Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Mind trip

Not even in my wildest dream had I ever thought I would be seeking solace in the tiny space of my blog from the maddening crowd of thoughts frightening the daylights out of me.....Never thought I would reach out for my laptop and frantically start sketching out my mind when my heart bleeds to talk...talk the mind & soul out to some unbiased pair of ears...At the time, when the feeble walls of my misty dreams are collapsing, all I can do is pen out like no one's reading or maybe the entire world is ears to patiently decode my silent tears.....I gulp down the bile coming up my throat,stifling to evade this chaotic commotion of my mind....Bewildered...Provoked...dragged into a smoky haven..forced to wear a plastic smile, when all I want to do is shout..cry out loud...ITS MY LIFE!!...let me be ME!!...Good bad...Ugly..I love it..Its amazing to play myself...i beseech the almighty to let me live in my Illusion....Let me enjoy the dark smoke that will gulp me down someday...Let me be the writer...the writer of my own fate..

Sunday, March 21, 2010

All Pink'd up :)

Throughout my teens I mooned over the Shakespearean saga of eternal love, the tuneful melody of violins playing in a far fetched land & the rosy images of mills & boon…I sigh every time Raj (of DDLJ fame) stretches his arms out to accommodate his lady love of life Simran into his huge heart filled with the beautiful lullabies of love….However cliché it may sound, the flowery images of delicate love stories that uncannily ends with a ‘happily ever after’ message made me believe that there is some Oh-so charming knight in shinning armor out there waiting to unleash the princess in me & take me to a world away from the hustle-bustle.
(That was one of my silly dreams prior to my obsession to dark arts/vampires (now that will make another post), anyhow concentrating on the present topic of living in a fairy tale….)
As I grew up in a small town, I suddenly found myself trapped amongst a herd of so-called corny romantics…with the Titanic, Romeo N Juliet…DDLJ fever still warm in the hearts of my fellow classmates…who at a tender age of 13-14 claimed to have found their soul mates...14th Feb post Dil to pagal hai movie release, was awaited by these amateur lovers with hearts & stars on their eyes…for me the day meant cribbing with my single BFFs over life being unkind to me for not granting me the elusive beauty of life=love….the Raj or the Jack who would rescue me from sinking into the sea….sigh!...n I would stuff myself with loads of ice creams & goodies, even though life was as complete as it can get without the presence of Oh my Gosh! Louuuve ....Soon, I grew out of my teens & when the oh la la! Tequila margarita replaced the innocent candy floss & ice cream: P a part of me matured into an adult who always tried to believe in living for the present to the fullest becoming some ‘hard to get’ stiletto chic chick that my profession expects me to be ….while the other part refused to grow out of my roots that still crave for those cloudy dreams in pink to come true, In the course of time I saw, I met, I thought, I re-thought…..no matter how many times my brain tried to coax my heart perpetually repeating…’jeez! Grow up...give him a chance…he “seems” to be the one”…but somewhere deep down the lyrics of my love life never seem to match to that of the music of the violins that I dreamed of being played when I fall in love…..I sometimes wonder……. I aint any princess….I aint weaving some fairy tale…I am just another girl who grew up reading loads of ‘ happily ever after’ stories….whose Mom just cant stop herself from pampering & dressing her baby girl all in pink with flowers to let her believe she is a princess  I am just an average girl whose hair always look limp … who cant stop drooling at the aroma of dark choc pastries….who laughs incessantly remembering an old joke at odd hours & odd places :D….someone who cant stop crying like a baby when things are not right..I am just another girl, who also “sometimes” (emphasis on the word-sometimes) blushes when someone is sugary sweet to her…. Should that stop me from spreading my imaginary wings & flying in the land of utopia…..??
As on today-14th feb 2010—I guess, life has been trying me, & last few months has been a constant conflict between my heart & brains… but once again it taught me many great life lessons and taught me to appreciate what is truly important and what is just fluff and frills. First time in my life rather than killing time watching chick flicks on V-day, I walked into a card store filled with red hearts roses…n a red blush on my cheek….first time I stayed awake till 12midnight to receive a call…first time I felt like a girl :P…but there were no violins playing...he is no Raj, no Jack..no Romeo….he never had the chance to save me from dragons & monsters…he is no prince with a pristine white horse..I am no beautiful princess living in a castle either…but sometimes people unnoticeably walk into your life, you communicate, you exchange thoughts & you right then realize that they were meant to be there….even though the cupid doesn’t put much effort…the magical spell is still felt…they teach you a lesson, or help you figure out who you are, your priorities in life….& how you see yourself in future….I don’t believe in fluke…everything that happens has a reason…….so for me…things may have slightly change…& for sure has made me a better person  but I am still the princess of my own fairy tale….if not the pink candy world…I am happy with the smoky hustle bustle of today’s world….life may not be a happily ever after kinda story for all, but I believe living life with no excuses & loving your prince/princess charming without regrets & conditions straight out of fancy novels can make all your coming Valentine’s days loaded with hearts & roses  n as far as my love story is concerned…who knows next year same date, my PC may grab a chance to save me from sinking into the sea after the ship crashes to prove his love (PS-he better does, cause I dunno to swim )
Happy V day all of you 

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

so be it !

1st jan 2010
Happy new year to me….another year just flew by, yet again leaving behind a trail of beautifully articulated moments in my life where I LOL’d, I sighed, I smiled,I shed those precious pearls…I gasped, and few that just made me wonder in awe…..After a huge gap of time, on the occasion of new year, I revert to my first love –“writing” to seek refuge from the frighteningly random thoughts that’s monopolizing my life lately & the occasional bouts of ups & downs … I wonder what do I write in this little space, There are so many words stifling in my mind that itches to come out,umpteen images in my heart waiting to be shown, so many colors urging to reach the canvas but do I have an honest listener?? Who do I address to?? What do I paint my colorless life with?? Do I have a pair of patient ears to listen to my endless yap, without judging me? Do I have the comfort of strong arms swaying me away from my creepy dark thoughts?? But Why do I care….when its totally completely, my own space…Its my life.. I deserve the right to mould it into any form I want to, since when have I become so needy to ask for someone to pull me out of the shell I have created for myself? Since when have I started living on others terms? Why do I need someone to be happy? Why do I have to hide my tears, gulping down the gush of anguish that comes up as a lump in my sore throat occasionally, without the fear of being exposed to the big bad world?....Why cant I let my hair loose & dance to the beautiful tune that the world around me is playing & just be free & happy,,,?? Why cant I go back time, when an ice-cream melted every hurdles in my simple life?? Why cant life be minus the wrath, the complicated emotions, competition, guilt, pain ………………why cant I wait for the warm rays of sun to kiss me on a wintry night of dark thoughts & furnish me with an enlightened life….They say ‘life is a sweet pain’…why cant I just gulp down the venom & laugh at the destiny that awaits me..