unplugged!!!....

My mom often quotes-- life is incomplete without tears…then why is it difficult for me to accept life the way it shows…why do I keep chasing my worldly dreams that provides a pseudo momentary pleasure…why cant I just let it go..n do whatever i really want to without being judged. why cant I let my heart cry without bothering about what impression I am gonna put on others if I do so…why do I keep staring blankly searching for something that I am not familiar with… …I claim myself to be a no nonsense kind of person…then why do I want to liberate myself of these bondages & follow my heart…? I am not depressed….but why am I so lost…..what do I long for every time I shed tears over petty issues without ever realizing what am I really crying for… to be honest these questions have seriously muddled my life…& one thing that keeps bugging my life is that how do we judge people…as an individual..i think I am really good at it..in in fact I am very fast at predicting a person’s instinct as on what his next step gonna be..coz I am quite an observer I guess..but to be honest is it correct to judge a person from his gestures,..,talks or previous deeds or conducts??? Shakespeare once said ‘nothing is good or bad, only thinking makes it so….” Why can’t we follow this…? why do we tend to be harsh on people who have a bruised past..is it their fault ?? cant we just put blame on the situation that went wrong?? But who are we to decide whats wrong n what is right…infact..to put it this way..is there any adjudicator or judge who can filter n split our conduct/deeds into good & bad…personally I don’t believe in any kind of idol worship..i don’t visit any temple..i never join hands or vow my head in front of an idol…for me my God is my conscience..he is someone who I can relate & communicate with…he is no alien to me.,.hez a part of me…but the point is we are human beings no superpower we possess..why have we turned so mechanical…on a personal scale why cant I relish my butterscotch ice-cream without thinking about calories…why cant I kiss my loved ones without bothering about the crowd around me ….why am I preferred speaking sweet pleasant white lies over stark unpleasant true facts…why do I have to respect n socialize people who literally wish 2 stab my back…why am I presumed as being rude & unruly when I am a private person & wish 2 keep my emotions to myself…why am I judged by my appearances..why cant someone fall for me respecting my thoughts rather than craving to get lucky with me…why cant I be taken as something more than a pretty commodity… on retrospect why did I take up consuming alcohol, when I had sworn by my dad not to…he has been the 1 & only person in this planet who understands me to the core…& an epitome of courage & patience….has been an ideal to me very supportive & will always be…why cant I be an ideal daughter 2 such an ideal father….why was I not there with my best friend who loves me like anything without expecting anything from me in return, when he needed me the most…during a trial period of his life…he is always there for me whatsoever…but why cant I be a good friend to a wonderful person who I can say have understood the real meaning of life in a very young age…why did I betray the trust of someone who trusted me to the core…why did I act in such a self-centered way…why do I lose temper & put up really senseless acts when my chemistry teacher who happens to be the only teacher in my career who I really look up to….n a well-wisher of mine that he .is always with me till date to guide & advice me…a wonderful but bit sensitive human….in spite of acknowledging these points…why did I behaved in such a childish manner the other day when he said something he had the right to….why do I hurt my only sis by undermining her & pinpointing her weak points…who kisses me goodnight when I miss my mom…..gets really petrified when I am down with fever or something…& had sobbed a lot when I had to leave home for academic purpose….
what happened to the promises that I made long back to myself ….why have I become so unstable & disconnected from my loved ones
intentionally & unintentionally my acts have hurt lot of people who are acquainted to me…the only dilemma that I face is I really cant express the amount of love & respect I have for them…who do I blame..the situations that intrigued me to mask my emotions…or the mechanical life that has turned me into a plastic doll…i am tired of being a fake…these unanswered questions have taken a toll over my life…life interrogates me…but i have no answer…I would let my tears communicate for me…as they say- tears are words the heart cant express”