, taught me to wipe them away & accept the new life…..unlike earlier times, I didn’t call up my mommy to tell her how much I miss her, even when I was dead sure that she too was welling up her eyes missing me, I suppressed my craving to reach out for a pair of strong arms of any friend of mine to hug me tight…. I rather continued with my assignment…………………As days passed, I was lucky enough to be staying with my sister, rather than in a hostel, after one year of slogging day in & day out, I got to get a clear picture of what the life of a designer is…its not all that flamboyant as I had imagined. the language barrier in Chennai, where a non chennaiite is often touted as ‘hindiaa’ or ‘northie’ & sometimes treated indifferently, mocked just for the petty fact that u don’t speak their local lingo & are adamant to call the national lingo-Hindi as your own, taught me to love my country even more…I relate to hindi much more than I do to oriya…specially when people address me as a north-Indian not just an Indian, when people here prefer to cheer for Srilankan cricket team when playing against India, & when almost whole of my class was in ignorance during the period of mayhem in Mumbai attacks, but got a week off when there were chaos in Srilanka. Everything made me feel more responsible towards my country, which I will definitely work it out someday when I am in position to do something. Thanks to Pearl, Chennai.Foundation year passed through thick & thin then started the actual career route, where the rules of slogging were defined in prominent letters. Unending assignments, meeting deadlines, groupisms, less friends, no family……..2nd year brought along the air of true fashion designing. I suddenly came across a new word ‘professionalism’...Which has hell lotta deep meaning associated with…but if you stick to it, you definitely reach the peak of success in this field…I always did what I liked, designing was a passion for me, never did I feel the need to market it & sell a part of me (my idea), I couldn’t bear the thought of selling my art for money. But I had to accept the irony.2007 post august was the darkest period of my life on personal grounds, psychologically; physically & emotionally I yearned for a support to pass through this, which obviously I didn’t get….rather the ill habits that had conjured in me over time ,took a toll over my academic life or to be precise my attendance,….I was debarred temporarily….I still remember the day when I was making merry for giving a very good submission, correctly at that very moment I was summoned by the dean who broke the news……that was the first time, I was so vulnerable in front of my parents that my condition, my mistake made them cry..N for the first time I spent my new year & Christmas shut out from my school friends in utter despair…..post this phase, everything fell back to normalcy…To be honest, how much I abhor to be in this place, city, surrounding, I cant miss to acknowledge the fact that this 3yrs of my life have posed a very crucial period of my life, if I hadn’t been bitched about, hated by my colleagues for my unpredictability & sharp mood swings…I wouldn’t have ever learnt the flaws in my character traits & never realized the importance of behaving professionally. if I hadn’t been in company with superficial, ooh la la time pass friends, I would never have understood the meaning of honesty, trust that’s involved in the making of a relationship as pure as friendship, I used to take my school friends for granted, but now they are a part of me, if I hadn’t stayed away from my parents, crying all through the night craving for their hugs n kisses, I wouldn’t have learnt to stand independently & take care of myself…moreover the distance sharpened the relationship, & made me realize how lucky I am to be born to such parents who are ready to stifle their own wishes to fulfill the tiniest dream nourishing in the eyes of their selfish daughter…if I hadn’t been betrayed by the person whom I considered my God, my future, my life, I would never have become an atheist, a self dependent, more confident…& this taught me to fall in love with my own self…n made me discover that I find solace in writing, giving vent to my emotions through words became my new passion, If I hadn’t been a victim of prejudice, I would never have realized the stark difficulties of life, now I am geared to face the big bad world, If I hadn’t been discriminated on the grounds of language & place, I wouldn’t have thought of trying to become an asset to my own country…3yrs already over..just one more year to go to graduate… I don’t know what the future awaits, but I don’t want to be among the rat race, the only ambition I have as of now is to be contented n happy…I don’t want to grow old to find out that I have missed all sweet happy things of my life running after gold…My mother was always right, life is indeed about making few compromises, making you flexible n most importantly accepting both good n the bad....you can’t always wear a pair of pink tinted glass& expect the world to walk according to your terms. Now when I see myself on the mirror, I see a new, improved, matured Ipsita…who no longer wells up her eyes for petty reasons, no longer expects unexpected things, who loves her people to the core…values relationships, people, & tries to be at least a good human being, if not an ideal one….. its like opening your eyes after a spicy dream that has few a smiles n few tears….this is life…a cuddly dream or a nightmare…you are a part of it…you have to live it with a smile, that’s the best you can o for your own goodwill.

the "In" factor

The perfect 10 body, flawless complexion, shining mane glory topped with the graceful moves that can make any guy skip a beat....yeah! Yeah!! They got all! From name, fame, physical appearance (psst-they are also fortunate enough to be wrapped in arms of guys we can only gawk at)...admit it!..every morning when we stare at our mirrors scrutinizing our flaky skin, unmanageable hair, extra bulge...we wish to wake up, the next day, as one of those beautiful models/celebs who adorn the front pages of every fashion magazine, & manage to slip into the size that we could only dream of, by crowing about things that forces our lips to mutter a ‘sigh’. Moreover, it elevates our agony when we hear their statements of maintaining that look ,confessing to be big time foodies......Right- we all want to personify the oh so “in” anorexic size zero kate moss image. kareena is the latest addition to the size 0 rage which is catching up very fast in India along with the other western countries. i, myself being a girl, feel guilty every time I put anything in my mouth, be it healthy, unhealthy whatsoever. You feel like a thief, if you treat your tongue in public. you ll be disillusioned with people from left & right, east & west staring at you with eyes showing....’jeez-have-a-look-at-your-burgeoning-hips-before-gorging-on-that-pc-of-cake’ look. Well to be honest, this is one of the reasons why I avoid eating at junk joints; i prefer packing them up for home ;).Imagine, having a burger in public, u need to open your jaws like a huge heavy dinosaur to have a portion of it. There is nothing more embarrassing than this. lol. the clothing brands are doing their very best by pilling up plus sized garments on the racks of every good retail shop, but only a handful of people manage to get in there, because they are displayed on a completely different section of the store with huge..yeah large posters of plus sized women pasted confidently on the walls of the store, that scares off many women of that size, to go in there, so, they prefer, shopping in the normal section which have got normal & plus sizes in the same section.
There was a time when curves were the most prized physical attributes that one could ever have. The voluptuous curvy bod depicted in the Indian sculptures & mythology was the true representation of feminine beauty, whereas petite was taken to be a result of malnutrition. But now, the mantra is .’xxxs size rocks’!!!...my take on this current trend is, that one should keep the near to perfect image to models, comon!! they have 100s of people around them every second to take care of their bod, skin, nutrition, garments & what not, an average person like you & me dont have that kind of time, money & energy to spend on doing those, then why do we have to expect the results so extreme as that. Trust me on this, they are painted with loads of imported make-up, concealers to screen their zits, to look on tv,mag as they do. Even they complain of acne & dark circles. we shouldn’t constrict ourselves to that glossy illusion, rather we should focus on the positive factors in us. yep!!! thats what I tell myself everytime I catch my lips salivating at the smell of a freshly made double choco chip cookie, & eyes staring blatantly at the oh-so hot model adorning the poster displayed at the showroom next to the cookie shop. Well, again, I should believe that, models should look like models, a mom should look like a mom ,a corporate female should look like one, , while a fashion designer can look like anything she wants to ;-)

yeah!! yeah!!.....woteva!

I had dreamed of becoming the Alice of Alice in wonderland fame, when I could barely pronounce the name right, but unfortunately that didn’t happen, because by the time I grew up, my priorities had changed, & now I prefer a pair of fangs dripped in blood over daisies adorning my hair.
I had dreamed of belonging to the league of the ‘oh-my my’ beauties with low cerebral matter after bagging few names in local lil miss contests, but again that wasn’t my piece of cake cause, to replace my full fat double toned butterscotch milkshake topped with double scoop ice-cream with a cluster of fancy green grasses (read salad) was totally out of question. So my delusion of romancing hot bodied guys, throughout my youth & later aging with a rich NRI…& the coveted career of air kisses vanished into thin air.
The beginning of my actual academic life imbibed in me the dream of hanging a stethoscope around my neck; little did I know that I would grow up to get just pass marks in biology, & nauseate at the sight of blood & moreover the movie ‘anatomy’ didn’t motivate me much to pursue the medical career.
My combative nature had induced many people to advice me to become a lawyer, but heylooo!!...to earn a handful of bills at the cost of becoming the centre of all demeaning, degraded jokes was too much to ask for.
I had envisioned myself voicing for the leading dance-gana type actors of bollywood. Damn! The producers of Indian idol saw more potential than me in an effeminate nasal singer (if yelling-“tadap tadap ke” counts as singing) who not only gave visual pleasure by dancing in florescent green tee with red pants but also was plucky enough to merge his amazing yelling talents with mimicry of artists who you wont recognize unless named. My bad, was no good at anything other than matching octaves…so this dream got squished...
Finally in time I realized I could articulate lies, fabricate stories, & probably can bitch my way up to paparazzi….so fashion designing seemed to be a promising career. Although I am pursuing the same, still dwelling on the fear of dying a spinster if I continue this career meant for not-so-straight guys.....
Well…well…as of now…I have whims to grow up as an authoress/columnist/novelist….& this entire piece is a living example of how close I am to my destination..Amen!! :p :D