Sunday, October 5, 2008

a walk with solitude



Desolated….wistful….lost in an individualistic cloud of thoughts sewn together by the nostalgic past….. As I struggle hard to keep my tears from rolling down, a beep in my cell phone diverted me, the msg sender accused me for being way too occupied with the “rocking” life I was leading, as a novice designer, & not keeping in touch with old friends….I couldn’t think of a suitable reply to satiate him, so I dint bother to punch in the reply option…By that time, the train that leads to my house was pulling in. I stumbled through the platform to catch a seat; it wasn’t very crowded, since it was a late evening on a weekend. I settled myself on a window seat…the deafening noises of my thoughts were subduing the whispers that sounded like some alien language spoken by the people around….
As I was moving, the images of my last trip to my hometown, which I had some couple of weeks back, started floating in my mind…..
The scorching summer…was cowed by the soft drizzle, welcoming the grand arrival of the monsoon that was shrouded by the striking clouds & green foliage-yep the elusive month of June...woah!!!I had been waiting for this particular day for ages; finally I found myself back into my mother’s lap...my home town after a longggggg semester of blood & toil... Nothing can beat the fun that comes packed with summer vacation. I strutted through the railway station with a bag full of random plans & ‘to do’ list to keep me happily occupied throughout my stay. As I stepped into the streets where I had grown up… I saw myself as a kid hopping around, cycling; gormandizing guilt free junk food in the places that mark my childhood….I felt a strange tingling in my heart…I wished to do all of those again with my school friends to reminisce the past…same street...familiar place...most importantly I could hear the language which I had grown up speaking, all around me. Everything was exactly the same as it was a few years back when I had to leave this place…
I got back home & frantically started phoning everyone & anyone I could remember...to tell you, I was all the more excited because, my work involves me to slog 24X7 with very less holidays, but in summer they are generous enough to grant 2months off. My happiness knew no bounds when I met my closest friends, all I could think of at that particular moment, that nothing has changed at all , only to realize the next moment that I, had been blinded by a pair of colored shades that saw what I wanted to & refused to notice the life that’s actually on a gray scale…..the subjects of talks & activities which once loomed around corny satirical jokes, our own take on crappy movies, mockery on fellow classmates & teachers, penning thesis on the disadvantages of our educational system, gorging on street food like gluttons, throwing guffaws of laughter for no reason was now replaced by praises of prospective gf’s & bfs, college-adult one liners, course studies, future plans, sophisticated cuisines, & mechanical smiles..….my so called 3AM friend’s phones were either busy or on a no answer mode round the clock, wooing sessions & extra classes, additional courses dominates a students vacation.…I felt.. 2years can be long enough for a person to change but short enough for others to get accustomed to the changes they notice in their loved ones, It all about career & future..Not even one has a single second to spare & smell the aroma of blooming flowers around. Every one yearns to be in the race of time & hardship & come out as a sole winner. Settling for something mediocre is all the more offensive than losing…may be I envision happiness from a different perspective, that’s actually a mirage, which seems real from far…& shatters when I try touching it…I am always accused of being a person who hardly emotes her emotions verbally…I couldn’t never tell either of my friends what I have in mind..rather I expect them to decipher it for me…but guess…our wavelengths had distanced too much to even receive a faint signal….
I may not be very professional in my work to turn out to be the brightest & the richest star in the fashion field…I may not be a player to have numerous hunks swooning around me charmed by my beauty….I may not have the heart of gold & transparent soul…I may not be an seraph who is oh so perfect…honestly speaking..It’s all because I don’t intend to be any of these…I chase neither luxury nor virtue...I chase my unblemished emotions, which is sometimes squished by my people who are dimmed into the pseudo pleasures offered by the world today, & the same who were once the treasurers of my life…
2months flew, attending family functions & participating in movie marathons..& of course fretting incessantly for not doing any productive work…in no time I got back to my glitzy life…I should be happy...Not many persons get to live their dreams..I am doing what I wanted….I am pretty ok at my work...I have colleagues who teach me every single moment, to be a b**** to excel in this field… I learn to live while being hated by many…I have a few great ‘men’ in my life… I have a promising career ahead, touch wood! …rocking life??...yeah…superficiality coated with syrup, topped with diplomacy, lies & prejudice in a sweet way of course….if this is how you define…yeah absolutely!..I have a rocking life…but the only thing is too much of sugar makes me nauseated….
I suddenly notice that I was about to reach my station…..I walked out of the train into a pool of unfamiliar gazes…
I don’t believe in the existence of God…I don’t believe in miracles…or destiny…but I do wish to believe that my past days will come back & beckon me to live them all over again………

2 comments:

Abhi...The Insatiable... said...

Post is Ok
but Beta try using a better font...
Uff...u strained my eyes

Jay said...

Beautiful one....its true that u ve changed and the time arround you have moved fast, but i m pretty sure u are introspecting your life amidst all this busy schedules of yours.....good work and i wish u all the best in the fashion world.....