Mind trip

Not even in my wildest dream had I ever thought I would be seeking solace in the tiny space of my blog from the maddening crowd of thoughts frightening the daylights out of me.....Never thought I would reach out for my laptop and frantically start sketching out my mind when my heart bleeds to talk...talk the mind & soul out to some unbiased pair of ears...At the time, when the feeble walls of my misty dreams are collapsing, all I can do is pen out like no one's reading or maybe the entire world is ears to patiently decode my silent tears.....I gulp down the bile coming up my throat,stifling to evade this chaotic commotion of my mind....Bewildered...Provoked...dragged into a smoky haven..forced to wear a plastic smile, when all I want to do is shout..cry out loud...ITS MY LIFE!!...let me be ME!!...Good bad...Ugly..I love it..Its amazing to play myself...i beseech the almighty to let me live in my Illusion....Let me enjoy the dark smoke that will gulp me down someday...Let me be the writer...the writer of my own fate..
Amen!

All Pink'd up :)

14.02.2010
Throughout my teens I mooned over the Shakespearean saga of eternal love, the tuneful melody of violins playing in a far fetched land & the rosy images of mills & boon…I sigh every time Raj (of DDLJ fame) stretches his arms out to accommodate his lady love of life Simran into his huge heart filled with the beautiful lullabies of love….However cliché it may sound, the flowery images of delicate love stories that uncannily ends with a ‘happily ever after’ message made me believe that there is some Oh-so charming knight in shinning armor out there waiting to unleash the princess in me & take me to a world away from the hustle-bustle.
(That was one of my silly dreams prior to my obsession to dark arts/vampires (now that will make another post), anyhow concentrating on the present topic of living in a fairy tale….)
As I grew up in a small town, I suddenly found myself trapped amongst a herd of so-called corny romantics…with the Titanic, Romeo N Juliet…DDLJ fever still warm in the hearts of my fellow classmates…who at a tender age of 13-14 claimed to have found their soul mates...14th Feb post Dil to pagal hai movie release, was awaited by these amateur lovers with hearts & stars on their eyes…for me the day meant cribbing with my single BFFs over life being unkind to me for not granting me the elusive beauty of life=love….the Raj or the Jack who would rescue me from sinking into the sea….sigh!...n I would stuff myself with loads of ice creams & goodies, even though life was as complete as it can get without the presence of Oh my Gosh! Louuuve ....Soon, I grew out of my teens & when the oh la la! Tequila margarita replaced the innocent candy floss & ice cream: P a part of me matured into an adult who always tried to believe in living for the present to the fullest becoming some ‘hard to get’ stiletto chic chick that my profession expects me to be ….while the other part refused to grow out of my roots that still crave for those cloudy dreams in pink to come true, In the course of time I saw, I met, I thought, I re-thought…..no matter how many times my brain tried to coax my heart perpetually repeating…’jeez! Grow up...give him a chance…he “seems” to be the one”…but somewhere deep down the lyrics of my love life never seem to match to that of the music of the violins that I dreamed of being played when I fall in love…..I sometimes wonder……. I aint any princess….I aint weaving some fairy tale…I am just another girl who grew up reading loads of ‘ happily ever after’ stories….whose Mom just cant stop herself from pampering & dressing her baby girl all in pink with flowers to let her believe she is a princess  I am just an average girl whose hair always look limp … who cant stop drooling at the aroma of dark choc pastries….who laughs incessantly remembering an old joke at odd hours & odd places :D….someone who cant stop crying like a baby when things are not right..I am just another girl, who also “sometimes” (emphasis on the word-sometimes) blushes when someone is sugary sweet to her…. Should that stop me from spreading my imaginary wings & flying in the land of utopia…..??
As on today-14th feb 2010—I guess, life has been trying me, & last few months has been a constant conflict between my heart & brains… but once again it taught me many great life lessons and taught me to appreciate what is truly important and what is just fluff and frills. First time in my life rather than killing time watching chick flicks on V-day, I walked into a card store filled with red hearts roses…n a red blush on my cheek….first time I stayed awake till 12midnight to receive a call…first time I felt like a girl :P…but there were no violins playing...he is no Raj, no Jack..no Romeo….he never had the chance to save me from dragons & monsters…he is no prince with a pristine white horse..I am no beautiful princess living in a castle either…but sometimes people unnoticeably walk into your life, you communicate, you exchange thoughts & you right then realize that they were meant to be there….even though the cupid doesn’t put much effort…the magical spell is still felt…they teach you a lesson, or help you figure out who you are, your priorities in life….& how you see yourself in future….I don’t believe in fluke…everything that happens has a reason…….so for me…things may have slightly change…& for sure has made me a better person  but I am still the princess of my own fairy tale….if not the pink candy world…I am happy with the smoky hustle bustle of today’s world….life may not be a happily ever after kinda story for all, but I believe living life with no excuses & loving your prince/princess charming without regrets & conditions straight out of fancy novels can make all your coming Valentine’s days loaded with hearts & roses  n as far as my love story is concerned…who knows next year same date, my PC may grab a chance to save me from sinking into the sea after the ship crashes to prove his love (PS-he better does, cause I dunno to swim )
Happy V day all of you 

so be it !

1st jan 2010
Happy new year to me….another year just flew by, yet again leaving behind a trail of beautifully articulated moments in my life where I LOL’d, I sighed, I smiled,I shed those precious pearls…I gasped, and few that just made me wonder in awe…..After a huge gap of time, on the occasion of new year, I revert to my first love –“writing” to seek refuge from the frighteningly random thoughts that’s monopolizing my life lately & the occasional bouts of ups & downs … I wonder what do I write in this little space, There are so many words stifling in my mind that itches to come out,umpteen images in my heart waiting to be shown, so many colors urging to reach the canvas but do I have an honest listener?? Who do I address to?? What do I paint my colorless life with?? Do I have a pair of patient ears to listen to my endless yap, without judging me? Do I have the comfort of strong arms swaying me away from my creepy dark thoughts?? But Why do I care….when its totally completely, my own space…Its my life.. I deserve the right to mould it into any form I want to, since when have I become so needy to ask for someone to pull me out of the shell I have created for myself? Since when have I started living on others terms? Why do I need someone to be happy? Why do I have to hide my tears, gulping down the gush of anguish that comes up as a lump in my sore throat occasionally, without the fear of being exposed to the big bad world?....Why cant I let my hair loose & dance to the beautiful tune that the world around me is playing & just be free & happy,,,?? Why cant I go back time, when an ice-cream melted every hurdles in my simple life?? Why cant life be minus the wrath, the complicated emotions, competition, guilt, pain ………………why cant I wait for the warm rays of sun to kiss me on a wintry night of dark thoughts & furnish me with an enlightened life….They say ‘life is a sweet pain’…why cant I just gulp down the venom & laugh at the destiny that awaits me..
~Amen~

10 reasons to feel good after your break-up

1) 1) You don’t have to pinch your face to bring out that pink blush when he confesses his love to you in the most corniest way, thinking he has turn the world upside down for you, proposing in the most romantic way that the world has ever seen….(when you are just wondering—“Are these lines picked from Moulin rouge?..Or is it notebook…duh!!)

2) 2) You can just give yourself a break from listening to his perpetual brags of how he tamed a wild anaconda, how he swam through the engleesh channel…. & pretending you are with a HERO!!!!!!!....sigh…keeping the constant “awwww” expression on your face, with occasional ‘oh my God...really???...my! my!...n blah blah!...(bull shit!...the jaw badly hurts, keeping that phony expression intact)

3) 3) You don’t have to smile coyly with gratitude when he picks up the grossest gift available on planet earth which probably your irritating neighboring spinster granny would have worn it eons back & still would have counted as outdated & fugly…gross! (Worse still, when he expects you to put on the next time he sees you…spare me the horror...Jesus!)

4) 4) You don’t have to pick up a salad with low carb, low fat, and low cal dressing, when he is proudly gormandizing on French fries, burgers, & hinting at your burgeoning hips & suggesting you names of gyms, health clubs.....(i wonder we never point out their ugly blackheads on their even ugly face, their dark circles, their not-so-john Abraham kinda-body, disheveled hair …then why the hell should be a look-alike of kate Moss..I believe many would agree on this—‘a butterscotch ice-cream tastes way better than any guy’s saliva’ :P)

5) 5) You can give your deceptive tongue a rest by not giving the ‘honey!..I have a very bad headache’ excuse….or ‘I dint mean to hurt you baby…I am just cranky these days, blame my PMS not me’ & the biggest one ‘you are everything, that I had ever imagined in my dream guy, I am so lucky’ ( a few extra notes of mahatma Gandhi printed paper, a posh 4 wheeler, & regular trips to sexy night clubs wouldn’t have harmed much though)…& not to mention.. “Baby!..U r so good at it”eiwww!...

6) 6)You don’t have to tickle yourself to laugh at his fucked up jokes which sometime seems like he has forgotten the punch line….but all you can say is gosh!...u r so witty!...wink! wink!...

7) 7) You don’t have to act dumb to boost his "MALE" ego, (not my fault if I am born as a smart n sexy chick…n by the way baby, I know who the finance minister of India is, the answer of ‘x’ to the power zero, & even who wrote the book midnight’s children)

8) 8)You are freed from the oh so boring events of meeting his ass friends who just cant stop praising him like they are being paid by him on per hour basis to lie & rot in hell for committing one of those 7 deadly sins of lying incessantly…phew! but U are expected to keep nodding your head in disbelief & steal glances of pride with your lover boy ….I wonder, if he is this good, then why is he not with Katrina or kareena? why on earth is he stuck with me...

9) 9) You don’t have to burn your ears by listening to the endless sagas about his momma...his mommy is this…that…n what not…but why are we talking of ethics & culture at this context, I wonder if his mommy approves of everything he does under the sheets?? :P

1010) You can reach out for the dark chocolate pastry resting in your fridge at 3 am without raising any jerk's eyebrows.

There are 3.5 billion potential fishes out there…..all you have to do is turn, focus, bat eyelid, smile….game on! :D

(All the incidents/characters featured on this article are purely non fictional, any resemblance/similarity to any person living or dead(hopefully :D) is deliberate, without a pinch of regret, thank you n FO)

I aint a bitch, I just keep falling for dogs every now & then….

Spice less monotonous life be damned

~~~peace~~~

No “man’s” zone ;)

Some great (or may be not so great) woman once quoted—“Forget love, I'd rather fall in chocolate”…..the speculations that she attracted could have been like this—“what a typical girl”…”what a phony creature”...Common every one wants love…is it?? Isnt it?? I wonder…..we meet some one worth meeting, we get close in few meetings, those meetings turn to be an eye opener to expose almost everything about your partner, thereafter there are less meetings cause the curiosity/charm is lost…less meetings=less interaction=loosing interest that implies we start detesting each other like anything…n ultimately we turn to our first love-chocs(butterscotch milkshake for me;))..The world is filled with great many people; I have had a chance to meet a few in my 20 years of lifetime & had my share of going weak at knees, sighing,nauseating abhorring n blah! Blah!..so I hereby list a bunch of guys we get to see in our day today lives, the pros n cons of dating em..…categorically speaking...

1^st category-

The pimpled face geek-

pro- wowww…he is so smart!~~~sigh!..batting eyelashes~~..hez got a knowledge of everything/anything under the sun.

Con- ur frens say—u r seeing him?? HIM??...HIIIMMMM??...r u kidding??...

2^nd category-

The rich spoilt brat-

Pro- welcome to the hip! Chic! Life!!…more parties…more gifts...More fancy car rides to sexy restaurants…more—what not..

Con-1) one fine morning u may wake up explaining him—‘darling...its not the moolah!...i love you for what you are…n then wonder “what is he exactly?”

3^rd category-

The hot bodied model-

Pro- do I even need to fill this space? :p

Con- on your very first date you get to hear-“Ur place or mine”?? if not anybody’s then f$%k off! NEXT PLZ!...

The rock-rocker/hip-hopper/rap-rapper-

Pro- its so “IN”

Con- after listening to a poorly recorded cd when you are just tempted to pluck out your ears n kick their butts for the bad cheeky lyrics & worse dressing sense—u just say-- woah! Amaaazing man!..dude! u r the next Billy Joel!..i swear..u r gooooooooooiiinggg a longggggggg way” n so am I K(in the opp direction though)

The fitness freak -

Pro- feels good ;)

Con- the moment you are done ordering that extra portion of double toned milkshake with ice cream…n about to gormandize a HUGE chunk of extra cheese burger..u get a sweet suggestion.. ‘Honey!..There is a nice gym opening nearby, why don’t u…..?? “U think I am fat? @#$&^*&(

The old is Gold…nope diamond man!-

Pro- inheritance….money…inheritance…money…

Con—yeah…yeaah.....aaeaaaaahhh…ahhhhhhhhhh… …YEAH????...u done? so soon??

The religious guy-

Pro- your parents love him: O

Con- “the kind of ‘shraddha’ I have for you, makes me worship the divine being that thrives in you, lets get ourselves entangled in a thread of love keeping the sun…the moon as a sakshi to our expression of love & passion…eeewwww!!....marrying you??? To wear sari bindi, kangan,chuddi for the rest of my life.....naaao way…but who the f$%k is shraddha n what about sakshi?...

The dandy dud…errr…I mean dude

Pro- get discounts at salons for double booking.

Con- “Dahling!..u r such a nut…u don’t know the difference between beige & offwhite..? n puhleez move away from the mirror, its time to touch-up my hair…”

The poetry in motion-

Pro- sigh!...sooooooooooww romantic..sigh!..

Con- ‘ the aroma in the air is singing an eulogy to our love,

Beckoning us to plunge into the sea of sins

The flutter of the butterfly, the language of the dove

Will testify the Elysian love I have for you….

I jest not…you are the reverie I wake up to..the voice I slumber to…the touch I crave for….”

OH my god!.what was that???.Can I have an interpreter..a dictionary..anythin??....

the defensive guy from defense-

pro- you receive salutes from people, you are treated like a lady :D

con(s)- expectations are so high that, sometimes people forget their real worth,

no contact with the outer world,you are pushed to stay in a dark dungeon where you have to shut yourself off completely, phew!...

pseudo sense of pride--jesus!....the irony is u are not "THE" man

you have to keep your ears n what not available to them to listen to their perpetual brags about how they won a war, how ethical, cultured their family is, how great their lives are....

a good girl being a rare sight at such places, things sometimes take a very desperate & needy turn :D which is like yuck!!!.....

Well…well..well…this is it…till date…but I will leave the section open and keep updating it

I wonder, in which category do I fall in a similar kinda list made by guys :p

The forbidden fruit!...;)

The lights went dim…the whiff of freshness in the air grew stronger……umpteen violins started playing a tuneful music in the backdrop……… I gaze at my own reflection in the mirror….stark imperfections stare back at me…I smile at it….I love it…I am falling in love with myself all over again…the benighted sky up above looks beautiful to me...the gloomy clouds bring in an air of sensuality awaiting for the divine touch…the soft drizzle kisses the soil with utmost passion….the green foliage dance in joy to reciprocate the love of rain…..the enthralling touch of nature enamors me……I wonder….I introspect….I ask myself the million dollar question……..Before I could answer, the land below my feet is swept off….is it something in me that has changed my vision of life…or is it the mysterious night outside that has cast his irresistible spells on me??.....I am stupefied seeing my own instincts….I am all game to dive into the pool of passions heightened by the downpour outside….the roaring waves ahead me look splendid reflecting the enigmatic turbid sky….I wonder…are the waves crying out a loud joyous lullaby of passion..Or are they playing the sonorous drums to alert the denizens of this sinful earth to not taste the ‘forbidden fruit’….its tempting…its alluring…..its confounding…its blurring…should I??..Should I not??..Why must I...why mustn’t I?..How does it matter anyway??????.........my stark imperfection blurrrrrrrrrssssssss…………..the thunder storm outside my dark room sends a jolt of current in me…there is no point in mulling over matters that we have little control on…I see a streak of red color in my jaded life..I appease myself by repeating…rules are meant to be breached…promises are made to be broken….liaisons are built to be crushed…forbidden fruit is planted to be uprooted, tasted n relished the venom inside to touch the sinful facet of your earthly life………
I suddenly snap out of my reverie….the rain outside has stopped…the sky has turned depressingly crimson….i anticipated for that picturesque moment to come back…I hold back for 2 secs…2 secs seemed like ages,…is it the after effects of having munched the forbidden fruit…is it the venom?...how long do I have to wait…..should I? why should I?...or why should I not?..how does it matter anyway...I am a human…a sinned angel..I err…I also indulge in beautiful mistakes to treat my senses….but now the time has come…I have to repent…I have to pay for my deeds….for diving into the pool of passions & plucking out the forbidden fruit…for letting the poison of life rolling down my guileless eyes……..
~~Amen~~~

A fading dream(2)

I grope in the dark to reach for the moony visions u left in my eyes
For that lost dream, my blinding soul, bleeds & cries…
I go back to re-live all that you have ever said to me
For they keep coming back to haunt me….
I only wish you could sense the rumbling of your own heart, & embrace the fairy-tale love that’s now fallen apart…..

I never knew the vividness of our love until you walked past me to a farther land
For I believed you would come back the next day to claim my love & hold my hand…
I see you in my dreams, I hear your voice inside me, and I feel you through the air I breathe
My heart writhes in pain with no one to swathe.
I only wish you hadn’t impregnated the beautiful illusions into my mind
& had released me from the unbreakable bond of desire that has got us entwined…

I try to be a stoic, flushing out the dark image that pulls me to you, that needs your comforting touch that yearns for a pleasant musical word of love
For I am tired of being stripped off the bygone life that was deprived of the murky side of love & the grimy phase of lost love…..
I only wish I could accept the love that loves me than chasing the love that once loved…
I only wish you could read the silence on my lips & the vacant gaze on my eyes…
I only wish you could love me back &bring back those shiny illusions or make & never leave me this vulnerable…
Or bring the time to a halt to cease the pain of the tears of blood that can never be wiped…..

the moment of truth...!

My mum says, ‘life is about lending yourself, making compromises, defying & then adjusting to the situation. The sooner you accept the irony, the better you cope in the times of crisis’ .like a rebel, I always was, I kept contradicting her every time I was asked to act in a specific fashion constricting myself into the mould of societal norms. But sadly, never could I see an utter defiant, petulant & self opinionated person like me fitting into it. Partly because, way back in school, I never had the need to make myself change to be accepted, never was I expected to be politically correct to be adored, I was a rule-breaker, I was a nuisance then, slipping outa the class, roaming around the town with my shriek 2-wheeler with friends, gormandizing junk food, having brawl fights with the guys in my class ,n bullying over the less popular people was what I did the best in school but yet I was loved by many a people. Hailing from a small town , & born to a family who are as affectionate as they come, & having grown in a way...Without any restriction whatsoever …I was like a happy butterfly spreading its colors to the world, I had no clue about the satires & grieves that life thrusts on u, I usually kept myself occupied by weaving unattainable dreams in the broad daylight. Shifting & shuffling between many bizarre career options, from defense to engineering & many in between, I tried my best to be practical by deciding to pursue fashion design course in future. All I wanted was to look hep, drive a swanky convertible & brush shoulders with the la di da stars of the society. The whole of Cuttack believed that I would make it big in this field somehow. Post 12th grade, I started filling in forms to get into the premium institutes offering fashion designing…….The first jolt of disappointment was unleashed when I saw part of my 5 years old dream taking a backseat when I was rejected by the best institutes of India-NIFT & NID in the final round of the selection procedure. Through bouts of confusion, & with the encouragement from my dad ,my chemistry teacher & my drawing teacher, I finally decided to enroll myself in pearl, Chennai, I was apprehensive about the place & the fact that I was gonna be among the first batch of pearl, Chennai..This was definitely not what I had envisioned for myself. But somehow, I managed to convince myself to survive it for the next 4years. I left behind my home, my people, my language, my love, my childhood, my life…..n started my journey of pearl with huge packed bags on the day of my 18th birthday, 29th July 2006 to an unknown land of aliens, filled with people I can less relate to, to a world which looks flashy from far…. I still am trying to figure out whether it was supposed to be my best or my worst birthday ever……………On entering the premises of pearl, I was unperturbed to meet many different people from different places. I suddenly felt introvertish when I saw the people with whom I was gonna spend the next 4years of my life. I dint feel the need to socialize, I just had one thing in mind whether a stubborn person like me would survive the hostel guided by rooooolesss n regulationssss…..the way I am…I feel claustrophobic, when I am asked to do things in a manner it should be done, I might as well have turned up doing the same if I were on my own…but I don’t want people telling me, what to do & what not to..Even my parents have never bothered to do so; I am not used to being ruled by dictators. While doing the first assignment in college, on my first day in pearl, I realized the paper was wet with my tears, those two drops taught me to be stoic, taught me to wipe them away & accept the new life…..unlike earlier times, I didn’t call up my mommy to tell her how much I miss her, even when I was dead sure that she too was welling up her eyes missing me, I suppressed my craving to reach out for a pair of strong arms of any friend of mine to hug me tight…. I rather continued with my assignment…………………As days passed, I was lucky enough to be staying with my sister, rather than in a hostel, after one year of slogging day in & day out, I got to get a clear picture of what the life of a designer is…its not all that flamboyant as I had imagined. the language barrier in Chennai, where a non chennaiite is often touted as ‘hindiaa’ or ‘northie’ & sometimes treated indifferently, mocked just for the petty fact that u don’t speak their local lingo & are adamant to call the national lingo-Hindi as your own, taught me to love my country even more…I relate to hindi much more than I do to oriya…specially when people address me as a north-Indian not just an Indian, when people here prefer to cheer for Srilankan cricket team when playing against India, & when almost whole of my class was in ignorance during the period of mayhem in Mumbai attacks, but got a week off when there were chaos in Srilanka. Everything made me feel more responsible towards my country, which I will definitely work it out someday when I am in position to do something. Thanks to Pearl, Chennai.Foundation year passed through thick & thin then started the actual career route, where the rules of slogging were defined in prominent letters. Unending assignments, meeting deadlines, groupisms, less friends, no family……..2nd year brought along the air of true fashion designing. I suddenly came across a new word ‘professionalism’...Which has hell lotta deep meaning associated with…but if you stick to it, you definitely reach the peak of success in this field…I always did what I liked, designing was a passion for me, never did I feel the need to market it & sell a part of me (my idea), I couldn’t bear the thought of selling my art for money. But I had to accept the irony.2007 post august was the darkest period of my life on personal grounds, psychologically; physically & emotionally I yearned for a support to pass through this, which obviously I didn’t get….rather the ill habits that had conjured in me over time ,took a toll over my academic life or to be precise my attendance,….I was debarred temporarily….I still remember the day when I was making merry for giving a very good submission, correctly at that very moment I was summoned by the dean who broke the news……that was the first time, I was so vulnerable in front of my parents that my condition, my mistake made them cry..N for the first time I spent my new year & Christmas shut out from my school friends in utter despair…..post this phase, everything fell back to normalcy…To be honest, how much I abhor to be in this place, city, surrounding, I cant miss to acknowledge the fact that this 3yrs of my life have posed a very crucial period of my life, if I hadn’t been bitched about, hated by my colleagues for my unpredictability & sharp mood swings…I wouldn’t have ever learnt the flaws in my character traits & never realized the importance of behaving professionally. if I hadn’t been in company with superficial, ooh la la time pass friends, I would never have understood the meaning of honesty, trust that’s involved in the making of a relationship as pure as friendship, I used to take my school friends for granted, but now they are a part of me, if I hadn’t stayed away from my parents, crying all through the night craving for their hugs n kisses, I wouldn’t have learnt to stand independently & take care of myself…moreover the distance sharpened the relationship, & made me realize how lucky I am to be born to such parents who are ready to stifle their own wishes to fulfill the tiniest dream nourishing in the eyes of their selfish daughter…if I hadn’t been betrayed by the person whom I considered my God, my future, my life, I would never have become an atheist, a self dependent, more confident…& this taught me to fall in love with my own self…n made me discover that I find solace in writing, giving vent to my emotions through words became my new passion, If I hadn’t been a victim of prejudice, I would never have realized the stark difficulties of life, now I am geared to face the big bad world, If I hadn’t been discriminated on the grounds of language & place, I wouldn’t have thought of trying to become an asset to my own country…3yrs already over..just one more year to go to graduate… I don’t know what the future awaits, but I don’t want to be among the rat race, the only ambition I have as of now is to be contented n happy…I don’t want to grow old to find out that I have missed all sweet happy things of my life running after gold…My mother was always right, life is indeed about making few compromises, making you flexible n most importantly accepting both good n the bad....you can’t always wear a pair of pink tinted glass& expect the world to walk according to your terms. Now when I see myself on the mirror, I see a new, improved, matured Ipsita…who no longer wells up her eyes for petty reasons, no longer expects unexpected things, who loves her people to the core…values relationships, people, & tries to be at least a good human being, if not an ideal one….. its like opening your eyes after a spicy dream that has few a smiles n few tears….this is life…a cuddly dream or a nightmare…you are a part of it…you have to live it with a smile, that’s the best you can o for your own goodwill.

the "In" factor

The perfect 10 body, flawless complexion, shining mane glory topped with the graceful moves that can make any guy skip a beat....yeah! Yeah!! They got all! From name, fame, physical appearance (psst-they are also fortunate enough to be wrapped in arms of guys we can only gawk at)...admit it!..every morning when we stare at our mirrors scrutinizing our flaky skin, unmanageable hair, extra bulge...we wish to wake up, the next day, as one of those beautiful models/celebs who adorn the front pages of every fashion magazine, & manage to slip into the size that we could only dream of, by crowing about things that forces our lips to mutter a ‘sigh’. Moreover, it elevates our agony when we hear their statements of maintaining that look ,confessing to be big time foodies......Right- we all want to personify the oh so “in” anorexic size zero kate moss image. kareena is the latest addition to the size 0 rage which is catching up very fast in India along with the other western countries. i, myself being a girl, feel guilty every time I put anything in my mouth, be it healthy, unhealthy whatsoever. You feel like a thief, if you treat your tongue in public. you ll be disillusioned with people from left & right, east & west staring at you with eyes showing....’jeez-have-a-look-at-your-burgeoning-hips-before-gorging-on-that-pc-of-cake’ look. Well to be honest, this is one of the reasons why I avoid eating at junk joints; i prefer packing them up for home ;).Imagine, having a burger in public, u need to open your jaws like a huge heavy dinosaur to have a portion of it. There is nothing more embarrassing than this. lol. the clothing brands are doing their very best by pilling up plus sized garments on the racks of every good retail shop, but only a handful of people manage to get in there, because they are displayed on a completely different section of the store with huge..yeah large posters of plus sized women pasted confidently on the walls of the store, that scares off many women of that size, to go in there, so, they prefer, shopping in the normal section which have got normal & plus sizes in the same section.
There was a time when curves were the most prized physical attributes that one could ever have. The voluptuous curvy bod depicted in the Indian sculptures & mythology was the true representation of feminine beauty, whereas petite was taken to be a result of malnutrition. But now, the mantra is .’xxxs size rocks’!!!...my take on this current trend is, that one should keep the near to perfect image to models, comon!! they have 100s of people around them every second to take care of their bod, skin, nutrition, garments & what not, an average person like you & me dont have that kind of time, money & energy to spend on doing those, then why do we have to expect the results so extreme as that. Trust me on this, they are painted with loads of imported make-up, concealers to screen their zits, to look on tv,mag as they do. Even they complain of acne & dark circles. we shouldn’t constrict ourselves to that glossy illusion, rather we should focus on the positive factors in us. yep!!! thats what I tell myself everytime I catch my lips salivating at the smell of a freshly made double choco chip cookie, & eyes staring blatantly at the oh-so hot model adorning the poster displayed at the showroom next to the cookie shop. Well, again, I should believe that, models should look like models, a mom should look like a mom ,a corporate female should look like one, , while a fashion designer can look like anything she wants to ;-)

yeah!! yeah!!.....woteva!

I had dreamed of becoming the Alice of Alice in wonderland fame, when I could barely pronounce the name right, but unfortunately that didn’t happen, because by the time I grew up, my priorities had changed, & now I prefer a pair of fangs dripped in blood over daisies adorning my hair.
I had dreamed of belonging to the league of the ‘oh-my my’ beauties with low cerebral matter after bagging few names in local lil miss contests, but again that wasn’t my piece of cake cause, to replace my full fat double toned butterscotch milkshake topped with double scoop ice-cream with a cluster of fancy green grasses (read salad) was totally out of question. So my delusion of romancing hot bodied guys, throughout my youth & later aging with a rich NRI…& the coveted career of air kisses vanished into thin air.
The beginning of my actual academic life imbibed in me the dream of hanging a stethoscope around my neck; little did I know that I would grow up to get just pass marks in biology, & nauseate at the sight of blood & moreover the movie ‘anatomy’ didn’t motivate me much to pursue the medical career.
My combative nature had induced many people to advice me to become a lawyer, but heylooo!!...to earn a handful of bills at the cost of becoming the centre of all demeaning, degraded jokes was too much to ask for.
I had envisioned myself voicing for the leading dance-gana type actors of bollywood. Damn! The producers of Indian idol saw more potential than me in an effeminate nasal singer (if yelling-“tadap tadap ke” counts as singing) who not only gave visual pleasure by dancing in florescent green tee with red pants but also was plucky enough to merge his amazing yelling talents with mimicry of artists who you wont recognize unless named. My bad, was no good at anything other than matching octaves…so this dream got squished...
Finally in time I realized I could articulate lies, fabricate stories, & probably can bitch my way up to paparazzi….so fashion designing seemed to be a promising career. Although I am pursuing the same, still dwelling on the fear of dying a spinster if I continue this career meant for not-so-straight guys.....
Well…well…as of now…I have whims to grow up as an authoress/columnist/novelist….& this entire piece is a living example of how close I am to my destination..Amen!! :p :D

a fading dream

Deep down my heart, amidst the sublime beauty of my glossy oneirism,
There was one name; there was one word of bliss looming around my lips
Without any second thought, I plunged into a well of prism
That then brightened the untouched parts of my soul….
Little did I know about love, uncertain I was about our future…
I was with you; & was naïve, not to realize that every piece of happiness comes with a toll

I was susceptible…I was hooked…I was in love with the love that grew with your plasticine language of eternal liaison…but how did I overleap the icy gaze behind your sugary words?

Deep down my heart, amidst the cacophony of our silences
I wished to believe, that the distance will bridge & the insecurities will dissolve to claim the love that once was illustrious
In no time, the deceptive mirror split to pieces
That hurts till date
Little did I know to emote my emotions…unsure whether to take the first step
I yearned to catch a glimpse of the pink life, but couldn’t charge at anything other than my egotistic fate

Neither of us initiated the first step to redeem the sanctity of our relationship, I appeased my vulnerable soul to get over the past delusion & move on to a new light…but How am I to entomb
Those clandestine moments of love…those whispers of commitment?

Deep down my wrecked heart, amidst the perils of lost love
I tried to close my eyes to the flying images of our first kiss… your touch, the melody of your melancholy voice …
I tried to search for the music in my life, the words in my books, the light in my eyes, the soul in my body & you in my love
I was no more as myself, the dainty bud matured to a stoical effigy
Learned to smile behind the dark cries, learned to lead a life with superficial pleasures

I will live on… refusing to fall in love again, defying the world to prove my feelings for you…
There e can be no one but you…I will wait till eternity fades....I will love you till I live to be me….

a walk with solitude

Desolated….wistful….lost in an individualistic cloud of thoughts sewn together by the nostalgic past….. As I struggle hard to keep my tears from rolling down, a beep in my cell phone diverted me, the msg sender accused me for being way too occupied with the “rocking” life I was leading, as a novice designer, & not keeping in touch with old friends….I couldn’t think of a suitable reply to satiate him, so I dint bother to punch in the reply option…By that time, the train that leads to my house was pulling in. I stumbled through the platform to catch a seat; it wasn’t very crowded, since it was a late evening on a weekend. I settled myself on a window seat…the deafening noises of my thoughts were subduing the whispers that sounded like some alien language spoken by the people around….
As I was moving, the images of my last trip to my hometown, which I had some couple of weeks back, started floating in my mind…..
The scorching summer…was cowed by the soft drizzle, welcoming the grand arrival of the monsoon that was shrouded by the striking clouds & green foliage-yep the elusive month of June...woah!!!I had been waiting for this particular day for ages; finally I found myself back into my mother’s lap...my home town after a longggggg semester of blood & toil... Nothing can beat the fun that comes packed with summer vacation. I strutted through the railway station with a bag full of random plans & ‘to do’ list to keep me happily occupied throughout my stay. As I stepped into the streets where I had grown up… I saw myself as a kid hopping around, cycling; gormandizing guilt free junk food in the places that mark my childhood….I felt a strange tingling in my heart…I wished to do all of those again with my school friends to reminisce the past…same street...familiar place...most importantly I could hear the language which I had grown up speaking, all around me. Everything was exactly the same as it was a few years back when I had to leave this place…
I got back home & frantically started phoning everyone & anyone I could remember...to tell you, I was all the more excited because, my work involves me to slog 24X7 with very less holidays, but in summer they are generous enough to grant 2months off. My happiness knew no bounds when I met my closest friends, all I could think of at that particular moment, that nothing has changed at all , only to realize the next moment that I, had been blinded by a pair of colored shades that saw what I wanted to & refused to notice the life that’s actually on a gray scale…..the subjects of talks & activities which once loomed around corny satirical jokes, our own take on crappy movies, mockery on fellow classmates & teachers, penning thesis on the disadvantages of our educational system, gorging on street food like gluttons, throwing guffaws of laughter for no reason was now replaced by praises of prospective gf’s & bfs, college-adult one liners, course studies, future plans, sophisticated cuisines, & mechanical smiles..….my so called 3AM friend’s phones were either busy or on a no answer mode round the clock, wooing sessions & extra classes, additional courses dominates a students vacation.…I felt.. 2years can be long enough for a person to change but short enough for others to get accustomed to the changes they notice in their loved ones, It all about career & future..Not even one has a single second to spare & smell the aroma of blooming flowers around. Every one yearns to be in the race of time & hardship & come out as a sole winner. Settling for something mediocre is all the more offensive than losing…may be I envision happiness from a different perspective, that’s actually a mirage, which seems real from far…& shatters when I try touching it…I am always accused of being a person who hardly emotes her emotions verbally…I couldn’t never tell either of my friends what I have in mind..rather I expect them to decipher it for me…but guess…our wavelengths had distanced too much to even receive a faint signal….
I may not be very professional in my work to turn out to be the brightest & the richest star in the fashion field…I may not be a player to have numerous hunks swooning around me charmed by my beauty….I may not have the heart of gold & transparent soul…I may not be an seraph who is oh so perfect…honestly speaking..It’s all because I don’t intend to be any of these…I chase neither luxury nor virtue...I chase my unblemished emotions, which is sometimes squished by my people who are dimmed into the pseudo pleasures offered by the world today, & the same who were once the treasurers of my life…
2months flew, attending family functions & participating in movie marathons..& of course fretting incessantly for not doing any productive work…in no time I got back to my glitzy life…I should be happy...Not many persons get to live their dreams..I am doing what I wanted….I am pretty ok at my work...I have colleagues who teach me every single moment, to be a b**** to excel in this field… I learn to live while being hated by many…I have a few great ‘men’ in my life… I have a promising career ahead, touch wood! …rocking life??...yeah…superficiality coated with syrup, topped with diplomacy, lies & prejudice in a sweet way of course….if this is how you define…yeah absolutely!..I have a rocking life…but the only thing is too much of sugar makes me nauseated….
I suddenly notice that I was about to reach my station…..I walked out of the train into a pool of unfamiliar gazes…
I don’t believe in the existence of God…I don’t believe in miracles…or destiny…but I do wish to believe that my past days will come back & beckon me to live them all over again………

Being an Indian...

15th august,
Another day under the shadows of the independent India has dawned on us....the sun shone brighter than the usual, today, to anticipate the feelings of patriotism & freedom.
Independence...freedom...doing what your heart says, without being imposed by others, being accepted & accepting the way things are....breathing in the whiff of happiness & self gratification...wait! Hold on for a sec!! Happiness?? Contentment?? Don’t these words sound unfamiliar to your ears? What do you think are we really liberated???
Every person has a different meaning that tags along this day, for some its just another national holiday meant for the politicians to take the age old vows they had been taking since last 61years, for some, its a day off to catch up with a movie or friends, while for school kids its presumed to be a fun day loaded with lots of events, shows & singing the national anthem with full on energy. I do miss being part of the hyperactive bunch drooling over the ladoos meant to be distributed after the function gets over. But unfortunately the period has passed, & it’s high time for me to have come out of the shield where Independence Day meant nothing more that howling patriotic phrases, tossing flowers, & nibbling on coveted ladoos.
I am always accused of being cynical by nature; I always crib about the not-so-bright aspects of being in India, & I sometimes even feel, I would have been better off, if I was brought up on a foreign land with a silver spoon. I hereby confess that the luxurious-high tech life, with ‘devil may care’ attitude of the people in west attracts me in great deal.
But today, Its independence day, tune into any channel, you will be greeted by our musical maestros, political cavaliers, & the golden pillars of our country speaking ,singing & uttering the magical words eulogizing the glories achieved by our country.
but since I am out from the days of roaring feverish jingoistic words, I thought of going deep into myself to answer the above question from my perception- that are we really liberated n contented being an Indian in the throttled up jet age...???
I took a stroll down the street, to find the kids running around sporting tricolor paper flags....kids....with immaculate emotions do their level best to mark this special day unaware of its deep rooted purpose of celebrating the day, by having fun, getting a day off from school, & spilling out their frisky instincts on every thing around them...n most importantly they are celebrating their freedom from homework, irk some lectures, & schools....if not for every day, but yes they seem happy & liberated today..
On moving a little further, as every body seemed to be in real hurry to reach don’t know where. The traffic comes to an abrupt end when the signal turns green. A woman rushes to a nearby car holding dozens of paper tricolor flags...faces rejection at first...but an Innova owner gets out of his car, approaches the lady to spend few coins to provoke a sweet smile on her lips...that gesture dint really improved her lifestyle...but did buy her a moment of happiness....
i wonder......
So diverse are our dreams......our mindset, our dilemmas & glories,...how unlike each one is from the other....six decades back, we were fledging republic struggling with our newly attained identity of a free & independent nation. the entire nation shook with the rampage initiated by our own people, to throw away the foreign ruler, & pledged to get their ashes buried in an independent India...one dream, one destination, a single vision with uncountable eyes .....today, the word skeptics say that the word “we” is replaced by “I”...n we are far from the ideal sketch of India conceived by our great leaders of the past...I agree to this to some extent, but not entirely....I mean, what is expected of us,??? to change the entire nation & transform it completely into some idealistic country with little flaws, by swaying a magic wand?? But what’s again “ideal” defined as??? To be an active competitor in the rat race of escalating to the apex of technological, nuclear

advancement.....somewhat like the US?? Or to make it a nation of uniform wealth with no mayhem whatsoever?? sounds like a delusion to me...I completely agree, today’s youth have somewhat gone astray, with their stereotypical lives, aping & doing things robotically without any passion...but think the other way round, we might not have reached remotely nearer to that dream which shone in the eyes of our past leaders, we may not have one destination, we may not be doing any solemn good to our country....but we have kept ourselves entrenched to the primeval land of India, we shed tears & held each other & resurrected our lives after being attacked sporadically by terror groups, we roared in ultimate bliss by creating history in the first ever twenty-20 world cup series, we see the faces of our own sons in Dhoni, Yuvraj & others..we couldnt bat an eyelid, when Abhinab Bindra kissed the gold & saluted our tricolor flag .....our heart wrenched when our own bollywood diva- shilpa shetty was a victim of racism, & cheered when she walked through it all, & created a new name for herself & her country on a global arena....we are the only country who boasts of an array of filmstars who can not only make the tough stone to break into tears..but can mesmerize every foreigner by the ethereal beauty & masala entertainment, if not the creator of microsoft, we house tata, birlas ,mallaya & ambanis who are not very far from being at the top most level ever reached by anyone. We are in a regular spree of producing geniuses from IITs & IIMs...we are the proud bunch to claim the eternal love exhibited by the erudite architects who built the Taj Mahal, to have the nightingale in the form of lata mangeshkar, to boast of ethereal beauties like meena kumaris & aishwaryas.....to have an eclectic range of tastes served on our dining tables with vigor, we are perhaps the only one to prefer our mom’s made dal-roti over pizzas & noodles, to make hullabaloo spiced with dance & music for umpteen days during festivals, weddings, engagements & what not...to cry & laugh together as a family over the dinner table....the only one to drool over blonde babes & brawny hunks...but favor to settle with salwar-kameez, sari clad ladies & specy dal-chawal consuming gentlemen....to address every person from rickshaw puller to vegetable seller as chacha, dada..etc.....to burst into moans & cries when shahrukh or Amitabh faces any unexpected catastrophe on screen, but we drink our tears of blood when encountered a similar situation in real life...we are Indians, we are sensitive, we break down very easily but the next moment we muster enough strength to turn the tables & fight back, we exhibit extreme emotions, we belong to the families of brave blood which created an uproar decades back...we have kept the diverse flavor intact....if not the best...we have the dream to be better than the rest...& have the devotion to be up there...we are, I am, proud to be born as Indian...n yes!!! I am happy, proud...& if not completely liberated...I celebrate the bundle of joys hidden behind my dependence over certain things that sum up to make be independent...to make my country independent...

aN oXyMoRoN...!!!!!!!

Sometimes, a minute seems like an hour.... as everybody around my vicinity elopes into a deep slumber, I count the number of times the pendulum of my wall clock moved to & fro, 234...35...36...37... I stop the count for a moment to switch the mushy music playing on the background to a mushier one...As I lay on my back gazing at the ceiling, I wish the white to be of midnight blue color & be placed high above, adorning itself with millions of twinkling diamonds... I break into a smile anticipating the quixotic lyrics of the song playing... one part of me desires to get lost feeling each of it, while the other struggling to make me grasp the fact that dreams are made of emaciated glass,....
...I get off the bed to catch a glimpse of me on the mirror, I see stark imperfections staring back at me...I wish to be turned into an immaculately beautiful Cinderella by the touch of a magic wand...but why do I have to value vanity over my beautiful imperfections?
I flip through a magazine to pass the muted & dawdling time.... I only wish I could be what I wished to become...wishing to land up in an arena where wishes are nurtured... but alas! I didn’t realize that there exist uncountable heads but less actual living beings....
The night’s so still that I could actually hear the rhythmic beat of my heart....I get into a deep pensive mood when my mind tries to wander through the less conquered spots of my soul..i wish I could travel time back & withdraw some of the harsh words uttered by my ruthless tongue, & get back the unsullied emotions some had for me...but how can I ever appreciate love in my life, if I dont face hate & rejection??....when one part of me yearns to break the shackles of the life, fly all over with a pair of golden wings & breathe in the aroma of solitude & freedom in a grand way...while the other wishes to revisit, the lap of my childhood, where a single moment of joy was multiplied by dancing like no one’s watching you, a drop of tear flown from the innocent eyes was wiped down by three strong pair of hands, where real freedom was screened by the dependence on people who personified selfless love, when relationships were simpler & easier to maintain.......& to relive the moments of endless & thoughtless yapping sessions, guilt free ice-cream binge, jumping over puddles in the rain, bickering over petty issues then forgetting all of it the next moment, forgetting pain by a simple hug, beautifying the Barbie doll, without giving any significance to your own appearances...
The world’s moving slow today... the clock strikes 2...& no sign of sleep on my eyes...I peered through the window, to throw a gaze into the night sky, & lend my ears to the eerie silence lurking outside my window......as one part of me presumes the darkness outside to be an indication of the arrival of solitary days that will sweep the distant dream away from my feet...while the other part appeases, while taking it to be the time before the verve gushes in to my soul in the form of sunbeams.....

***BeEp!!! bEeP!!!****

Could there be any more irritating phrase than the most used “what’s up”? I agree it can be a handy cue to initiate a conversation, but trust me, no matter, how much ever happening a person’s life is, his response would never ever change from a cold monosyllabic reply with a wry smile, I mean what does the asker expect, other than this, You cant blurt out in response to ‘sup’ that your college life is sucking all your leisure time, ur having a rough time with your time-pass friends, u dumped your partner cause you realized soon that he/she was a bloody moron & so on...all you can say is ‘sigh! nothing much, lifez on’ & put him on the same place by asking him back ‘what is up with him’ & be prepared to hear the same reply ...this way the vicious cycle continues....
talking of the new emerging virtual life, When my inbox is generally filled with irrelevant job opportunities, lame discounts & shopping offers, my orkut scrapbook gets flooded with ‘sssup’ msgs in no time. Since at times I, login more than once in a day,i find the same insomniac guys (whose residential address could have been better if changed to google-orkut,) who I would have talked to,a few hours back, will scrap me the million dollar question ‘what’s up’ all over again. During those times, i wonder, what could have possibly happened in a couple of hours for me to narrate them all , I should better revert trailing my neighboring aunt who not only finds 24 hrs a day short to speak about the world but, rather is humble enough to be sharing juicy details about the colony peepz ongoing affairs,spicy inside stories, her ‘secret’ recipes, & ofcourse the wellbeongs of tulsis,parvatis & komalikas of her theaterical life revolving around these characters,with the vegetable/fruit/junk sellers. I prefer not to dwell on it for others good...apart from this conversation initiator, theres this F-word which is the new anthem for the gen-x, these days, i hardly find anyone with a formal brit lingo, as they say, a booze session cant be complete without following it with some heavy moves amongst other drunkards, & a pizza cant be tastier without putting in a dollop of fats, it seems a sentence cant be complete without using the ‘f-word’ more than twice or thrice. There exist people who have little grammar sense, using expletives articulately without making much sense out of it. It’s the word that makes them feel trendy & give them a pride of belonging to the ‘in’ peer group. i still don’t get it how does one feel like an American from using the word which means copulation in every f#$%ing sentence, & by addressing people irrespective of gender as ‘man’, this term gets into my nerves, I am a woman for Christ’s sake! Some dork fans of rappers even go to the extent of calling men- dawg!! another most annoying thing is, the use of the word ‘sexy’ which is used not only to describe the image of poverty stricken, plagued by mal nutrition female bodies with tons of grease paint, but also to inanimate objects like glitzy cell phones, swanky cars & what not. The world’s getting smaller, so people are limiting their vocabulary it seems. anyway, no hard feelings to any connoisseur of this ‘in’ hip-hop lingo, but the last thing i would like to dub is that a crow can never be metamorphosed into a beautiful pearly white swan irrespective of the amount of talcum powder he uses..:D.errrrr....ummmm,,,.it would be better on my behalf to shut the f&$k up before, the ‘dawgs’ get offended, & spurt ‘f$%k u”s straight on my face by showing their middle fingers...