yeah!! yeah!!.....woteva!

I had dreamed of becoming the Alice of Alice in wonderland fame, when I could barely pronounce the name right, but unfortunately that didn’t happen, because by the time I grew up, my priorities had changed, & now I prefer a pair of fangs dripped in blood over daisies adorning my hair.
I had dreamed of belonging to the league of the ‘oh-my my’ beauties with low cerebral matter after bagging few names in local lil miss contests, but again that wasn’t my piece of cake cause, to replace my full fat double toned butterscotch milkshake topped with double scoop ice-cream with a cluster of fancy green grasses (read salad) was totally out of question. So my delusion of romancing hot bodied guys, throughout my youth & later aging with a rich NRI…& the coveted career of air kisses vanished into thin air.
The beginning of my actual academic life imbibed in me the dream of hanging a stethoscope around my neck; little did I know that I would grow up to get just pass marks in biology, & nauseate at the sight of blood & moreover the movie ‘anatomy’ didn’t motivate me much to pursue the medical career.
My combative nature had induced many people to advice me to become a lawyer, but heylooo!!...to earn a handful of bills at the cost of becoming the centre of all demeaning, degraded jokes was too much to ask for.
I had envisioned myself voicing for the leading dance-gana type actors of bollywood. Damn! The producers of Indian idol saw more potential than me in an effeminate nasal singer (if yelling-“tadap tadap ke” counts as singing) who not only gave visual pleasure by dancing in florescent green tee with red pants but also was plucky enough to merge his amazing yelling talents with mimicry of artists who you wont recognize unless named. My bad, was no good at anything other than matching octaves…so this dream got squished...
Finally in time I realized I could articulate lies, fabricate stories, & probably can bitch my way up to paparazzi….so fashion designing seemed to be a promising career. Although I am pursuing the same, still dwelling on the fear of dying a spinster if I continue this career meant for not-so-straight guys.....
Well…well…as of now…I have whims to grow up as an authoress/columnist/novelist….& this entire piece is a living example of how close I am to my destination..Amen!! :p :D

a fading dream

Deep down my heart, amidst the sublime beauty of my glossy oneirism,
There was one name; there was one word of bliss looming around my lips
Without any second thought, I plunged into a well of prism
That then brightened the untouched parts of my soul….
Little did I know about love, uncertain I was about our future…
I was with you; & was naïve, not to realize that every piece of happiness comes with a toll

I was susceptible…I was hooked…I was in love with the love that grew with your plasticine language of eternal liaison…but how did I overleap the icy gaze behind your sugary words?

Deep down my heart, amidst the cacophony of our silences
I wished to believe, that the distance will bridge & the insecurities will dissolve to claim the love that once was illustrious
In no time, the deceptive mirror split to pieces
That hurts till date
Little did I know to emote my emotions…unsure whether to take the first step
I yearned to catch a glimpse of the pink life, but couldn’t charge at anything other than my egotistic fate

Neither of us initiated the first step to redeem the sanctity of our relationship, I appeased my vulnerable soul to get over the past delusion & move on to a new light…but How am I to entomb
Those clandestine moments of love…those whispers of commitment?

Deep down my wrecked heart, amidst the perils of lost love
I tried to close my eyes to the flying images of our first kiss… your touch, the melody of your melancholy voice …
I tried to search for the music in my life, the words in my books, the light in my eyes, the soul in my body & you in my love
I was no more as myself, the dainty bud matured to a stoical effigy
Learned to smile behind the dark cries, learned to lead a life with superficial pleasures

I will live on… refusing to fall in love again, defying the world to prove my feelings for you…
There e can be no one but you…I will wait till eternity fades....I will love you till I live to be me….

a walk with solitude

Desolated….wistful….lost in an individualistic cloud of thoughts sewn together by the nostalgic past….. As I struggle hard to keep my tears from rolling down, a beep in my cell phone diverted me, the msg sender accused me for being way too occupied with the “rocking” life I was leading, as a novice designer, & not keeping in touch with old friends….I couldn’t think of a suitable reply to satiate him, so I dint bother to punch in the reply option…By that time, the train that leads to my house was pulling in. I stumbled through the platform to catch a seat; it wasn’t very crowded, since it was a late evening on a weekend. I settled myself on a window seat…the deafening noises of my thoughts were subduing the whispers that sounded like some alien language spoken by the people around….
As I was moving, the images of my last trip to my hometown, which I had some couple of weeks back, started floating in my mind…..
The scorching summer…was cowed by the soft drizzle, welcoming the grand arrival of the monsoon that was shrouded by the striking clouds & green foliage-yep the elusive month of June...woah!!!I had been waiting for this particular day for ages; finally I found myself back into my mother’s lap...my home town after a longggggg semester of blood & toil... Nothing can beat the fun that comes packed with summer vacation. I strutted through the railway station with a bag full of random plans & ‘to do’ list to keep me happily occupied throughout my stay. As I stepped into the streets where I had grown up… I saw myself as a kid hopping around, cycling; gormandizing guilt free junk food in the places that mark my childhood….I felt a strange tingling in my heart…I wished to do all of those again with my school friends to reminisce the past…same street...familiar place...most importantly I could hear the language which I had grown up speaking, all around me. Everything was exactly the same as it was a few years back when I had to leave this place…
I got back home & frantically started phoning everyone & anyone I could remember...to tell you, I was all the more excited because, my work involves me to slog 24X7 with very less holidays, but in summer they are generous enough to grant 2months off. My happiness knew no bounds when I met my closest friends, all I could think of at that particular moment, that nothing has changed at all , only to realize the next moment that I, had been blinded by a pair of colored shades that saw what I wanted to & refused to notice the life that’s actually on a gray scale…..the subjects of talks & activities which once loomed around corny satirical jokes, our own take on crappy movies, mockery on fellow classmates & teachers, penning thesis on the disadvantages of our educational system, gorging on street food like gluttons, throwing guffaws of laughter for no reason was now replaced by praises of prospective gf’s & bfs, college-adult one liners, course studies, future plans, sophisticated cuisines, & mechanical smiles..….my so called 3AM friend’s phones were either busy or on a no answer mode round the clock, wooing sessions & extra classes, additional courses dominates a students vacation.…I felt.. 2years can be long enough for a person to change but short enough for others to get accustomed to the changes they notice in their loved ones, It all about career & future..Not even one has a single second to spare & smell the aroma of blooming flowers around. Every one yearns to be in the race of time & hardship & come out as a sole winner. Settling for something mediocre is all the more offensive than losing…may be I envision happiness from a different perspective, that’s actually a mirage, which seems real from far…& shatters when I try touching it…I am always accused of being a person who hardly emotes her emotions verbally…I couldn’t never tell either of my friends what I have in mind..rather I expect them to decipher it for me…but guess…our wavelengths had distanced too much to even receive a faint signal….
I may not be very professional in my work to turn out to be the brightest & the richest star in the fashion field…I may not be a player to have numerous hunks swooning around me charmed by my beauty….I may not have the heart of gold & transparent soul…I may not be an seraph who is oh so perfect…honestly speaking..It’s all because I don’t intend to be any of these…I chase neither luxury nor virtue...I chase my unblemished emotions, which is sometimes squished by my people who are dimmed into the pseudo pleasures offered by the world today, & the same who were once the treasurers of my life…
2months flew, attending family functions & participating in movie marathons..& of course fretting incessantly for not doing any productive work…in no time I got back to my glitzy life…I should be happy...Not many persons get to live their dreams..I am doing what I wanted….I am pretty ok at my work...I have colleagues who teach me every single moment, to be a b**** to excel in this field… I learn to live while being hated by many…I have a few great ‘men’ in my life… I have a promising career ahead, touch wood! …rocking life??...yeah…superficiality coated with syrup, topped with diplomacy, lies & prejudice in a sweet way of course….if this is how you define…yeah absolutely!..I have a rocking life…but the only thing is too much of sugar makes me nauseated….
I suddenly notice that I was about to reach my station…..I walked out of the train into a pool of unfamiliar gazes…
I don’t believe in the existence of God…I don’t believe in miracles…or destiny…but I do wish to believe that my past days will come back & beckon me to live them all over again………

Being an Indian...

15th august,
Another day under the shadows of the independent India has dawned on us....the sun shone brighter than the usual, today, to anticipate the feelings of patriotism & freedom.
Independence...freedom...doing what your heart says, without being imposed by others, being accepted & accepting the way things are....breathing in the whiff of happiness & self gratification...wait! Hold on for a sec!! Happiness?? Contentment?? Don’t these words sound unfamiliar to your ears? What do you think are we really liberated???
Every person has a different meaning that tags along this day, for some its just another national holiday meant for the politicians to take the age old vows they had been taking since last 61years, for some, its a day off to catch up with a movie or friends, while for school kids its presumed to be a fun day loaded with lots of events, shows & singing the national anthem with full on energy. I do miss being part of the hyperactive bunch drooling over the ladoos meant to be distributed after the function gets over. But unfortunately the period has passed, & it’s high time for me to have come out of the shield where Independence Day meant nothing more that howling patriotic phrases, tossing flowers, & nibbling on coveted ladoos.
I am always accused of being cynical by nature; I always crib about the not-so-bright aspects of being in India, & I sometimes even feel, I would have been better off, if I was brought up on a foreign land with a silver spoon. I hereby confess that the luxurious-high tech life, with ‘devil may care’ attitude of the people in west attracts me in great deal.
But today, Its independence day, tune into any channel, you will be greeted by our musical maestros, political cavaliers, & the golden pillars of our country speaking ,singing & uttering the magical words eulogizing the glories achieved by our country.
but since I am out from the days of roaring feverish jingoistic words, I thought of going deep into myself to answer the above question from my perception- that are we really liberated n contented being an Indian in the throttled up jet age...???
I took a stroll down the street, to find the kids running around sporting tricolor paper flags....kids....with immaculate emotions do their level best to mark this special day unaware of its deep rooted purpose of celebrating the day, by having fun, getting a day off from school, & spilling out their frisky instincts on every thing around them...n most importantly they are celebrating their freedom from homework, irk some lectures, & schools....if not for every day, but yes they seem happy & liberated today..
On moving a little further, as every body seemed to be in real hurry to reach don’t know where. The traffic comes to an abrupt end when the signal turns green. A woman rushes to a nearby car holding dozens of paper tricolor flags...faces rejection at first...but an Innova owner gets out of his car, approaches the lady to spend few coins to provoke a sweet smile on her lips...that gesture dint really improved her lifestyle...but did buy her a moment of happiness....
i wonder......
So diverse are our dreams......our mindset, our dilemmas & glories,...how unlike each one is from the other....six decades back, we were fledging republic struggling with our newly attained identity of a free & independent nation. the entire nation shook with the rampage initiated by our own people, to throw away the foreign ruler, & pledged to get their ashes buried in an independent India...one dream, one destination, a single vision with uncountable eyes .....today, the word skeptics say that the word “we” is replaced by “I”...n we are far from the ideal sketch of India conceived by our great leaders of the past...I agree to this to some extent, but not entirely....I mean, what is expected of us,??? to change the entire nation & transform it completely into some idealistic country with little flaws, by swaying a magic wand?? But what’s again “ideal” defined as??? To be an active competitor in the rat race of escalating to the apex of technological, nuclear

advancement.....somewhat like the US?? Or to make it a nation of uniform wealth with no mayhem whatsoever?? sounds like a delusion to me...I completely agree, today’s youth have somewhat gone astray, with their stereotypical lives, aping & doing things robotically without any passion...but think the other way round, we might not have reached remotely nearer to that dream which shone in the eyes of our past leaders, we may not have one destination, we may not be doing any solemn good to our country....but we have kept ourselves entrenched to the primeval land of India, we shed tears & held each other & resurrected our lives after being attacked sporadically by terror groups, we roared in ultimate bliss by creating history in the first ever twenty-20 world cup series, we see the faces of our own sons in Dhoni, Yuvraj & others..we couldnt bat an eyelid, when Abhinab Bindra kissed the gold & saluted our tricolor flag .....our heart wrenched when our own bollywood diva- shilpa shetty was a victim of racism, & cheered when she walked through it all, & created a new name for herself & her country on a global arena....we are the only country who boasts of an array of filmstars who can not only make the tough stone to break into tears..but can mesmerize every foreigner by the ethereal beauty & masala entertainment, if not the creator of microsoft, we house tata, birlas ,mallaya & ambanis who are not very far from being at the top most level ever reached by anyone. We are in a regular spree of producing geniuses from IITs & IIMs...we are the proud bunch to claim the eternal love exhibited by the erudite architects who built the Taj Mahal, to have the nightingale in the form of lata mangeshkar, to boast of ethereal beauties like meena kumaris & aishwaryas.....to have an eclectic range of tastes served on our dining tables with vigor, we are perhaps the only one to prefer our mom’s made dal-roti over pizzas & noodles, to make hullabaloo spiced with dance & music for umpteen days during festivals, weddings, engagements & what not...to cry & laugh together as a family over the dinner table....the only one to drool over blonde babes & brawny hunks...but favor to settle with salwar-kameez, sari clad ladies & specy dal-chawal consuming gentlemen....to address every person from rickshaw puller to vegetable seller as chacha, dada..etc.....to burst into moans & cries when shahrukh or Amitabh faces any unexpected catastrophe on screen, but we drink our tears of blood when encountered a similar situation in real life...we are Indians, we are sensitive, we break down very easily but the next moment we muster enough strength to turn the tables & fight back, we exhibit extreme emotions, we belong to the families of brave blood which created an uproar decades back...we have kept the diverse flavor intact....if not the best...we have the dream to be better than the rest...& have the devotion to be up there...we are, I am, proud to be born as Indian...n yes!!! I am happy, proud...& if not completely liberated...I celebrate the bundle of joys hidden behind my dependence over certain things that sum up to make be independent...to make my country independent...

aN oXyMoRoN...!!!!!!!

Sometimes, a minute seems like an hour.... as everybody around my vicinity elopes into a deep slumber, I count the number of times the pendulum of my wall clock moved to & fro, 234...35...36...37... I stop the count for a moment to switch the mushy music playing on the background to a mushier one...As I lay on my back gazing at the ceiling, I wish the white to be of midnight blue color & be placed high above, adorning itself with millions of twinkling diamonds... I break into a smile anticipating the quixotic lyrics of the song playing... one part of me desires to get lost feeling each of it, while the other struggling to make me grasp the fact that dreams are made of emaciated glass,....
...I get off the bed to catch a glimpse of me on the mirror, I see stark imperfections staring back at me...I wish to be turned into an immaculately beautiful Cinderella by the touch of a magic wand...but why do I have to value vanity over my beautiful imperfections?
I flip through a magazine to pass the muted & dawdling time.... I only wish I could be what I wished to become...wishing to land up in an arena where wishes are nurtured... but alas! I didn’t realize that there exist uncountable heads but less actual living beings....
The night’s so still that I could actually hear the rhythmic beat of my heart....I get into a deep pensive mood when my mind tries to wander through the less conquered spots of my soul..i wish I could travel time back & withdraw some of the harsh words uttered by my ruthless tongue, & get back the unsullied emotions some had for me...but how can I ever appreciate love in my life, if I dont face hate & rejection??....when one part of me yearns to break the shackles of the life, fly all over with a pair of golden wings & breathe in the aroma of solitude & freedom in a grand way...while the other wishes to revisit, the lap of my childhood, where a single moment of joy was multiplied by dancing like no one’s watching you, a drop of tear flown from the innocent eyes was wiped down by three strong pair of hands, where real freedom was screened by the dependence on people who personified selfless love, when relationships were simpler & easier to maintain.......& to relive the moments of endless & thoughtless yapping sessions, guilt free ice-cream binge, jumping over puddles in the rain, bickering over petty issues then forgetting all of it the next moment, forgetting pain by a simple hug, beautifying the Barbie doll, without giving any significance to your own appearances...
The world’s moving slow today... the clock strikes 2...& no sign of sleep on my eyes...I peered through the window, to throw a gaze into the night sky, & lend my ears to the eerie silence lurking outside my window......as one part of me presumes the darkness outside to be an indication of the arrival of solitary days that will sweep the distant dream away from my feet...while the other part appeases, while taking it to be the time before the verve gushes in to my soul in the form of sunbeams.....

***BeEp!!! bEeP!!!****

Could there be any more irritating phrase than the most used “what’s up”? I agree it can be a handy cue to initiate a conversation, but trust me, no matter, how much ever happening a person’s life is, his response would never ever change from a cold monosyllabic reply with a wry smile, I mean what does the asker expect, other than this, You cant blurt out in response to ‘sup’ that your college life is sucking all your leisure time, ur having a rough time with your time-pass friends, u dumped your partner cause you realized soon that he/she was a bloody moron & so on...all you can say is ‘sigh! nothing much, lifez on’ & put him on the same place by asking him back ‘what is up with him’ & be prepared to hear the same reply ...this way the vicious cycle continues....
talking of the new emerging virtual life, When my inbox is generally filled with irrelevant job opportunities, lame discounts & shopping offers, my orkut scrapbook gets flooded with ‘sssup’ msgs in no time. Since at times I, login more than once in a day,i find the same insomniac guys (whose residential address could have been better if changed to google-orkut,) who I would have talked to,a few hours back, will scrap me the million dollar question ‘what’s up’ all over again. During those times, i wonder, what could have possibly happened in a couple of hours for me to narrate them all , I should better revert trailing my neighboring aunt who not only finds 24 hrs a day short to speak about the world but, rather is humble enough to be sharing juicy details about the colony peepz ongoing affairs,spicy inside stories, her ‘secret’ recipes, & ofcourse the wellbeongs of tulsis,parvatis & komalikas of her theaterical life revolving around these characters,with the vegetable/fruit/junk sellers. I prefer not to dwell on it for others good...apart from this conversation initiator, theres this F-word which is the new anthem for the gen-x, these days, i hardly find anyone with a formal brit lingo, as they say, a booze session cant be complete without following it with some heavy moves amongst other drunkards, & a pizza cant be tastier without putting in a dollop of fats, it seems a sentence cant be complete without using the ‘f-word’ more than twice or thrice. There exist people who have little grammar sense, using expletives articulately without making much sense out of it. It’s the word that makes them feel trendy & give them a pride of belonging to the ‘in’ peer group. i still don’t get it how does one feel like an American from using the word which means copulation in every f#$%ing sentence, & by addressing people irrespective of gender as ‘man’, this term gets into my nerves, I am a woman for Christ’s sake! Some dork fans of rappers even go to the extent of calling men- dawg!! another most annoying thing is, the use of the word ‘sexy’ which is used not only to describe the image of poverty stricken, plagued by mal nutrition female bodies with tons of grease paint, but also to inanimate objects like glitzy cell phones, swanky cars & what not. The world’s getting smaller, so people are limiting their vocabulary it seems. anyway, no hard feelings to any connoisseur of this ‘in’ hip-hop lingo, but the last thing i would like to dub is that a crow can never be metamorphosed into a beautiful pearly white swan irrespective of the amount of talcum powder he uses..:D.errrrr....ummmm,,,.it would be better on my behalf to shut the f&$k up before, the ‘dawgs’ get offended, & spurt ‘f$%k u”s straight on my face by showing their middle fingers...

ThE rEfLeCtIoN!!!...........

I walk into myself, to feel the withering of the psyche
I gaze into my own reflection that seems disparate...
The reverie appears to have faded, which is no rife
And the clouds unmoved, beckon my soul to migrate....

I walk into myself, reckoning the broken mirror
I gather the shattered pieces....
But the vague pieces pierce through the lifeless skin making a furor
The cry went unheard; the cacophony was confined to the pieces....

The call of dusk seeps in...I gulp the tears of blood
I give myself up....
I linger for a faint beam to see my own conduit of life...
I implore for a change in the current weather of dryness after the long night of darkness....

I walk into myself, with a whiff of life, with a new hope, with dried tears & cold smile...
I strive to touch the beaming rays of vigor...
But my quavering hands didn’t reach the lighted pile
I grasp the stoic truth, with its rigor

The call of dawn seeps in, there is light in & out...
I yearn to give myself...
I linger to merge the new delusion into my life... all in vain
I see & hear an unsullied day...but incapable of feeling it...
I walk into myself, to find myself walking the walk in solitude deprived of life...
~~~IPSITA~~~~

tHe FoRgOtTeN..!!!

A dull day at the college, few moments spent in unhealthy arguments, few words shared that would have been better left untold, made me long to evade this ghastly world which refuses to go according to the terms of humanity....I dint want to go back to my so called ‘home’, decided to take a stroll into my soul, where am I heading? ....after a few seconds of disquieting thoughts of the previous few days happenings... that was playing in my mind, I manage to get a window seat in the bus, trying to overcome
the distress of being under the sun throughout the afternoon in Chennai in the month of May. Looking out the window, a billboard caught my attention...it claimed the product on display was for the rebellious “gen-X” n the same addressed our realm as “Youngistaan”... it made me wonder, how do they/we define this very term ‘gen-x’, in this ultra low-waist jeans & undergarment peeping generation, which direction are we exactly going? Taking a path that surrounds one own self from all sides?? No matter how bad it was...I am at least contended that I got to learn one huge thing from the experience of my professional career...yep! Selfcenter=hatred=jealousy=sadistic attitude=loosing everything to score marks= “being professional” In a phony attempt to be “professional”, we are walking....infact walked past the line of humanity, there’s no love or compassion, there are false resolutions that are made to be broken, there is hardly any friendship left, there are colleagues for whom we have to put stress on our facial muscles to forcibly initiate a smile, there’s no time in this world to enjoy a cuppa cappuccino by oneself & introspect, there’s enough time to build air castles & elope with a delusion of being superior from others...there is no occasion to enjoy the first rain, there is no patience to sit & get delight from the sea waves...but we have all time to a grab a drink or light a cigar & shake a leg amidst all drunkards....we have come ahead of time, all we need is to be “THE BEST” anything mediocre is worse than losing. We don’t really care to be what we want to rather; we wish to pull the leg of the person into drain, who dares not to follow the herd. According to our preamble we have ‘freedom of speech’ but dare you speak something that’s true (but eclipsed), you will be outcaste in no time. in order to be tagged professional u have sing in praises of your teachers, or better still if you can manage to nod at every stupid pupil’s lame statements who are ideal students because they manage to spend enough time & energy in buttering the teachers. We celebrate virtual freedom, & live lives in a glass house, where we can only see the outer beauty can never hear or reach for it, ....this is gen-x where there’s only one prominent word in the vocab i.e. “I” not “we”....we will be successful in future, if not happy....although i have been accused of being an “unprofessional” a term that i never really understood before, I derive a strange pleasure from breaking petty rules, following my heart even though its wrong from someone else’s eyes & being myself...even if that sometimes results in being thrown out of the crowd.
Gosh!!. There is a little drizzle outside...this is a rare sight in Chennai, the climate’s changing here...suddenly i feel a sense of bliss within myself...the memories washes away with the rain...as small drops of water tries to get through the window to get me drenched...I foresee a change...I see a good purpose for everything that happens....bliss persists...even though it demands an extra step to bring in that lighted side screened behind the dark clouds

buzzzzzzzz......

I step out of my dean’s cabin, with a “rakhi sawant lost the dance show” look on my face, cursing the $&%^&^ computer guy, who by now was celebrating his victory of confiscating yet another of those irresponsible student's life (yeah! u r right..the cellfone) for just forgeting it to tune into silent mode...

Time seemed to run in reverse, i felt like a child whose favorite candy was snatched by some green eyed ogre..,,the beautiful images of emergency situational talks like “ what should i wear for party”...”sssssssssup” “honey, u r chooo chweeeet” “hehehhehehhe” “u know, they are going around” talks flashed my mind...n how can i miss those striking moments, when my lil devil came to my rescue to avoid an idiotic conversation or an awkward situation,for instance say if you are stuck in a place filled with people straight from fashion street Paris-Milan, dressed in ill fitted kurta & unkempt hair, with slippers on...how do you think you can ever escape those “eeeeks! is that an ugly martian???” looks from the people around.....or may be you are stuck in the local streets of cheee-nai wearing a trendy miniskirt & tank top, standing in between hundreds of eye popping white lungi, kancheepuram gold stud peeepal...how would you ignore those “ aiiiyooo” looks from the peepz....yeah! u got it right!! here comes the dude! the player!..our very own besto friend cellphone to rescue, pretend to text, pretend to talk to shahrukh khan & get away with any situation, however bad it may seem to you

how can i miss out this...the “miss call” funda, call it the easy way to save your balance, or the sweet way to let someone know that you “miss” him, its the best thing of owning a cell phone i feel, oh! i so very miss giving miss calls...

Gosh!! 2days of my life without talking my talk, & facing the blatantly embarrassing, awkward situations directly on my face...? save me!!

as i was walking back home..i wondered..how was i surviving three years down without the mean machine, there is something at a time we arent even that well aware of its existence, then suddenly outa nowhere u are introduced to a new gadget, u love it, pet it, n without realising u are so addicted to it that u cant imagine your very existence on this planet without it, u feel incomplete without it.....& you....(ringing sound)...jeez when am I gettin mine back??...look at this people cant even keep themselves away from their mobiles, while crossing the roads..!! bloody cell-addicts...

~~IPSITA ~~~

MuTeD

Still wondering...what’s wrong with me ??is the world pacing up, or am I walking slowly?

I remember walking on the street by myself in the evening. The crowd around me was in sheer hurry to reach itz destination, cars honking, buses over crowded, peddlers waiting for the signal to turn green so that they can rush into their homes where their loved ones shall be waiting for their arrival. It was probably one of those moments when my mind turns mute, stops responding, the sounds of the techno nature fills in my ears....i was totally lost in the crowd around me...like a carcass body, i was unable to see, feel, hear anything..except for the noises around... i have taken this road umpteenth times before but still it looks different today....i walked in, the road looked familiar to me.... similar to the road which I used to take few years back...miles away from the place I am in currently....the same road which was taken by my school vanl, where I spent uncountable moments yapping about nothing at all...mocking people who barely have anything to do with my life....laughing insanely without any reason...

It suddenly reminded me of my kindergarten days...when all 4 of us from my family would start an expedition in full spree to absolutely nowhere,laughing, talking over the small sibling fights...

ummm.... anyhow...life's completely different now.... I have to complete my assignment as fast as i can...i remember asking for a black sheet of paper..not again!! Black! Again some Goth topic...do i really like gothic stuff?? Guess not...well anyhow 2yrz down the lane, i was a pink freak

.then a pasta packet...I never liked them before...but yeah..my taste has changed over a period of time....I will manage it for tomorrow’s dinner......but yeah..forgot..i have classes till late, so wont be in a condition to cook my dinner. So ready to eat would work...

Life seems so slow when things don’t happen the way u had expected...the road which i could have walked with my loved ones is walked by me in solitude, maybe i was too busy looking high up into the sky to relish the sight of beautiful birds flying to celebrate their freedom...or was looking down kicking the small pebbles lying on the road, that made me miss the moments that could have only felt in normal view line...

on my way back, i saw the 4 yr old daughter of my house maid, a familiar face..i passed a smile, that provoked an innocent smile on her lips....

I walked back home, waiting for a beaming face to open the door for me...

Just realized that...what it might seem to you might not be how it is in reality....

i hastily searched for my keys...opened the door, switched on the lights, pondering over the submission that’s due next Saturday. i had waited for an entire week to get an offday today.. Cant wait for tomorrow to move in to the place where i don’t belong...where i am nothing more than ‘Ipsi’...where i pass fake smiles to all, have forgotten how it looks when one smiles with the heart....but this is where i always wanted to be...this is what i have chosen for myself....the world's on mute...n is definitely acting deaf ears to all my queries....one more day of my life has come to an end......& i recall nothing but the naive smile of that baby girl....

life is beautiful...but unfortunately...i have never been a good admirer of beauty..

~~~~IPSITA~~~

fRoM mY eYeS..!!

The fragments of my illusionary life are wrecks sublime....

Yearning to be discovered until I plunge into the layers of bliss,

I see, I hear, I feel a bewitched elevation that leads me to a world...so unknown

With conviction in heart, desires in eyes...I walked the walk...talked the talk...n headed towards a nameless destination...

Reality unfolds...I break out of my illusion

I open my eyes...I envisage the trail so uncertain...yet promising....

The journey begins with the dawn that assures verve of innocence...

Longing to be screened by the eternal love of his blood...

I see, I hear, I feel the whiff of purity that emerges from the glistening gaze of the fresh bud

That promises a life that matches my imagination

The inquisitiveness seeps in to the life of the budding bud...

& sink in to a world where incongruity rules and reason fades into oblivion

i see, i hear, i feel...the beauty reaching its peak,

The blooming flower assures to paint the days ahead with the colors of passion

Wishing to conquer the world with the power of beauty...

& quenching the unbearable urge to give vent to my expectation..

I see, I feel, I hear...the emotions guiding the unruly heart beat...

Love is in the air, i am afraid that this ecstatic start can abruptly end without any revelation...

The best phase of this journey.

.wishing to get lost in the aura of compassion..

But the reality seizes by the throat..

The lines that one articulates are the only culmination...

The fragments of my illusionary life are wrecks sublime...

Yearning to be shrouded until I plunge into the layers of empathy

I see, I hear, I feel the dark dots merged with the emotions so immaculate...

The innocence is lost in the world of shadowy musings

Blinded by the unfounded inferences borne out of the fallacies....

Turning into a zombie, a puppet of shadowy flesh, coveting for a life in compensation

I see, I hear, I feel, with the tears flowing thru the veins of my lifeless carcass body...

I gape at the sordid cesspool, feeling the dreams as I introspect....

Coveting to move on & on & on screening my exasperation

The journey that displayed an array of vibrant colors

That taught me to walk with adulation

The expedition of knowledge, faith, emotions... starts to dawdle

I see, I hear, I feel the contention in the brooding eyes...living in a neutral state of being..

Desiring to float in the air with the conscience that had guided throughout....

The dusk nears down...ready to close the eyes & merge in the white world that awaits....

The journey doesn’t end here...

i see, i hear, i feel...a life ahead of life located in the ecstatic land of utopia..

~~~IPSITA~~

tHe SiLeNt NoIsE...!!

Woken up by the eerie night...

She stood still to glance at her own reflection

She sees the fear, the unfamiliarity, the unquenchable thirst, yet she stays out of sight

She undoes her mask, lingering for the revelation

A voice, so mellow, hums the hymns of her life...the silent noise.

A voice, so thunderous, guides her to her soul....the silent noise.

A voice, so lucid, illustrates a new her................the silent noise.

She hears those voices...

Wondering...r these real??

She hears those noises...

marveling..how should she feel??

a voice that guides her....the silent noise

a voice that keeps her company in her solitude...the silent noise

a voice that grasps her when she falls...the silent noise

It’s her soul speaking...

Urging her to fling the bellowing past...

its her inner desire murmuring...

Dieing to scroll out a reason to smile at the appalling past

a voice that enlightens the murky path...the silent noise

a voice that tries to kill the swarming pest of sorrows that drapes her life....the silent noise

a voice that introduces her to her own reflection....the silent noise!!...

~~~IPSITA~~~

LiFe--4m My eYeS...!!!

The waves singing the lullaby of nature...breaking the deafening silence by hitting themselves aesthetically to the huge rocks that is adorned by the crawling crabs, some moving restlessly while others basking under the evening rays of the crimson colored sun...the chirruping of the flying birds doubling the beauty of the evening sky that seems to have merged with the sea far away.... Beaches have always been an attraction for me since i was a kid, overlooking the fact that as a kid I used to have nightmares of drowning in an ocean.but honestly..They just take me away from myself; I just love to feel the cool breeze flowing me & the melancholy voice of the waves hitting the shore...sometimes the ambiance becomes so still that one can actually hear the sound of his own breath...i have this habit of getting lost in my own web of thoughts when I am on a beach, so today rather than spending time with myself & ending up with tears at the end, I decided to kill time by watching people...totally relaxing it is... the lovely sight of kids hoping around...lovers whispering sweet nothings onto each other’s ears, families relaxing & clicking each others pics, aged people- some lost in their own mysterious worlds while some engaging all their senses into discussions on topics that no one but them would enjoy to indulge in...Group of ladies tattling & enjoying their hearty meal of junk food, fitness freaks jogging around...the balloon walas trying their level best too woo kids to persuade their momma’s to buy them some lovely balloons from them...the vendors publicizing n fighting with others to prove that no 1 sells better panipuris, sundel, candy floss in town than them...less fortunate people begging around withstanding the straight faced people that includes most of the above mentioned...

there was something that kept me glued to the place...there was a kid around 7 who belonged to one of the balloon walas...he was begging &crying, although i couldn’t understand his language but from his gestures I could make out that he was trying to say that he was awfully hungry. One of us handed him over a packet of brown bread...he was soooo very elated...i seriously cant describe those shining eyes filled with happiness...he then straight went running to his mother to show her what he got for himself....n she equally anticipated in her son's happiness ....

on the opposite road there was a veryyy cute baby must be something around 5..a French, accompanied by his mum...dressed in lovely clothes...he was running all over carrying a round blue balloon with his mum chasing him...seemed to be a perfect lovely image.... This made me wonder:...how diverse each of one us is from the other...why do we have to do things that we do...why cant we have it the way we expected to have happened...if

dreams are to be broken...then whatz the point in dreaming...there are so many hindrances that block our paths & prevent us to reach our destination...

I never intended to land up in a field where one is expected to sell his own ideas, creations that I would rather prefer to keep it to myself...how can one think of earning money from things that you enjoy doing in life, by displaying them & giving others the right to judge them,, n showcasing your personal creation over someone who is not you....how can one turn into a plastic puppet so as to get a momentary pleasure by achieving some materialistic luxury...why are we expected to keep running when we are totally aware that, while we are busy chasing worldly pleasres we might overlook the small joys that once used to liven up our souls n minds......

I thought over it;which made me realise that there are certain common reasons associated with everything done by an individual....there are things that we have to do..inspite of not really wanting them to...all I can do is to accept life as it shows with a smile..coz u never know...what you goin to see the next day....

Well my mini vacation to pondycherry came to an end...it was time to return back, sleep,..& get up early the next morning so as to catch the first bus to Chennai....


~~~IPSITA~~~~

mE aGaInSt....!!!

Lost I am in the shadows of my past,

Yearning to screen myself from me

The apparition crawled over me leaving me all aghast

Wishing to evade myself from me

My times of yore haunt me

Longing to depart my soul from me

I screech & scream!!!......

Coveting to speak my heart...but whom do I share my vicious past with...???

without squishing my blood’s panoramas about me....??

Lost I am amidst the confounded crowd....

They scorn at my weary soul

The elves of this world accuse me aloud

They despise me & seldom let me touch my goal

The dreams that adorned my eyes shattered

Leaving my dark deceased soul all withered

I cry & yell......

Longing to share my grieves...But whom do I talk to???...for mates don’t trust after being exposed to my naked soul...

Lost I am in the meadows of abhorrence

Longing for that hallucinatory life

The loving remembrance is a past & so is my reverence waiting for the love to conceal the memories of my dark life

My murky life had a new vision to aggravate my state

The love disowned me after trifling with my soul...

I shriek & rebel.....

Wishing to be loved in spite of my gloomy doom...whom do I ask 4....knowing that the love is not mine to command....

Lost I am in this new transformed world

Tired of being a puppet of shadowy flesh

Like a wingless butterfly forced to place exactly into the new mould

i wish to liberate from the bondage mesh

i am confined to a glass dungeon for my dark past

I see all, without feeling anything, desiring to inhale some air at last....

I fight & demand....

Craving to b free...begging to get back my life...waiting for a miracle to take place..But whom do I ask to????? I have woken up to my solitude...

Have lost all faith..have noone 2 answer the questions....for an atheist never believes in miracles....so there I am all again lost

Lost in the dying world...

Yearning to be lost....

Away from me.....

~~~Ipsita~~

tHe HuMmInG wInD....!!!!!!!!

The humming wind promised me a striking dream
The smile assured me the life I desired
The voice kept me in full beam...
The illusion perfected the world I treasured...



The humming wind promised me a transformed life
The melody made me lost in ecstasy
The words that were uttered were no rife
The life ahead looked quite easy


The humming wind promised me an eternal liaison
The gaze of honesty dissolved my worries
The breath of freshness gave me utter elation
The strong hold of love transformed me into a garden of roses


I was lost in me....the blissful life was a step away.......I was ready to shut my eyes to feel the new life...
But nature had a different game plan...
I hold my breath...I hide behind my soul as reality unfolds...
Oh! Almighty divine being...i have been deceived...lost all faith in myself..my dreams...& everything that keeps me ticking....

I woke up to my own shadow, wishing to be lost in the mirage of my life....
A world that is anonymous to me...
I woke up to a dying life that can never thrive...
An unpleasant reality that was never in favor of me
I woke up to a sordid verve.....
A smile lied to me
The eyes deceived me...
The melody slaughtered my soul...
I woke up to all my woes....


But why do I still long for that illusion..the life,,,the beauty I cherished...
Why do I still believe in that lost love....the warmth of affection that was never mine??
Why do I still trust in....
the humming wind that promised me a striking dream??

nEw-"U"

1/1/2008
Yippee...!!! Its new year again...loads of fun...Frolic...party...& eclectic food to celebrate the year so as to give a blissful start to the year ahead....Happy New Year to all of those reading this piece...
Unlike other days, I marked the day by roaming around aimlessly as well as on a bingeing spree with my family....that was fun except for the fact that I am so stuffed as of now...that I have no option but stick to this lappy....so I thought of penning down something that was ticking the back of my mind since the time I came home for my winter break...I was wondering, whether the world where I was born & brought up at changed all of a sudden within a span of a year...or is it me who’s imagining things....
While conversing with a very dearest friend of mine I was put in a really awkward situation when she said something that really baffled me because I had never expected her to say something like that.... on asking how she spent her vacation..in no time she replied—“ it was seeccksyy” ahem!!ahem!!! She took a long journey to be at her friend’s place, who stays with her dad, who’s mostly busy going for tours & attending meetings
...& they spent the days watching porn flicks which they got it for rentals from a nearby shop & relishing rums & beers & went for guy-watch & paid daily salon visits
...she had her share of fun when her parents were contended thinking that their child is busy preparing for her coming sems at the hostel...
.well to give a brief character sketch about her as she was when I had last seen her i.e. a year back
—I would say every person would have come across such a girl in their lifetime for sure...a person who has never really stepped outside the world of integration-differentiations, molecules- atoms, dynamics..etc etc..who treats her parents like someone who has just descended from heaven...who would never hang out at some zing-zang restaurant with all of us & whose idea of entertainment would be to visit some temple..advice people( specially to those who would never pay heed to any of her words no mater what) narrate each & every titsy bitsy details about how her day went & all....salwar-kameez clad never stepped into salon kinda look...a female chauvinist who was ready to pounce on any guy who makes a pass on us...& an avid believer of satyavadi harish chandra..thinks telling white lies would drag her straight to the doorway of hell
I am in short of words to describe her.. Someone who‘s from the black & white doordarshan zamana....
Well this was “XYZ” (name withheld) a year back...& present day she is---umm I am speechless...

I truly am in for of the article that came in times this Sunday which was titled as “bad is the new good” which listed the kinda changes that the youngsters are undergoing in themselves as well as on the surroundings to achieve what they want to...& become a free bird...they no longer have to be the slaves of society..age old adages which bound them to the customs & beliefs which they wanna run away from, to stay in a world that’s their own...From a school going child to an aged being everyone’s tied to the decrees of the so called world where we live in...Now the gen-x is coming outa the barriers & has defined
a new lifestyle that is written in accordance to their own terms which means liberating & doing what they want to...not what they are expected to..

Citing another example—“ABC”( name again withheld)(hint—my beshtest friend he is) a studious, ill fitting formal shirt guy who was always treated like a non-sexual entity (no offence intended), had no guy pals of his, was the victim of all nasty nuisances that were created by the classmates of his, a typical simpleton who would easily break into tears for some reason or the other....a mamma’s boy who would go out every evening sitting in between both his parents on the scooter driven by his dad (was quite a scene, I must say), was always laughed & mocked at..but truly an honest friend to be with..that was him a year back....knock!! knock!! Present day— I would like to start by eluding a conversation that he was having with a really arrghhh behenji kinda girl...she says “oh my!! Tum to mere peeche hi pad gaye”..then comes his answer in a melodramatic way “ itni sundar ladki ke peeche kaun nahin padega”.....eeekkksssss....yuck!! I have never heard anything more cheesy n crappy than this dialogue...anyhow, today, clad in denim boleros, straight fit trousers sleek glares, sexy wrist watch, he moves in swiftly with his spoilt idiotic guy friends(followers to be frank...so they could incorporate some of his stupid moves in their lifestyle),, he claims himself to have become quite a ladies man, & have started calling me babe (I wish they had emoticons here...i would have inserted the angry one), he has graduated himself to call himself a MAN (spoilt brat) who flirts in & out with every second girl...makes sure to hit the gym regularly, has made beer his best friend & tries to put in every fashion elements in his wardrobe....
As the times paper say, that today’s youngsters have no compunctions to openly emulate!
There’s a freedom in being labeled bad that good gals & guys never get to taste. Shah Rukh Khan’s “yenna rascala” in OSO has a strange liberating quality that appeal. If you are good, people around have expectations of you.in trying to live up to these as well as your own self image as a good person, you operate under immense pressure all the time. But once you are labeled as a “rascala” you are a free bird..no one excepts anything from you & you live your life on your own terms...on a serious note, today we have come a long way, & there is no such thing as good or bad..being true to yourself is the operative phrase.not loyalty to others. what maters is how we perceive your lives, its important for us to be aware of your deep instincts & desires as well as be loved by all/most inspite of their foibles, ones ought to have a courage to stand up & face the mirror...
Well, today I feel sooooo relieved...all those guilt of my past petty misdemeanors vanished all of a sudden...i could feel the soft pleasant breeze...since it’s the beginning of yet another wonderful year...we learnt a new defining relationship between good & bad. A fine balancing act that tips the favor towards good at some point while towards the bad the other, depending upon the circumstances. For this is how the new man is...no angel..no demon...just plain HUMAN........